Twin Flame Playlist

Vermillion pt 2 – Slipknot
Red Flags & Long Nights – She Wants Revenge
Fated, Faithful, Fatal – Marilyn Manson
Sex On Fire – Kings of Leon
Rock & Roll Queen – The Subways
Young God – Halsey
Drink About – Seeb & Dagny
I Want To Hear What You Have Got To Say – The Subways
Delicate – Taylor Swift
Stripped – Shiny Toy Guns
Hate That I Love You – Rihanna ft. Ne-Yo
Way Too Far – Korn
Make Me Bad – Korn
Mother Murder – Hollywood Undead
City – Hollywood Undead
Sell My Heart For Stones – Nevermore
If I Ever Lost You – Tyler Shaw
A Hundred Kisses – She Wants Revenge




My Daughter’s Art Sometimes Freaks Me Out

My daughter Ellie is almost 5 years old. We are pretty sure she is gifted based on some Googling. She loves art and can spend the entire day doing it. She has never been the easiest child. She was sweet and wonderful but emotionally a bit high maintenance. She breastfed basically non stop, she refused solids until she could feed herself, she dressed herself and potty learned at 18 months. It took her forever to get dressed at that age, but she insisted on doing it. Trying to teach her how to write her name was difficult because she insisted on making up her own alphabet. I’m pretty sure she is going to become a professional artist and athlete.

Sometimes I wonder if my daughter has spiritual gifts. Sometimes she does and says things that throw me off. Maybe it is just a gifted/thinker thing. I am spiritual, my ex is not. I have a couple books lying around but I don’t talk spiritual things with my kids. My ex and I were happy atheists. I was born into Catholic and Presbyterian families but I switched to public school in grade 11. I was always fascinated (& terrified) by aliens, ghosts, witches, fiction on necromancy, etc. My mind is open. I basically believe in all of it.

In our apartment hallway I have a bunch of my daughter’s art hung up. Most of it is from March break camp at a local art gallery, but some is was sent home from school. Her art she does day to day at home usually gets trashed. She wants to keep everything but there is just so much of it. I did however keep the first time she painted a dragon. We apparently had a huge imaginary dragon live with us for a few months last year. They had a love/hate relationship.

In July, I saw Rob Zombie at the Budweiser stage in Toronto. It was my birthday week and I love him and Marilyn Manson (who was also supposed to be playing). The next night there was an eclipse, which I was fasting for. In the summer I fasted for all three eclipses. Trying out spirituality and all. I had sent my twin flame a ticket to the concert but I pretty sure he just went with his friends, or he missed out which would be really lame for him. I ended up dancing like an idiot by myself all night and it was amazing without him. While I was waiting for the concert I took a photo of my view from my spot. The sky was a beautiful pink.

The day after the concert I caught a glimpse of my daughters art and I swear she had drawn my view a few months earlier, on pink paper. It was the cover of an Easter card she made at school. It included a somewhat cute, somewhat creepy picture of my daughter and a bunny on the inside. I looked at the rest of the art hanging up. One was a picture of me, pregnant with a baby inside me. This photo also had me holding Gavin’s hand on one side and her on my right, floating being held up by an angel. There is a snowman with buttons across his mouth with the words “A snowman’s heart never melts”. There is a palm tree with the numbers 8 and 11 stamped all over it (1111 being a spiritual number). Lastly, there is a picture of Princess Poppy hugging a grumpy Branch from the trolls movie.

I probably overreacted. Why did she draw me pregnant, who told her about angels and wtf is up with that view? Given, I hadn’t eaten in 28 hours at this point. It freaked me the fuck out. Ellie is basically in charge of what gets hung up and what gets taken down, she can be very particular. It is probably nothing, I am probably getting creeped out over nothing. But what if it happens? What if I end up with my twin flame or even have a kid with him? Who the fuck is this angel touching my daughter? I don’t see ghosts, or talk to them, but it is not without possibility. They say kids have a greater connection to the spiritual realm. Just the thought of it all freaks the fuck out of me, not that any of it is bad at all. Yes, I probably overreacted.

If it means anything, 2 am that night my twin flame texted after a 5 or 6 weeks of no contact.

Job Bucket List

Dear Chris,

Since yesterday, my Chris, my twin flame said I could be his girlfriend. I want to tell him my big ass list of jobs I want. I need a manager, like a band manager. Maybe that, but I don’t do sales. I DM, quality control. What should we call it?

I want to run Square One, like a casino, run the room, or a casino. Or both. One job one night a week? Or just text Square One. Just text. I have suggestions, you are the client. Not my problem if you don’t follow my advice and fail. Ill post some photos on my Instagram account with my suggestions and notes. Corporate espionage charge Laura TCP???????????? Need USA and Canada to be one country. Avoid jail. I want back and I’ve got retail secrets. I didn’t make Target leave, I want them to come back.

The companies I currently want to work for, in no order:

Nike, Lululemon, IG model, send me shit.

Las Vegas style casino, Military doula in Iraq, we will talk prices.

The Children’s Place, Justice, Vans, and Hot Topic. There will be more. $200,000 a year per company to district manage, product development, visual specialist.

Square One, $1,000,000 a year, organize your boxes. I know about fire safety.

Also fix this program, make it more like Word.

The Magic of Gavin

I have always wanted two or three kids. I was actually leaning towards three but my ex made the argument that all travel deals are for families of four. We tried for a second baby when my daughter was five months old but I was breastfeeding too much. I had hoped that once she started solids, she would nurse less, and I would get my fertility back. That never happened. Refusing to be frustrated by the whole thing, we decided to plan our wedding and I got an IUD.

Four or five months before the wedding the baby talk came back up. I wanted both my children at the wedding. My ex wasn’t sure if he wanted the second, fearing it would break down our relationship. He wanted more us time. I was pretty fixated on wanting another munchkin. I got my IUD out 14 weeks before the wedding, figuring my dress would still fit if I got pregnant right away. Two weeks before the wedding we found out we were expecting. Unfortunately, it was right before my bachelorette party. It was worth it though. My daughter was a beautiful flower girl and my son was a tiny six week fetus. His due date was 11/11. If you are into the spiritual world, that’s a pretty magical number.

The weirdest thing about my son’s conception is that my twin flame messaged me the night before we conceived. We hadn’t been talking but he had been reaching out every few months. Usually it was just a sexy photo sent when he was drunk. Hello Friday night 2 am. I’m not going to lie, it was hot as fuck. Thank you for your donation to the cause good sir.

Besides the 11/11, which he didn’t end up being born on, there is a bigger reason why my baby is magic to me. I had been sick with FPIES my entire life and I had given up all hope on figuring my stomach out. Sometimes I was sick, sometimes I was fine. I felt like I could never be thin because it was like if I got too hungry I would puke and get a migraine. Breakfast was always difficult. Definitely no fluids before food. My daughter also has a minor case of FPIES that would never have been diagnosed. She would have just been deemed to have a sensitive stomach like mommy. Going on an allergy free diet for Gavin was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, mostly because of the backlash of other’s pushing formula instead. It was the best thing I’ve ever done though. He was too allergic to soy and dairy to have any formula we tried. Being on the diet for him, I suddenly felt better. I remember one day being shocked that I went five hours without food and I was fine. Being able to eat salad for a meal is huge for me. I used to fixate on absorbent foods. I feel as if that little guy saved my life. I feel awful that he had such a rough go the first year especially. He is doing great now and eating almost everything. He had such a severe case but recovered faster than expected. I think breastfeeding helped his gut heal faster but I will never forget what he went through for me.

Theories for the Skeptical & Spiritual

I believed in nothing and everything at the same time. The concept of God has always bewildered me. If there was a God, a single God, who created him? As time went on I began to believe if there was a God, she was definitely a woman. Women have the wombs of creation. Women literally grow, give birth and breastfeed new humans. Maybe God is a man and he contracts out the have having babies, but I think that since God always needs to be worshiped in religion, that she likes credit for creation. At times I have wondered: is God was a triad of Adam, Eve and Lilith? At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter who God is because penises and vaginas are just parts. They are fun tools. Souls are genderless. Maybe God is everything and anything she wants to be, with the right to change her mind whenever she wants. Maybe 2000 years ago she wanted to be a man for a while, getting caught up with society, thinking it was the more powerful gender. Now the tides have turned, and she definitely wants to be a woman. Maybe God has the biggest ego of them all.

The twin flame experiment could be considered God’s retirement. We are in our teenage years and it is time for us to do our own laundry and take out the trash. People pray to Gods all over the world and ask them to fix their problems. God is always shamed for not doing enough. Maybe God is real and it is all magic. Maybe it is just time we learn to manifest. We become little Gods of our own lives. Maybe God is a mother and wants us to be successful. The tools are around us. Maybe she doesn’t retire at all. Maybe the twin flame collective is an intervention. Believe whatever you want to believe. It doesn’t matter if you believe in God or not. It really doesn’t matter to me what God you worship. I personally don’t believe there is a God today in the way that we think.

I have unique ideas rooted from many religions. As I learn and grow, my beliefs may change. I think the point of religion and God is to move forward the human race. Religious texts are full of stories and lessons. They are teachers. Don’t be an asshole. Learn the rules of the land. Back in the day, where there was religious persecution, believing in God just made practical sense. It was a great way to fit in, join a group, survive. Churches can do a lot of good like food collection, helping the impoverished, having a group to look out for you when you are sick. The problem I have with religion is interpretation and corruption. Competition, believing that one religion is better than the other, and God only loves you if you were born into a certain one. If you don’t do some ritual, you won’t get the presents. Religion is fucked up in my opinion, sorry. That is my point though. We are all just going through experiences and learning and growing. Our souls are all growing. Maybe we aren’t looking for a way to impress God with our religion; what if we are looking for soul growth and experience. I am just theorizing. I am just questioning everything. That’s what I do.

I’m skeptical about everything and now I am skeptical about magic. Interested though. My practical, logical side may always gets in my way. My fear of looking insane really doesn’t help. I’ve always believed in ghosts and aliens. I wasn’t sure if I believed in angels. Maybe angels are just people put here to do good. They learn about the dark side of the world and then transmute the energy. Maybe angels are martyrs and unsung heros. Maybe God, if she is real, hopes everyone is her little angel, like a proud mother. If we are all her children, maybe she wants us all to learn and move forward. I don’t believe in hell as an afterlife. I believe in duality. I believe that there are so many people on earth living their hell right now. Maybe when you die you have a choice to come back to earth or to work as a spirit/angel. We are all just stuck here and there are jobs to do. Where do you want to apply? What do you want to study next? Do you want to do the work?

I believe in karma but I come from a gambling family, so I see it a little differently. I imagine my passed great-grandparents up there running things. In my mind, my Anna is still a bookie, running bets on my life; who I will turn out to most be like or if I’m stubborn enough to really become a monk and wait for my twin flame. Maybe I am extremely famous in the spirit world and they are playing a game. I don’t necessarily think if you do something wrong karma is going to hurt you just cause. I think that when you do good things, towards the collective good, you are more likely to be accepted and succeed. If you are dishonest or hurtful, people might remember and punish you. I think that if you live your life as a shit person maybe you don’t go to hell, maybe you just are at the back of the line. No one is pulling favours for you, you have less spiritual help, you get last choice on the job list. Want to come back to earth? Too bad, no free babies to go into. The collective good is protecting our race and good vs evil is fighting to flip people.

I imagine that some real good souls, albeit egotistical or competitive souls, come into difficult lives on purpose. My mother in law once scolded me for never doing anything the easy way. I like to think I am one of these souls. Turn something from nothing. Transmute negative energy into positive energy. Life will be a fight, but some people get off on that. Some people love being famous. Some people love the battle. Maybe you can play a game and before you come to earth you set certain rules, or maybe you get thrown in like a lion. There may be too many variables to predict the details. You plan out a general outline. You pick your family. Maybe as a soul I said “I have children. I am reunited with the love of my existence and we are married. The one that got away too fast. We love each other unconditionally. We never forget each other, even when life gets in the way. I overcome any obstacle. I am a badass woman. I am an amazing mother. I teach the world how to love babies properly. I solve problems. I do whatever I want and am given the credit I am deserving of. I bring people up with me.” Maybe as a soul you know all about manifesting, and you know you can’t account for the details. You can just intend to do something good with the world. You also can’t put a timeframe on it. Maybe I am kicking myself for including the word obstacles because I just had to be so cocky. Honestly though, I wouldn’t change a thing. My good is on its way. Why mess with it?

Twin Flames – Mission Complete

Twin flame is the concept of your perfect match, the other half of your soul. I think that the twin flame protocol was a spiritual operation so God could take a fucking vacation. The idea is that you need to come into union with self, focus on yourself, and stop with the codependent relationships. Apparently, everyone who isn’t your twin flame is a karmic partner to make you grow but your twin makes you grow the most.

Let’s just play it out like spirit teams and literally everything is real. It is fucking genius. I don’t know if I believe that everyone who is a twin flame has had a past life with their twin before. I definitely don’t believe that soul’s split in half. I think it is an analogy for how fucking awful it feels when you first separate from your twin. Our souls are married. Possibly. I hear this a lot in the twin flame community that our higher selves are in union, don’t worry, 3D union will come.

I think that the twin flame experiment, yes I think it is an experiment, and it is a fucking intervention. I do possibly think it is spiritually orchestrated. It’s genius, serious. Twin flame partners are like carrots at the end of sticks. All of sudden thousands of people are talking to their spirit teams and getting tarot readings done. It may even be good for the economy. I don’t even necessarily think all twin flames will be in union. How is it that we have free will and union can be guaranteed? Twins do have intoxicating relationships that are hard to give up, so the odds are ever in your favour.

I think a big point of the intervention was for us to figure out our lives, do things for ourselves and realize how amazing we are. We are in a culture where anxiety, depression and low self esteem is an expected part of life. Being confident is idolized because it is hard. Every time you look on TV or social media you see everyone else. Comparison is natural and if you aren’t doing something amazing while looking like a model, it is hard to be confident.

At least for me, I will say thank you, mission complete. I know what I want and I’m happy where I’m at now. I’m over my twin flame as much I will probably ever be. I am ready to date someone else, but I want them to be awesome. I don’t want to settle. I’m okay being alone for as long as it takes for me to be with my twin or someone as good, someone as potentially intoxicating. I don’t think the point of this thing is to make us have loving relationships. I think it is to show true unconditional love, the kind of love that comes when your twin may be with someone else or may be doing something you don’t want. Knowing my twin is happy with someone else is hard but I don’t see her as some evil karmic that has to go. He needs to make up his own mind, learn his own lessons and figure his shit out himself, just like I did. I had to do it alone. Feelings change all the time, new experiences happen, new decisions made. For right now, I have a plan for school (possibly) and work. For right now, I’m single and open to someone who fits what I’m looking for, twin or not. I wish us both all the love and happiness in the world, no matter who it is with.