Sleep Deprevation

I got 11 hours sleep last night. It was so needed. My stomach has been upset all week, reacting to dairy I believe. Even as I write this, my eyes close, reminiscing about the exhaustion I had just yesterday. Although I feel so much better, I’m still sleepy. I crave coffee.

Work yesterday was literally embarrassing because of how groggy I was. Everyone I talked to said I looked tired, or pale, or sad. I’m really hoping I look better at work tonight after all my sleep! Besides looking like shit, work is going good! I’m back to my main department which is so nice! We are shipping out all the winter and Easter stuff. I feel like I have so much job security in this role. Sure, sometimes we are slow, but when they need me, they REALLY need me. Not too many people are trained in that department. There is two of us with the job title, and maybe four more that can help a little bit.

I feel like last week I really pushed the limits of not sleeping. I stayed up cleaning and talking to friends. I often woke up at two am and couldn’t get back to sleep til five. I’d work til 11 and couldn’t fall asleep til three am. I was all over the place. Gavin mostly doesn’t nap so napping isn’t really an option for me anymore.

Even though there was a lack of sleep issue, and even though there are diet changes afoot, I was incredibly happy last week. Not like bipolar mood swing happy haha. It just felt nice to have these personal connections. In some ways, with quarantine, I feel closer to my friends than ever. It feels like we are putting in extra efforts to entertain each other. Just this morning, a new friend of mine was sending me silly videos he made. Totally made my day.

That’s pretty much how its been going for the last few weeks though. Erratic sleep patterns, the food issues are new but before this I had a cold for three weeks. Working, doing the homeschool thing, trying to get my house in order, sewing masks when I have time, and working on strengthening the relationships. Now more than ever, I’ve been realizing how valuable the people in my life are. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I took people for granted, but sometimes I get caught up in things and don’t always pay attention.

Hope you are doing well and getting your sleep in!

Scallops Anyone??

I’m done. I’m a cooked potato. I’m pretty tired. How’s your quarantine going?

I wouldn’t say I was lonely, because I’ve had lots of social interaction. I talk regularly with my friends on the phone and on FaceTime. Text them in between our chats. I am also still working. Maybe I’m overstimulated. Maybe I need a cuddle. I’m almost at the point where I take a deep breath when my phone lights up. Can I just have an uninterrupted hour to clean the kitchen?

In reality, I obviously know I could turn my phone off, or just put it in another room and I can take all the time I want and need.

Last weekend I had Friday night and all day Sunday off. Friday I had some drinks with a best friend of mine over FaceTime. I had done a little bit of cleaning beforehand but then I ended up setting up my sewing machine on the clean table. Which brings me to Sunday, in which I spent the entire day sewing masks. I made 8 masks, which is the most I could do because I didn’t have more elastics. I kept three for myself, gave one to my drinking buddy and gave four to the 72 year old I share an office with.

The masks have been a huge hit at work. I’ve gotten lots of complements on them and so far I’ve only made plain ones. I’ve had a couple people ask me to make masks for them and I have started prepping them. I think my problem is I keep taking on projects!! First I was just making cards, then I was selling makeup, then I was learning to paint, learning to draw and now sewing masks. All on top of working, cooking, blogging, making TikToks and having two kids at home.

You could say single mom life problems, artist problems, single problems, parent problems, human problems, first world problems, ambitious person problems, etc.. Basically, I’ve done it to myself. I want to do so much. I probably would get so much more done if I didn’t have so much social interaction.

I do find it kind of silly to complain about my phone blowing up when I honestly start most of the conversations. The problem is, 45 minutes in, I’m having a great time, I’m just realizing all the chores I have an projects I haven’t worked on. Even this blog post is a day late. Does that really matter? Probably not. A day is just a day. But I feel bad. I made a commitment. I’ve broken my word. I feel like I’ve broken a million promises to myself and it hurts. A lot. At the end of the day though, I’ll never ever be able to get back snuggle time with my kids, but I can do arts and crafts later in life a lot more. If I pass up communicating with my friends so much, we won’t have these amazing relationships that I have.

I guess I just needed to vent. I needed you, my blogverse. I needed another full circle, pointless chat with myself. I know if I was talking to my friends about this they would say that you can only get so much done in a day and that is okay. Maybe I just wanted you to hear it too. If you are overwhelmed, especially in this quarantine. That’s okay. I am too. Let’s take it one day at a time together. If you are bored and alone, don’t be afraid to be the one to reach out to your family and friends. I also, highly suggest a hobby. One thing I am definitely not is bored!

Will I Ever Move?

Sometimes I really wonder if I will live alone forever. I have so much fear about living with someone. Will it work out? Will it be worth giving up MY place? I’m so attached to my apartment and the fact that it is affordable. Rent has gone up hundreds of dollars since I moved in seven years ago. I know that one day my kids will move out and my place is big for one person. Maybe I will feel more comfortable moving in with someone once my kids no longer live with me. It’s less of a risk. Right now I know I can afford my apartment and support my kids no matter what. There is also the fact that if I do live with someone before my kids move out, that is a change for them. That is not necessarily a bad thing, it’s just a risk.

I don’t have to decide anything right now. It will be at least a couple years before I would have to make the decision. I do feel guilt in dating though. What if I chose to not live with someone while I’m raising my kids? Am I leading them on? Am I wasting their time? Will they understand? Will I be able to stick to my guns? Or should I get over my fears? Obviously, it depends on a million things and I will never know for sure what is the right decision until things play out. Living with anxiety is hard. Being a parent is hard. I wish I wasn’t so worried about it now. It’s honestly mostly the guilt of dating when their might be a glass ceiling. I always tell them it will take A LOT for me to consider moving. Maybe that is enough warning.

Single Motherhood

It’s possible that I am a better mother now that I’m separated. I definitely do more cleaning than I have ever in my life. Well, maybe I am not a better mother, just a better housekeeper lol. I feel on top of things. I also feel a little tired.

I’m more frustrated than ever with my son’s speech issues. Not because I am particularly worried about it, but because all of a sudden a family member is pushing me to put him back in speech. In reality, I feel a little interrogated by her all around. This was a huge problem last year and was one of the things that really pushed me to lose my temper. For a long while she was complaining that my kids’ room was messy. I feel that, it’s not my room or my toys to clean up. After Christmas though, I did cave and cleaned their room. I put away all their new toys and reorganized it. They don’t usually play in there so it has thankfully stayed clean. I made a TikTok so I got something out of it. My daughter thought it was hilarious that I cleaned up her mess.

I was asked where I had time to date. Not in a ‘oh shucks, you are busy’ way. It was the snarliest way. Well Carol, I don’t have the kids all weekend and I’m done work at 4. Jesus Christ. How dare I date after separating from my husband? There’s nothing much to say about it besides that I have been on dates. When there is something to report I’ll let you know. Still, it is nice to be getting out of the house, and have some grown up conversation.

I’m not going to say my husband was awkward, because I can’t say with any certainty that he actually had a problem with this, however, now we have playdates. There was just something about having people over when he got home from work that I wasn’t comfortable with. Maybe it was me. Now we have a standing playdate every week with my daughter’s friends. They come over and I make dinner for everyone. I am loving more of that grown up conversation.

I mentioned that my son had speech issues; well, he actually is going for a hearing test next month. I just hope we get a conclusive answer either way. I know that he can hear pretty well because he does follow directions. It’s just that he was a sick baby and ended up being so congested all the time that he needed ear tubes. He talks minimally and a little funny at times (it is very cute though!). Look, I’m not against speech therapy. It’s just that we did it for over a year and it is very frustrating. I still try to implement lots of the strategies and he does seem to be speaking a few new words a week.

Not to be paranoid, but being single is making me a little edgy. I feel judged. I feel judged and watched by my family. I feel like I HAVE to keep the apartment extra clean. I feel like certain people are trying to control the situation by deciding what gifts go to whose house and visiting the kids at both our places in the same week. It makes me really uncomfortable. I am trying very hard to not show the edginess to my children. We spend extra time cuddling, playing and reading. I’m still trying to limit the amount of TV they watch, although my daughter is a little con artist lol. We do a ton of art together. That’s all I got for now. Any single parents reading this?