Fights=Drinks

I’ve been thinking a lot about my standards, or lack there of. On Saturday, I had plans with my man friend. It didn’t work out because he drank too much watching UFC and decided he was too drunk to come. I am glad McDrunky didn’t show up that way. I didn’t really react except to ask why he would drink so much when he knew we had plans. He just texted “fights=drinks”. Well, can’t argue that, I guess. I wasn’t feeling 100%, so I was kind of relieved to be honest.

The next day I was talking to a friend of mine, and I was insisting there better be some serious grovelling. They suggested I drop him. Honestly, if you read this blog you know that a week ago I was thinking we should just be friends already, but hadn’t the nerve to tell him.

There are a few reasons why I wasn’t actually mad, except the fact that I wasted time shaving my legs. I wasn’t “sitting and waiting” for the date. Sure I cleaned the living room and vacuumed, but that needed to be done anyways. I put on makeup but ended up making five TikToks. I was about to start sewing when he cancelled the date. I decided not to do that after he messaged because I was kind of annoyed. I don’t like sewing annoyed. It’s like perfect stewing situation. Instead, I put my headphones in and started dancing around. I ended up complaining to another boy that my plans fell through. He offered to be here in 30 minutes (haha – good to know). It was already 1 am by that point though and I needed to go to bed.

So all morning, as my man friend slept, I thought of what I was going to say. I’d finally say I wanted to be friends. Right? Blah. No. We acted completely normal like nothing happened. There was no grovelling. We ignored it. We moved on. Does this mean I have no standards? Does this mean I don’t respect myself? These are questions I can’t answer now.

I do know how I feel about him has changed. I originally just wanted to be friends because I was falling in love with him. He didn’t seem like 100% the best fit for me so I was pulling back. I wanted to protect myself. Now he feels friend zoned even though we haven’t had a talk. I feel more emotionally disconnected. I feel as if I could care about this person and could be friends with this person for life but I have doubts if we would work out as a couple. I feel like I am more open to other people than I was, say, two weeks ago.

Have I completely given up on him? Obviously not because I am avoiding a feelings talk. When I tell a guy I just want to be friends, to me, it’s like accepting I may never speak to him again. I feel like I have a case of adjusted expectations. Maybe I just don’t want to give up the benefits (haha), and I am not just talking about the fact that we have the longest Snap streak I’ve ever had. I’ve lowered my expectations of the situations. I’ve lowered my standards for him.

That being said, I’ve raised my standards because of him in some ways. I’ve never talked to a guy so much since high school. He is always interested in my day and makes me feel good about myself. He saves almost all my snaps of myself, even the ones with goofy filters. He is a very positive and ambitious person. So even if nothing comes out of this relationship, and being friends doesn’t even work out, at least I have better formed ideas of what I am looking for in a person and in a relationship.

Part of me feels guilty being so frustrated at him. Maybe it is because I am a woman trained to say sorry a thousand times a day. Honestly, another part of why I’m not that mad is because the idea of him FINALLY watching his fight and having a great time is so adorable to me. I tend to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and forgive people quickly. I feel tremendous guilt when I get angry. “Sorry I got mad” is something I’ve said a thousand times. I often feel like its ‘not my place’ to be mad. What gives me the right? I feel like I should be madder about Saturday than I am. If I was just hanging out waiting, I would be madder.

One of the big things I like about this guy is that we hang out so late. We are both really busy and he basically works nights so its when he is awake and available. I don’t know many guys who would be understanding that I work til 11 pm and I still have to get home and get ready. I find him really accommodating to my schedule. We talked about when the kids go to school and hanging out during the week and he would be down for that also. Can you feel my wheels spinning? Because I can. I think I am still really up in my feelings, even though I do genuinely feel more disconnected.

Now I feel like friend zoning someone over one mistake is an overreaction. I’m osculating. I’m sorry.

Expectations VS Reality.

Last night I stayed up for three hours cutting pieces of fabric to make masks. In all fairness, I was also texting. I got the front and back for about 25 masks cut out. I still have to cut out the middle pieces, plus, do all the ironing and sewing. I have a few friends who want them and I am happy to make them. I’m a bit tired and a bit behind on housework, but it is good for me. I’m not the world’s best sewing expert. I’m still learning and I am getting some really great practice in!

I got my sewing machine when my six year old daughter Ellie was a baby. I couldn’t afford it but I usually get birthday money from my family, and then, in laws. I currently have mixed feelings about the fact that they helped buy it. It’s the only thing left in the house that I can remember them buying us. Actually, the baby stroller. The baby stroller was given to us by my in laws during our first baby shower.

Now it’s bugging me a little. It really shouldn’t but it does. There are just so many hard feelings between us. I am grateful for everything that they have done for my kids and our family. At one point that was a lot. I don’t like acknowledging that I needed them. Admitting that we didn’t have the money for a stroller or sewing machine. That is just me being a Leo and prideful though.

Why did I even want a sewing machine? I had this vision of being the “perfect housewife”. You know, baking for the family, a clean house and sewing dresses for my daughter. In the end it felt impractical. You can buy so many dresses for reasonable prices. I didn’t think sewing to be SO expensive. I didn’t expect to need SO much practice. I thought I would have had more time. I believed I would be better at it, sooner.

Even though I am now separated, and I have a little less patience than I want with my kids, I still have this vision of how I want to be. I am learning. I am growing closer everyday. As my kids get older, well, there are pros and cons to them getting older. Now, they get into everything but one day they will both be at school all day. Maybe I never made my daughter a dress, but I did make an outfit for her doll, which she cherishes. Maybe I’ll be the grandma who bakes and sews for everyone.

Do you have any hobbies?? What did you envision for yourself??

Scallops Anyone??

I’m done. I’m a cooked potato. I’m pretty tired. How’s your quarantine going?

I wouldn’t say I was lonely, because I’ve had lots of social interaction. I talk regularly with my friends on the phone and on FaceTime. Text them in between our chats. I am also still working. Maybe I’m overstimulated. Maybe I need a cuddle. I’m almost at the point where I take a deep breath when my phone lights up. Can I just have an uninterrupted hour to clean the kitchen?

In reality, I obviously know I could turn my phone off, or just put it in another room and I can take all the time I want and need.

Last weekend I had Friday night and all day Sunday off. Friday I had some drinks with a best friend of mine over FaceTime. I had done a little bit of cleaning beforehand but then I ended up setting up my sewing machine on the clean table. Which brings me to Sunday, in which I spent the entire day sewing masks. I made 8 masks, which is the most I could do because I didn’t have more elastics. I kept three for myself, gave one to my drinking buddy and gave four to the 72 year old I share an office with.

The masks have been a huge hit at work. I’ve gotten lots of complements on them and so far I’ve only made plain ones. I’ve had a couple people ask me to make masks for them and I have started prepping them. I think my problem is I keep taking on projects!! First I was just making cards, then I was selling makeup, then I was learning to paint, learning to draw and now sewing masks. All on top of working, cooking, blogging, making TikToks and having two kids at home.

You could say single mom life problems, artist problems, single problems, parent problems, human problems, first world problems, ambitious person problems, etc.. Basically, I’ve done it to myself. I want to do so much. I probably would get so much more done if I didn’t have so much social interaction.

I do find it kind of silly to complain about my phone blowing up when I honestly start most of the conversations. The problem is, 45 minutes in, I’m having a great time, I’m just realizing all the chores I have an projects I haven’t worked on. Even this blog post is a day late. Does that really matter? Probably not. A day is just a day. But I feel bad. I made a commitment. I’ve broken my word. I feel like I’ve broken a million promises to myself and it hurts. A lot. At the end of the day though, I’ll never ever be able to get back snuggle time with my kids, but I can do arts and crafts later in life a lot more. If I pass up communicating with my friends so much, we won’t have these amazing relationships that I have.

I guess I just needed to vent. I needed you, my blogverse. I needed another full circle, pointless chat with myself. I know if I was talking to my friends about this they would say that you can only get so much done in a day and that is okay. Maybe I just wanted you to hear it too. If you are overwhelmed, especially in this quarantine. That’s okay. I am too. Let’s take it one day at a time together. If you are bored and alone, don’t be afraid to be the one to reach out to your family and friends. I also, highly suggest a hobby. One thing I am definitely not is bored!

We Are Very Different

I had my ex over for dinner tonight and we took the kids for a short scooter ride. While we were out, we got talking about how much we appreciate the different things we do for the kids. I like that he takes the kids to the park, for bike and scooter rides, is very clean and somehow gets my daughter to do lots of reading. I told him that sometimes I feel like shit because it feels like he is the better parent. He said that I am the parent who lets them paint themselves with glitter, and dry up all the playdoh making statues. He likes that I let the kids be so creative and although they completely trash my house, they get to do a lot of cool, fun things that he wouldn’t be down with.

My daughter loves it at her dad’s because they have a playroom. She loves it here because sometimes I fall asleep putting them to bed and she gets tons of snuggle time. I think we are happier now that we are apart. At least now, we never ever fight in front of the kids. Things are definitely harder and more exhausting being apart, but in some ways more relaxed. I used to apologize every day because the kids would make a mess and I suck at staying on top of keeping things clean. We eat a lot more leftovers these days. Tonight I made homemade pasta sauce and you can sure bet that’s what dinner is the next two days. For lunches, today I cut up a pineapple, a brick of cheese and a turkey kielbasa, so that will be offered. If I am feeling motivated, I may make sandwiches.

I’m just glad they have both of us in their lives. Maybe it can’t be quantified who is the better parent. It is all about perspective and priorities.

What Is Your Legacy?

Part of me doesn’t care if anyone reads this blog. Part of me hopes no one in my family does, but I hope my children do when they are late teenagers. I hope they read everything I’ve written. I hope they see every photo I’ve ever posted on social media. There’s a strange thing about life these days, when we die, no one is fighting over a photo album. They can look at mom’s Instagram, isn’t that odd?

Why would I want my kids to read my blog?
– sometimes I talk about them and I want them to know how proud I am of them
– I want them to know about things on a deeper level, once they are old enough and ready
– to see what hard work and commitment can accomplish
– so they can know me better
– to start a dialogue
– I may change my perspective as my life progresses, I may learn and evolve; I want them to see that is okay. What’s important is that we are always growing as people
– maybe I’m a little narcissistic, or just proud of it

I don’t know what my kids will be when they grow up but I know they love art. I personally wish I had continued my passion with art as a hobby instead of taking a 15 year break. Art is a skill that I wish I had more of. Now I’m not saying that I will FORCE my kids to continue with art. I will say that I plan to encourage and motivate them, especially when they are teenagers. Right now it’s easy, they love art. They draw, colour and paint everyday. Even if they don’t go into art and don’t want a side hustle, creating is so fulfilling. It can give you such a sense of pride and accomplishment. It can be therapeutic.

I find art fun, but I struggle since I haven’t been doing it my whole life. I find writing more therapeutic. It isn’t about being the best writer, I’m definitely not. It’s about panging on the keys, releasing of my raw emotions, the processing of events passed that still bother me, and the reminiscing of the good memories.

Do you have a craft you are proud of? What is your legacy?

We Are All Tired

I’m at the gym, relaxing in a massage chair, waiting for my iced coffee to kick in. Admittedly, not the most strenuous of workouts so far, but I do pay for gym daycare. Having some me time is lovely in this moment.

On Fridays I have my son home all day, I do the school routine with my daughter. At dinner time I head to work and am there til 11 at night. Saturdays I’ll usually work 8 hours and do some cleaning. Sundays my kids have sports and then I go to work. Bed early on Sunday because I’ll work at 6 or 7 am on Monday. This is my weekend routine, every weekend.

During the week I mostly hang out with my kids, do art and homework. I try to keep up on the daily cleaning but I honestly hate cleaning. Of course, when there is five minutes of tidiness, it feels amazing. My son is king of trashing the joint. On Wednesdays, my grandma will come watch my son. I’ll walk my daughter to school, walk to work, work, walk to her school, then walk home. I get a lovely 15 minute break at lunch time that I cherish. I’m usually starving by the time I get home, so now all my jackets have granola bars in the pockets.

In September, I hope to work more since my son is in school. Because I work shorter shifts, I’ve been scheduled for six days a week before. My grandma is only up to watching my son two days a week right now and I do want to spend as much time with him as I can. If I wasn’t so deep in debt, I would only be working weekends. Those Monday and Wednesday shifts really add up.

Am I burnt out? Sometimes it feels that way. The grind of cleaning my house gets to me. It feels like it is always time to deep clean something. I really can’t let the house go because my grandma watches the kids at my house, which is probably a blessing. I’m hoping that once my son gets a little older, he will be less messy (he’s three right now). My daughter is six and she’s pretty clean. At the very least, he will be in school all day so he will have less time to get into things!

So, a little burnt out, but incredibly grateful. Grateful to have two AMAZING kids. Grateful to have my grandma’s help. Grateful to have a job, especially one that works around my schedule. Grateful I don’t have to pay for before/after school daycare.

Why did I even bother writing this? Partly, I’m venting. I’m tired. I’m trying to do better all the time. However, I want to give empathy to those other single parents, working parents, tired parents, parents of messy kids, those thinking of becoming single parents, those considering going back to work, those who need to take some me time. You are not alone. We are all grinding away. We are all doing the best we can.

Hey, look at that! My coffee kicked in! Time to actually work out! (Haha) I better go do that.

What Should I Skimp On?

Sometimes I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. Is everything a waste of time? I work out, then I eat like crap. I work on gaining Instagram followers, then I ignore it for a week. I pay down my debt a bit, but then I buy a new storage system. I suppose an argument can be made that if I never tried I would be in a way worse position. Today’s ramblings are brought on by me doing my taxes, go me, expecting a refund, and then buying Warcraft III. My refund was more than the game but still. I could be better with money. I bought a whole book on do you really need it and there are a couple things I’m struggling with. Random video game, well, it is a favourite and I was going to buy it eventually. I did not want to wait years until my debt was paid off so whatever.

The other day I went on a date and the topic of Lululemon came up. He said something along the lines of “of course you like it, you are a girl”. Very funny, girls love Lululemon. Girls love being comfy and looking good. The thing is, I’ve seen people talk about different brands of yoga pants that are comparable and I didn’t really take the time to fully check them out. Note to self, look into cheaper options more seriously! I suppose it’s nothing a quick google search couldn’t fix. What I really like about them is the elastic waist. Regular yoga pants just fall down on me. Damn pear shape.

What about my shoes? I buy Nikes 99% of the time. Last pair I bought was these orthopedic Adidas. Hmm, maybe shoes isn’t something I want to skimp on, especially since I walk so much. One thing I can do is wear them longer. I used to replace my running shoes every six months. My mom would always buy me shoes for my birthday and Christmas. My ex wore his shoes until they were completely destroyed. Compromise, new shoes at first hole? In my closet I currently have four pairs of running shoes, the bottoms are all worn but their are no holes. If you know about shoes, advice in comments please. Of course I want to save money but then I worry I’ll get an injury for using old shoes.

What is the point of this blog? Just working through my feelings, working towards my goals of getting in shape and paying off my debt. Trying to figure things out one day at a time. I’m still deciding how much I want to sacrifice to get out of debt quickly, obviously not that much haha. Having you guys on the journey with me means a lot to me.

 

Will I Ever Move?

Sometimes I really wonder if I will live alone forever. I have so much fear about living with someone. Will it work out? Will it be worth giving up MY place? I’m so attached to my apartment and the fact that it is affordable. Rent has gone up hundreds of dollars since I moved in seven years ago. I know that one day my kids will move out and my place is big for one person. Maybe I will feel more comfortable moving in with someone once my kids no longer live with me. It’s less of a risk. Right now I know I can afford my apartment and support my kids no matter what. There is also the fact that if I do live with someone before my kids move out, that is a change for them. That is not necessarily a bad thing, it’s just a risk.

I don’t have to decide anything right now. It will be at least a couple years before I would have to make the decision. I do feel guilt in dating though. What if I chose to not live with someone while I’m raising my kids? Am I leading them on? Am I wasting their time? Will they understand? Will I be able to stick to my guns? Or should I get over my fears? Obviously, it depends on a million things and I will never know for sure what is the right decision until things play out. Living with anxiety is hard. Being a parent is hard. I wish I wasn’t so worried about it now. It’s honestly mostly the guilt of dating when their might be a glass ceiling. I always tell them it will take A LOT for me to consider moving. Maybe that is enough warning.

Two Kids or To Three Kids

Someone asked me last night if I wanted more kids. I giggled and said maybe. The truth is I’m really good either way. My kids are so perfect. I just miss having a cute, cuddly, breastfeeding baby. Babies grow up though and I will once again long for it. I’m sure when my kids are teenagers, I’ll miss the way they are right now. Every moment seems fleeting. The truth is, I never really expected someone to look at me with my two kids and be open to possibly, one day, maybe, having a baby with me. I was caught off guard. If it is the right decision is a completely different story, but right now I’m in my emotions. The smile I got when I said I would be open to getting married again to the right person. I guess it is just what I needed in the moment. I needed someone to look at me like that. I needed to feel validated. I needed to feel like maybe there is hope for the future. Maybe I will be with someone if I choose. That being said, I’m still completely on the fence about if I want to live with someone while my kids are still living with me. Definitely, yes, after they move out. Before? It would take someone really, really special. Obviously, if I wait twenty years I’m definitely not having more kids. In financial practically, its impractical to hope for it. Did that make sense? Basically, I was made to feel really good about myself and my future. I’m not going to pretend I have a crystal ball. I’m going to try to be less cynical about my future and see what comes my way. Until then, I love my kids, I love my job and I love the life I have. It’s totally okay if nothing changes.

New Vacuum Got Me Wavering

My vacuum has been dying for a couple weeks. It seemed to happen all of a sudden. On Saturday, I ended up replacing it. The Dyson Animal has been replaced with the Animal 2. It is bigger and heavier than my dead vacuum. The thing is, recently I have been reading a financial book. In it, it has a chapter on if you really need brand name products. It mostly focuses on purses and clothes. I have been thinking about it a lot since I am a brand snob. I have a Kate Spade and two JuJuBe diaper bags. I have Coach purses. I seem to wear Lululemon and Roots pants exclusively.

The more I think about it, the more I realize how scared I am. Will I go into a store and be too fat for their clothes? I could live without the embarrassment. Will I buy something and it falls apart quickly? I would have known better than to try to cut corners. In regards to the vacuum, I did seriously look a Bissel, but fear took over. I know that Bissels are returned on the daily to the store I work at. The fear sunk in. Would I have to return it? I have a shag carpet. Will a $200 vacuum work on that? Will it last? My Dyson lasted 7.5 years. If it lasts at least two years, when I use it, will it work as well? Is this cheaper Bissel who I am? What does it say about me that I wanted to save some money? Part of me felt disloyal for almost buying the Bissel. My anxiety creeped and creeped until one day I saw that it was in stock at Walmart and I impulse bought the Dyson. Even as I was buying it, I felt slightly idiotic for spending so much. A bunch of employees asked me if it was worth the money as I was checking out. I told them yes and why I felt that way (shag carpets, 7.5 years) but in my head I was wavering. Have I been brainwashed by the Dyson branding team?

I feel the same way about a Vitamix. Right now I am using a cheap blender, and it feels cheap. My smoothies come out chunky half the time. It dies on me. This is the second one of the same brand and its finicky. Even when it is all “blended” it isn’t as blended as a high end blender would do. Having a cheap appliance is not my usual, however, I got them randomly as a gift from my grandma. One of the two hasn’t completely died so I still have time to make a decision on what I will replace it with. I’ve debated for two years on if I will get the Ninja, Breville or Vitamix. I know that if I get the Ninja or Breville I’ll be doing it to save money. Does that mean they are bad? No. They are probably both excellent. They will both definitely be better than what I am currently using. The fear creeps in. Will I be disappointed? Will it last and be worth the money? If I say right now I’ll get a cheaper one and get the Vitamix next round, will the cheaper one last for ten years and I will be waiting in frustration for it to die, like I am right now? Every day my cheap ass blender holds up, I am grateful. I am especially grateful that my kids aren’t having a complete meltdown that their smoothie isn’t coming. I am also grateful to not have another expense right now. Part of me is so excited to replace the damn thing though. Then I think, maybe if my Keurig dies. Then I will have an actual spot for a blender. I can put some birthday money towards getting a good blender and I will be able to keep it on the counter. (I have a great Breville electric kettle so I can have tea/ instant coffee. I don’t think I will preplace the Keurig, it was a housewarming gift 7.5 years ago from my mom)

My problem? I struggle with fear, anxiety and snobbiness. My bio dad always said, “Never look at the price tag, buy quality.” Being money focused these days I wonder a lot. I wonder if my expensive clothes really do last longer. I know they are cozy and look great. I know I like them, but does that mean I can’t try to like different, cheaper brands? In theory, I am baby stepping my way out of my snobbiness. Trying to accept the realities of single mom life. In reality, am I really? (lol) I am a quality over quantity gal. I would rather have seven $150 outfits I love than 20 cheap outfits. The internal struggle is ongoing and real.

So tell me… how do you buy your clothes and appliances? What do you factor?