For The Love of Music

I am absolutely dying to have a conversation with my twin. This is the epitome of why I started my blog. I have so much to get off my chest, and I miss talking to him. I told him I like music, it sounded insanely lame at the time. Everyone likes music. I love music. I obsess over music at times. I probably have never had a musical conversation in my life though. I don’t know a lot of bands, and the bands I know, I know literally nothing about the actual band. I’m a music purist. I am listening to the same albums I did in high school. I have favourite bands that I haven’t even heard a single song from their other ten albums. I get attached to music. It is so emotional for me. I also love to dance and sing along like a complete dork while I’m alone. Sometimes I listen to the same song five times in a row, never getting bored.

My ultimate favourite song is Sister by She Wants Revenge. I’ve loved it since it first came out on MySpace in 2005. It is incestuously perverted and I love every second of it. It wouldn’t be incestuous if it wasn’t called sister, although sister does sometimes just mean girl. Sister in a cult sense. I always took it as brother sister. Maybe it is actually a step sister.

In October, She Wants Revenge came to Toronto and played at the Phoenix hall. It was amazing and terrible at the same time. They played on a Monday night and literally no one I knew had heard of them, so I went alone. I feel so grateful my ex watched the kiddies so I could go. Here is where I go from normal person to extreme music lover. I have so much to say about this fucking concert and I really just wanted to go on to my twin flame since he plays music. The Phoenix hall seems really sketchy. Everyone was super nice but the concert I went to before was Rob Zombie at the Budweiser stage, which was actually professional. I honestly feel like my twin’s band could fill up Phoenix better, they are local to Toronto though. I don’t know music or this hall but I felt like there was a lot of waiting around and they played pretty late. The opening act was okay I suppose, but wasn’t even the same genre. It was her first tour, clearly some sort of personal favour. If you looked past the plastic surgery she was really hot. I hope she was at least fucking the band to put us through her set.

She Wants Revenge and Korn are my two favourite bands. Korn really channels my rage and emoness. She Wants Revenge is slutty and all about relationships. Their Valleyheart album took me a month to listen to because it was too romantic for me. Usually I prefer my romance to come from Vermillion by Slipknot type songs. Cute and romantic is not usually my thing but I swear I was stocked by seagulls after I got addicted to Not Just A Girl.

The lead singer was surprisingly sexy. I had actually never even seen a photo of the band before. My favourite thing about the singer was his moves. He was dancing in this sultry way which can only be properly mimicked in real life. His moves weren’t on beat with his music, like he was secretly having a conversation with someone in the audience. My mind does tend to wander. I may have fantasized that we were secretly communicating with dance. One song he tried and gave up on twice. I actually loved it and thought it was amazing. How he was just like fuck it, next song. The whole thing was just so real. The one thing that really tugged on me was that after he spent the whole night turning me on, when they were done he legitimately looked like he was going to cry. I watched him packing up his equipment and it looked as if he was holding back tears. I wondered if it was the Monday night, little hall thing.

I also wondered if he was bisexual based on his sexy moves but who the fuck knows. In my fantasies the singer, my twin flame and I are a bisexual triad. Since I obsess over the same songs, I know what is playing two seconds in. I am all about the vibe, tone, lyrics and every dimension of every song I love. It is a very introverted act. I would love to sometimes give my twin a song to explain my mood instead of talking. I did this once with a slutty Marilyn Manson song after the Zombie Manson concert. (neither Manson or my twin showed, hopefully it made him laugh)

Emotional Entanglement

I’m in a stage post divorce where I am questioning everything. What is love? Does it matter? I loved my husband, but not as much as I should have. There were times where we felt close and I felt like I needed him in my life, however, we were very incompatible. I’m handsy and chatty, he is the sit in a rocking chair silently and alone type. We both liked video games and board games. He told me he did drugs but what he really meant was he smoked pot with friends camping one time. He was way more of a nerd than I expected. When we met I didn’t vet him so much. He was nice and we enjoyed each other’s company. Three months in I was pregnant by accident. Forced emotional entanglement I suppose.

Now that I am dating again I am fully vetting. Most could say my standards are too high. I just want to make sure I know what I’m getting before we are together a while and we get tangled. I’m so emotionally entangled with my twin flame and we have never even met in person. Too much time talking I suppose. Too many deep conversations. I want to grow old with my twin, make him one of my best friends, even if we never have sex. It might be easier for us to just be friends if I have a boyfriend, but I don’t want to settle just to be with someone. I feel so young and so old at the same time. In some ways I’ve had a full life. In others I feel so young and inexperienced. I could spend the next five years skill building and not dating, I even might be content with that. I’m not sure if I want to get attached to anyone new. I’m not even sure if I want to have sex ever again. I’m still heartbroken over everything, and I think it’s ok to be fragile and untouchable right now.

Why I’m Celibate, Until I Decide Otherwise

Talking to my friends and family it feels like there is an undertone of judgement over how I am feeling post separation. How should one grieve after a relationship? If the break up was my idea, I don’t grieve openly. I just don’t feel the need to. If the end came from the other person, well, I’m human. When I end a relationship, I have thought about it for a long time. I usually give people four hundred more chances than I need to. I bend, adapt, and change to try to make them happy. My ex husband is a good person, but he didn’t know me well. Every time I thought that there was something working, something went wrong. Our last week of our relationship we talked for hours every night. We fucked every day that week. That weekend we fought badly. I thought he was out of line and things were the same. I felt that if we were in a better place and this is how he acted, I was done.

I probably could have stayed married for the rest of my life if I chose, but would I have been happy? He wanted the forever. I wanted the forever, but I needed to be loved in the way I needed to be loved. I needed a calm home life. I needed things to be better. We were together almost 5.5 years. We simply were only good as friends. In our relationship I felt judged. He always makes me feel judged no matter how good his intentions. We simply do not work. I was sad I had a failed marriage. I was sad that my kids had to switch houses constantly. I was lonely. I still felt we were incompatible and there is nothing that will make me want to come back. The problems get in the way. Mentally I can’t move past them. A couple moments he has wooed me with his good parenting but again, the problems get in the way.

With my twin flame, getting over it was harder. Maybe my marriage had a slow death and I had a couple years to slowly wrap my head around things not working. My twin and I were talking a ton one day, the next he wasn’t replying to my texts. There were some clues to things he was saying but there wasn’t a big fight. He left, it was his choice, it hurt. It was confusing for a while, yet so obvious now. Now I feel lucky that we talked as much as we did. I am over my twin in a romantic way, but I miss our friendship. Maybe it won’t be something I think about or actively miss, but I will always have room for him to come back and be my friend.

I used to say I have a terrible memory but maybe it is just all blocked. Maybe I am secretly an avoider. Most of my relationships have been of the more casual types. They faded away. Maybe I wasn’t being taken seriously enough and I started dating someone new. I never really took men too seriously. At times I wondered if I was a lesbian but men were so easy and entertaining. I’m definitely just a bisexual but I haven’t ever dated a woman. Let’s just say, it has been casual. I don’t know if I will end up dating a woman but for the right girl I would. Men are characterized by if I feel safe or unsafe. With women I am just too inexperienced to even conceptualize how I feel. If I find one I will let you know. I would say that I want to date a woman for the experience, but I don’t want to date a woman just for the experience. I don’t like using people. I don’t like things to be just things. Maybe I have some romantic fantasy that I will meet one and she will sweep me off my feet. I actually have met two women who I would have totally dated but it was bad timing. We weren’t single and I wasn’t ready for them.

Right now, the point is mute, I am celibate. It is kind of a funny irrational story but at the end of the day, being single and not fucking after a separation is kind of healthy, right? When I first got separated my sex drive was way up. I was also talking to my twin flame and he has that affect on me. After he gave up pushing me to stay with my husband, even suggesting we go to therapy, he suggested I do the Tinder. He was the good supportive friend, who gave the good advice, now it was time for the get back on the horse advice. I actually had an alright time with the whole thing. I went on a few dates. Some guys were funny, some were smart, some were slutty, and one called his house Little Amsterdam. It was fun for a while, but the more my twin helped me date, the more attached I got to him. One guy I saw three nights in a row and it started to feel couple like. I got upset and took it out on my twin. I told him that I just wanted to date him, and it was breaking my heart that all these other guys were willing to do so much for me. A few days after, I apologized for my antics. I knew the situation. I knew we were just friends and he loved his girlfriend. I was pulling on someone who was taken. It still hurt. Me and my fucking antics, I’m my own worst enemy. After that he continued to suggest I date and get laid. He said I was his sex hero and he was living vicariously through me. It was a fun game we have always played, living vicariously through each other. The problem was that I always ended up wanting more. Always. He is just so fucking lovable. It is annoying as fuck. I told him that I’m done fucking around. I don’t like settling. I won’t fuck anyone else until I fuck him. That was in May.

Apparently, I am becoming a monk because now I am celibate. In truth, I also told him that I reserve the right to change my mind about anything, but not to worry, I won’t change my mind about him. At this point I want to keep going. I don’t think I can go fucking people until I get over him. I fear he will get single and I will be dating someone. I am pretty lovable too, and I can get a boyfriend way too fast. I have gone on some dates since then, but I am being incredibly picky. I don’t want to settle. I want someone as good as him or better. Maybe I will find a younger version of him one day. I am not a rush though. I have a million things I want to do and that I want to manifest. I am tempted to say I won’t break my pack until I am divorced officially. Set a timeline. I do love planning, but I also love freedom. Right now I’m going with feeling out the situation. I will have sex again when it feels like the time is right. I have never really been single before, not for more than a couple weeks. I’m embracing it. I’m going full hermit mode. I have my mind on my money and my hobbies. Maybe my twin will be the one or maybe we are just made to be distant friends.

That is the shitty thing about relationships. They are messy, so much emotional entanglement. You can’t control other people. You can hope, you can influence, if they allow it. Sometimes the timing is wrong. Sometimes you aren’t as compatible as you seemed during those first few months. Sometimes other people are in play. Maybe you can’t manifest a specific person, but you can manifest the qualities in a mate you want. I prefer to pick feelings mostly. I want someone I can laugh with, feel safe with, to have fun with, to talk to, to cuddle with, who I find physically attractive and I want to have sex with. Maybe I can’t manifest my twin, but I can manifest a soulmate who I am happy with. Just don’t settle. Keep meeting people until you find someone potentially compatible. Don’t go into a relationship to go into a relationship, unless that is what you want to do. Do whatever you want. Honestly a lot of people could be fun to date. Maybe I’m traumatized from getting pregnant before I knew more about my husband. For now, I want to vet my potential dates a little bit more. I’m valuing my time more these days. I’m prioritizing getting my apartment in order and plotting ways to make money. Dating is not a priority unless I already know that person is amazing. Maybe I know a couple of amazing potentials, if they are the one they will wait to fuck me until I’m ready. Maybe waiting for me to be ready is what I am really looking for. Someone I could really trust. The first time I feel I was robbed. Something better than the casual shit I did in high school.

Kerrigan & Roland, Power Couple

Two of my favourite characters are Kerrigan from Starcraft the pc game and Roland from the Dark Tower book series by Stephen King. They are both badass, strong people. They both had love and left it behind and did badass shit. Roland is a lone wolf gunslinger and Kerrigan was a pretty human soldier, kidnapped by the Zerg alien race and infected. She becomes a queen and can control swarms using her mind or instincts or something. I’m not really sure what insects do but she’s the fucking boss and she looks badass. Roland travels around trying to kill a guy and runs into a couple ladies on the way. He had a true love as a teenager but now he is a love them and leave them guy. Kerrigan has a man following her trying to save her and stop her.

Sometimes I feel like my twin flame and I are like Kerrigan and Roland. Super amazing but we haven’t met yet. I’m more of evil genius than evil though. I did have a husband who took care of me and who loved me but when we broke up he literally commented that he didn’t know me. He didn’t know my past. He didn’t know all the rage and pain inside of me. My twin knows that stuff. My twin is the only man I have openly expressed myself to and now he won’t meet me. He says it is timing but I wonder if I have shared to much. Have I become too infected? Or is it just that he is on his quest and he is focused and nothing matters to him but that right now? Or maybe Kerrigan is only supposed to be his work wife because she is too busy burning down cities anyways. They are from different worlds. Only destiny will bring them together. Only time will tell.