Honestly, I Was Suicidal For Years

In university I tried to kill myself twice. In my life, probably a dozen times. 2009 was the last time though. I have had the thoughts since then, but I vowed not to. When I got back, I saw my family doctor. He asked if I was going to try again, I replied that it never works, so no. Now, I have my children to live for. I love them so much. No matter how hard or lonely my life is, I love my little leaches. They inspire me so much. I also have a healthy fear of the afterlife. If I die, do I come back? Am I a ghost? What am I? What if I am reborn under worst circumstances? What if I’m destined to repeat my soul lessons until I toughen up? What if my kids have kids with FPIES and they need my help and support? I want to always be here for my babies.

The first time I tried to kill myself I was ten years old. It was labour day weekend before grade 5. My best friend at the time was over for her tenth sleepover that summer. I got into my mother’s bottle of clonazepam. My friend caught me and took the other half of the bottle. We ended up being high as a kite but totally fine. We went to the hospital and drank some tar like substance and were home the next day. I can’t fully explain why I did it. It was also the night I cut myself for the first time. I don’t even know where I got the idea from. I had anxiety about school. It was possibly my first panic attack. Something came over me like I was good, I was done. School was admittedly exhausting, and I did have ignored stomach issues. Since I stopped puking, there was no reason to go home from school. I was constantly toughing it out.

Over the next eight years I tried repeatedly to kill myself. I did so in secret with only a select few knowing the depths of my depression. I mostly kept everything private. I didn’t see the point in burdening others. I didn’t think anyone could help me feel better. In high school the vomiting came back as I switched up my diet. Living with my mother meant more dinners with cheese and pasta. Moving in with her made me sicker than ever. She was also smoking in the house. My father smoked too but he installed a fancy air filtration system when my youngest brother was diagnosed with Asma. I missed my father, that didn’t help.

I’m so grateful to be in a place where I value my life. I’m so done with that kind of thinking. I want more than anything to have a full life with my family. I’m looking towards the future, although I wanted to acknowledge the past. I have so much to look forward too. I hope if you are in a dark place you find the things to help you push through. Feelings may be overwhelming but they do pass.

PTSD & Lack of Trust

Trust was a big issue growing up. I didn’t trust my parents to go to them with my problems. I don’t know if I ever fully trusted a boyfriend or husband. I know I was private with my husband. I didn’t talk much about my past. I never told him about being raped. I liked my past to stay in the past. I don’t know if it served me. I think it hurt my marriage. I was so repressed. Too many secrets. Right now, my ex husband and I are in talks about maybe getting back together. Maybe we will be together by the time I’m done writing this book, I’ll let you know. To tell you why my marriage ended, well, I should tell you how it began. It ended because of a big fight. A weekend of a fight. I also was talking to Chris again. The combo ended my marriage. In truth, I had been vaguely thinking about it for a long time. Every argument I wondered if we would last.

I trusted Chris with my secrets, but I trusted my husband to take care of me. I was scared Greg would judge me. I didn’t know how to be open with him. Chris was older, more experienced, open with me. He gave me his secrets and I gave him mine. My Greg doesn’t have secrets to give. He is my baby lamb. I have many regrets. I don’t know if I can regret the separation though. Greg and I have grown so much. People have bonded to my kids way more than they would have. They are spending more time with family and having tons of fun at my in laws house. I just don’t know. I wish it could have been different, but I think if Greg and I do get back together, we will be stronger than ever. I’ve grown and so has he.

That is the thing about twin flame. They make you grow the most. They are your mirror. I don’t know if my twin and I are meant to be together. We both love each other but we both love someone else. Even if we managed to have open marriages, I’m sure that our partners would veto each other. Our bond is too great. No matter what happens, I’m glad I had him as a special friend. He told me what we have is sacred. We have given each other great advice. We have supported each other. Maybe I needed him to learn how to be open with my husband. He helped me talk out my trauma. He validated my murderous feelings, even though I won’t ever act on them. He helped me work out my anger. I felt I needed Chris at the time. He gave me a different perspective. I’m a stronger person now. I don’t know what the future hold. I don’t know who I will end up with. I just know that life is a work in progress.

My Twin & I Are Doing A Thing

Thirteen years later my Chris and I still haven’t met. He only lives 40 minutes away. I think we are scared to meet. Ruin the magic. In the thirteen years we have never been single at the same time. He has been with his girlfriend for three years and I only left my husband a year ago. He was with that first girlfriend still when I met my husband, Greg. Right now, we are doing a thing learning magic. Trying to improve our telepathic connection. We are playing a game. He isn’t allowed to text me back. I text him questions sometimes and pendulum for the answer later. Sometimes I text something like “say wait by midnight if you want me to wait on painting this room yellow, Cinderella”. I Cinderellaed asking him if I can call myself his girlfriend. Midnight came, and things became official. I don’t remember the date but I know April 14, 2018 is when we connected again. I told him that should be our anniversary. He was being a bad boy, texted me a dirty picture at 2 am that day and we started talking like crazy. He was texting me while at a wedding with his girlfriend, at Carmen’s, where I got married. We are trouble, but it feels like magic.

The thing about Cinderella is the at midnight the magic stops. Our games are just for fun but they are not real. He’s never kissed me, we haven’t met, I’m not his real girlfriend.

Twin Flame Playlist

Vermillion pt 2 – Slipknot
Red Flags & Long Nights – She Wants Revenge
Fated, Faithful, Fatal – Marilyn Manson
Sex On Fire – Kings of Leon
Rock & Roll Queen – The Subways
Young God – Halsey
Drink About – Seeb & Dagny
I Want To Hear What You Have Got To Say – The Subways
Delicate – Taylor Swift
Stripped – Shiny Toy Guns
Hate That I Love You – Rihanna ft. Ne-Yo
Way Too Far – Korn
Make Me Bad – Korn
Mother Murder – Hollywood Undead
City – Hollywood Undead
Sell My Heart For Stones – Nevermore
If I Ever Lost You – Tyler Shaw
A Hundred Kisses – She Wants Revenge

 

 

 

My Daughter’s Art Sometimes Freaks Me Out

My daughter Ellie is almost 5 years old. We are pretty sure she is gifted based on some Googling. She loves art and can spend the entire day doing it. She has never been the easiest child. She was sweet and wonderful but emotionally a bit high maintenance. She breastfed basically non stop, she refused solids until she could feed herself, she dressed herself and potty learned at 18 months. It took her forever to get dressed at that age, but she insisted on doing it. Trying to teach her how to write her name was difficult because she insisted on making up her own alphabet. I’m pretty sure she is going to become a professional artist and athlete.

Sometimes I wonder if my daughter has spiritual gifts. Sometimes she does and says things that throw me off. Maybe it is just a gifted/thinker thing. I am spiritual, my ex is not. I have a couple books lying around but I don’t talk spiritual things with my kids. My ex and I were happy atheists. I was born into Catholic and Presbyterian families but I switched to public school in grade 11. I was always fascinated (& terrified) by aliens, ghosts, witches, fiction on necromancy, etc. My mind is open. I basically believe in all of it.

In our apartment hallway I have a bunch of my daughter’s art hung up. Most of it is from March break camp at a local art gallery, but some is was sent home from school. Her art she does day to day at home usually gets trashed. She wants to keep everything but there is just so much of it. I did however keep the first time she painted a dragon. We apparently had a huge imaginary dragon live with us for a few months last year. They had a love/hate relationship.

In July, I saw Rob Zombie at the Budweiser stage in Toronto. It was my birthday week and I love him and Marilyn Manson (who was also supposed to be playing). The next night there was an eclipse, which I was fasting for. In the summer I fasted for all three eclipses. Trying out spirituality and all. I had sent my twin flame a ticket to the concert but I pretty sure he just went with his friends, or he missed out which would be really lame for him. I ended up dancing like an idiot by myself all night and it was amazing without him. While I was waiting for the concert I took a photo of my view from my spot. The sky was a beautiful pink.

The day after the concert I caught a glimpse of my daughters art and I swear she had drawn my view a few months earlier, on pink paper. It was the cover of an Easter card she made at school. It included a somewhat cute, somewhat creepy picture of my daughter and a bunny on the inside. I looked at the rest of the art hanging up. One was a picture of me, pregnant with a baby inside me. This photo also had me holding Gavin’s hand on one side and her on my right, floating being held up by an angel. There is a snowman with buttons across his mouth with the words “A snowman’s heart never melts”. There is a palm tree with the numbers 8 and 11 stamped all over it (1111 being a spiritual number). Lastly, there is a picture of Princess Poppy hugging a grumpy Branch from the trolls movie.

I probably overreacted. Why did she draw me pregnant, who told her about angels and wtf is up with that view? Given, I hadn’t eaten in 28 hours at this point. It freaked me the fuck out. Ellie is basically in charge of what gets hung up and what gets taken down, she can be very particular. It is probably nothing, I am probably getting creeped out over nothing. But what if it happens? What if I end up with my twin flame or even have a kid with him? Who the fuck is this angel touching my daughter? I don’t see ghosts, or talk to them, but it is not without possibility. They say kids have a greater connection to the spiritual realm. Just the thought of it all freaks the fuck out of me, not that any of it is bad at all. Yes, I probably overreacted.

If it means anything, 2 am that night my twin flame texted after a 5 or 6 weeks of no contact.