How’d May Go?

Guysssss I’m finally getting my house in ORDER. It’s slow but it is coming along. This week I packed up 10 garbage bags full of stuff. I think there were like 3 just of kids old artwork!! (I kept a couple special pieces). The thing is, I live in a two bedroom apartment. With two kids. We all have a lot of stuff! I’m really particular on what I let myself have in my apartment, so I haven’t had to get rid of any of my stuff. I did do a movie and book purge a few months ago too. It was nice to get rid of the baby toys.

On that note, I’m 100% decided that I am not having any more kids and I am okay with it. I think I’m honestly more of a teenager & baby person. This adorable, yet messy kid phase is pulling at me. Like seriously. The talk back from my 6 year old daughter is insane. We fight, but we love each other a lot. It was just simpler when they were babies. Want a cuddle? Want a boob? Want a nap? Here’s a chew toy. So simple. So cuddly.

According to our Snap streak, I’m on day 42 talking to my man friend. Interested what day we get to lol or if we get mad at each other and ruin our streak. (haha) I’m not talking to any other guys anymore, besides my platonic friends. Snap streaks, future standard of romantic relationships? I hope so! I never really got into Snapchat before him, but it is actually really adorable and fun. I was super mad about the UFC thing (see last post) but he made it up to me. I’m happy that I moved on.

Work is going really well. Been busy. I have gotten to work in my primary department all month long. I’ve sewn some masks for friends at work. I still have 25 masks to make. I don’t know if I will actually be able to sew masks to donate because I had already accepted so many orders before they asked. I feel really behind. I haven’t really sewn much in the last two weeks because I have been cleaning and in need of some down time. Today, right after this, I’m going to get started on cutting out a bunch of fabric and putting elastics in. I am so glad I stocked up on fabric when I did because Walmart has been DRY for weeks!

Hope all is well for you guys!!

Fights=Drinks

I’ve been thinking a lot about my standards, or lack there of. On Saturday, I had plans with my man friend. It didn’t work out because he drank too much watching UFC and decided he was too drunk to come. I am glad McDrunky didn’t show up that way. I didn’t really react except to ask why he would drink so much when he knew we had plans. He just texted “fights=drinks”. Well, can’t argue that, I guess. I wasn’t feeling 100%, so I was kind of relieved to be honest.

The next day I was talking to a friend of mine, and I was insisting there better be some serious grovelling. They suggested I drop him. Honestly, if you read this blog you know that a week ago I was thinking we should just be friends already, but hadn’t the nerve to tell him.

There are a few reasons why I wasn’t actually mad, except the fact that I wasted time shaving my legs. I wasn’t “sitting and waiting” for the date. Sure I cleaned the living room and vacuumed, but that needed to be done anyways. I put on makeup but ended up making five TikToks. I was about to start sewing when he cancelled the date. I decided not to do that after he messaged because I was kind of annoyed. I don’t like sewing annoyed. It’s like perfect stewing situation. Instead, I put my headphones in and started dancing around. I ended up complaining to another boy that my plans fell through. He offered to be here in 30 minutes (haha – good to know). It was already 1 am by that point though and I needed to go to bed.

So all morning, as my man friend slept, I thought of what I was going to say. I’d finally say I wanted to be friends. Right? Blah. No. We acted completely normal like nothing happened. There was no grovelling. We ignored it. We moved on. Does this mean I have no standards? Does this mean I don’t respect myself? These are questions I can’t answer now.

I do know how I feel about him has changed. I originally just wanted to be friends because I was falling in love with him. He didn’t seem like 100% the best fit for me so I was pulling back. I wanted to protect myself. Now he feels friend zoned even though we haven’t had a talk. I feel more emotionally disconnected. I feel as if I could care about this person and could be friends with this person for life but I have doubts if we would work out as a couple. I feel like I am more open to other people than I was, say, two weeks ago.

Have I completely given up on him? Obviously not because I am avoiding a feelings talk. When I tell a guy I just want to be friends, to me, it’s like accepting I may never speak to him again. I feel like I have a case of adjusted expectations. Maybe I just don’t want to give up the benefits (haha), and I am not just talking about the fact that we have the longest Snap streak I’ve ever had. I’ve lowered my expectations of the situations. I’ve lowered my standards for him.

That being said, I’ve raised my standards because of him in some ways. I’ve never talked to a guy so much since high school. He is always interested in my day and makes me feel good about myself. He saves almost all my snaps of myself, even the ones with goofy filters. He is a very positive and ambitious person. So even if nothing comes out of this relationship, and being friends doesn’t even work out, at least I have better formed ideas of what I am looking for in a person and in a relationship.

Part of me feels guilty being so frustrated at him. Maybe it is because I am a woman trained to say sorry a thousand times a day. Honestly, another part of why I’m not that mad is because the idea of him FINALLY watching his fight and having a great time is so adorable to me. I tend to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and forgive people quickly. I feel tremendous guilt when I get angry. “Sorry I got mad” is something I’ve said a thousand times. I often feel like its ‘not my place’ to be mad. What gives me the right? I feel like I should be madder about Saturday than I am. If I was just hanging out waiting, I would be madder.

One of the big things I like about this guy is that we hang out so late. We are both really busy and he basically works nights so its when he is awake and available. I don’t know many guys who would be understanding that I work til 11 pm and I still have to get home and get ready. I find him really accommodating to my schedule. We talked about when the kids go to school and hanging out during the week and he would be down for that also. Can you feel my wheels spinning? Because I can. I think I am still really up in my feelings, even though I do genuinely feel more disconnected.

Now I feel like friend zoning someone over one mistake is an overreaction. I’m osculating. I’m sorry.

Expectations VS Reality.

Last night I stayed up for three hours cutting pieces of fabric to make masks. In all fairness, I was also texting. I got the front and back for about 25 masks cut out. I still have to cut out the middle pieces, plus, do all the ironing and sewing. I have a few friends who want them and I am happy to make them. I’m a bit tired and a bit behind on housework, but it is good for me. I’m not the world’s best sewing expert. I’m still learning and I am getting some really great practice in!

I got my sewing machine when my six year old daughter Ellie was a baby. I couldn’t afford it but I usually get birthday money from my family, and then, in laws. I currently have mixed feelings about the fact that they helped buy it. It’s the only thing left in the house that I can remember them buying us. Actually, the baby stroller. The baby stroller was given to us by my in laws during our first baby shower.

Now it’s bugging me a little. It really shouldn’t but it does. There are just so many hard feelings between us. I am grateful for everything that they have done for my kids and our family. At one point that was a lot. I don’t like acknowledging that I needed them. Admitting that we didn’t have the money for a stroller or sewing machine. That is just me being a Leo and prideful though.

Why did I even want a sewing machine? I had this vision of being the “perfect housewife”. You know, baking for the family, a clean house and sewing dresses for my daughter. In the end it felt impractical. You can buy so many dresses for reasonable prices. I didn’t think sewing to be SO expensive. I didn’t expect to need SO much practice. I thought I would have had more time. I believed I would be better at it, sooner.

Even though I am now separated, and I have a little less patience than I want with my kids, I still have this vision of how I want to be. I am learning. I am growing closer everyday. As my kids get older, well, there are pros and cons to them getting older. Now, they get into everything but one day they will both be at school all day. Maybe I never made my daughter a dress, but I did make an outfit for her doll, which she cherishes. Maybe I’ll be the grandma who bakes and sews for everyone.

Do you have any hobbies?? What did you envision for yourself??

Sleep Deprevation

I got 11 hours sleep last night. It was so needed. My stomach has been upset all week, reacting to dairy I believe. Even as I write this, my eyes close, reminiscing about the exhaustion I had just yesterday. Although I feel so much better, I’m still sleepy. I crave coffee.

Work yesterday was literally embarrassing because of how groggy I was. Everyone I talked to said I looked tired, or pale, or sad. I’m really hoping I look better at work tonight after all my sleep! Besides looking like shit, work is going good! I’m back to my main department which is so nice! We are shipping out all the winter and Easter stuff. I feel like I have so much job security in this role. Sure, sometimes we are slow, but when they need me, they REALLY need me. Not too many people are trained in that department. There is two of us with the job title, and maybe four more that can help a little bit.

I feel like last week I really pushed the limits of not sleeping. I stayed up cleaning and talking to friends. I often woke up at two am and couldn’t get back to sleep til five. I’d work til 11 and couldn’t fall asleep til three am. I was all over the place. Gavin mostly doesn’t nap so napping isn’t really an option for me anymore.

Even though there was a lack of sleep issue, and even though there are diet changes afoot, I was incredibly happy last week. Not like bipolar mood swing happy haha. It just felt nice to have these personal connections. In some ways, with quarantine, I feel closer to my friends than ever. It feels like we are putting in extra efforts to entertain each other. Just this morning, a new friend of mine was sending me silly videos he made. Totally made my day.

That’s pretty much how its been going for the last few weeks though. Erratic sleep patterns, the food issues are new but before this I had a cold for three weeks. Working, doing the homeschool thing, trying to get my house in order, sewing masks when I have time, and working on strengthening the relationships. Now more than ever, I’ve been realizing how valuable the people in my life are. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I took people for granted, but sometimes I get caught up in things and don’t always pay attention.

Hope you are doing well and getting your sleep in!

Feeling Flirty These Days

I’ve escalated to Red Bull. Actually, I do have some good news. After a slew of “I should be cleaning” posts, on Friday night, I cleaned the living room and my bedroom! Took hours because it was like a weeks worth of toys in the living room. Alas, it is, Tuesday and it has been trashed again.

About a month ago my son learned to use the potty. As he was just learning, I rolled up the carpet. I was finally able to put it back down this past weekend. So even thought TODAY I have some cleaning to do, it is nice to have the carpet down. I am cleaning today I swear it, I swear it. I’m pretty sure everyone in my life is so tired me talking about cleaning or being overwhelmed by my kid’s messes. Every time they ask what’s up, I say cleaning or avoiding cleaning.

If I am being completely honest, I’ve been doing a little bit more than not cleaning my house. I started a series on TikTok reading the funniest tinder messages I get. In the process of making this series, I did end up talking to a couple humans that are very nice and getting to know them. Dating during covid is not really an option but there have been a lot of silly Snapchat shenanigans.

Am I even ready to date after the separation in October? A question I ask myself.

The answer is, well, with covid and social distancing, what I have is perfect. I am dipping my toe in. I am actually a little flirty again for the first time in years. I am starting to trust again, a little bit. There may be someone with the potential to be special to me but its so early, there’s no way of knowing. But it gives me hope. Hope that, one day, I will be able to open up again.

I will not say, one day I will be happy, because I am happy now. In this moment, in the week, I’m full of wonder and amazement. Maybe, just maybe, it doesn’t matter how things will work out with this one. I know that eventually I will meet the one. What matters to me, is that, I surround myself with people who expand my heart and soul. That I heal from past relationships. That any relationship I enter into, or maintain, friendly or romantic, helps me grow into a better person. I never want to feel held back or repressed again.

If I am being even more honest, I did see someone for about four months starting right after the separation. It was alright. We cared about each other in a respect way. It stayed pretty casual though and I never fell in love. The more time went on, the more things naturally faded. Our breakup was mutual, like dandelion fluff gently being floated away in the wind, without resistance. Even though that ended, I treasure it, because when we were together on a date, it was very nice. It was a good stepping stone to where I am now. We respected each other’s standards and emotions. Sometimes it’s just not there, just not right, and that is okay.

Scallops Anyone??

I’m done. I’m a cooked potato. I’m pretty tired. How’s your quarantine going?

I wouldn’t say I was lonely, because I’ve had lots of social interaction. I talk regularly with my friends on the phone and on FaceTime. Text them in between our chats. I am also still working. Maybe I’m overstimulated. Maybe I need a cuddle. I’m almost at the point where I take a deep breath when my phone lights up. Can I just have an uninterrupted hour to clean the kitchen?

In reality, I obviously know I could turn my phone off, or just put it in another room and I can take all the time I want and need.

Last weekend I had Friday night and all day Sunday off. Friday I had some drinks with a best friend of mine over FaceTime. I had done a little bit of cleaning beforehand but then I ended up setting up my sewing machine on the clean table. Which brings me to Sunday, in which I spent the entire day sewing masks. I made 8 masks, which is the most I could do because I didn’t have more elastics. I kept three for myself, gave one to my drinking buddy and gave four to the 72 year old I share an office with.

The masks have been a huge hit at work. I’ve gotten lots of complements on them and so far I’ve only made plain ones. I’ve had a couple people ask me to make masks for them and I have started prepping them. I think my problem is I keep taking on projects!! First I was just making cards, then I was selling makeup, then I was learning to paint, learning to draw and now sewing masks. All on top of working, cooking, blogging, making TikToks and having two kids at home.

You could say single mom life problems, artist problems, single problems, parent problems, human problems, first world problems, ambitious person problems, etc.. Basically, I’ve done it to myself. I want to do so much. I probably would get so much more done if I didn’t have so much social interaction.

I do find it kind of silly to complain about my phone blowing up when I honestly start most of the conversations. The problem is, 45 minutes in, I’m having a great time, I’m just realizing all the chores I have an projects I haven’t worked on. Even this blog post is a day late. Does that really matter? Probably not. A day is just a day. But I feel bad. I made a commitment. I’ve broken my word. I feel like I’ve broken a million promises to myself and it hurts. A lot. At the end of the day though, I’ll never ever be able to get back snuggle time with my kids, but I can do arts and crafts later in life a lot more. If I pass up communicating with my friends so much, we won’t have these amazing relationships that I have.

I guess I just needed to vent. I needed you, my blogverse. I needed another full circle, pointless chat with myself. I know if I was talking to my friends about this they would say that you can only get so much done in a day and that is okay. Maybe I just wanted you to hear it too. If you are overwhelmed, especially in this quarantine. That’s okay. I am too. Let’s take it one day at a time together. If you are bored and alone, don’t be afraid to be the one to reach out to your family and friends. I also, highly suggest a hobby. One thing I am definitely not is bored!

Current Mood: Gratitude.

So I’m behind on posting. This week has been kind of exhausting. I’ve been working longer hours some days because of Coronavirus. I’m grateful to be able to work though.

I’m also grateful for my ex right now because without him I wouldn’t be able to work. My grandmother was watching the kids twice a week, so I could pick up extra shifts, but we are worried about getting her sick. My ex is now watching the kids two nights a week ontop of having them all weekend. I’m actually home with them more (of their awake) time now that I’m starting work so late.

The deal was that I will cook him and the kids dinner the nights he babysits. So far I’ve made homemade meaty pasta sauce with rotini, roasted chicken and vegetables and one night we had chicken Caesar salad. Next week I’m making homemade chicken noodle soup. I’m getting lots of recipes from the TikTok.

I’m trying to get the kids outside a bit more, just for walks around the block, no socializing of course. They are taking the quarantine really well. I’m really proud of them! My son learned to use the potty. We are still using diapers at night and first thing in the morning. I stopped using diapers during his nap though.

Alrighty, that’s the update. I guess I better start thinking of what to write Saturday so I’m not late again haha. Best wishes everyone, stay safe.

We Are Very Different

I had my ex over for dinner tonight and we took the kids for a short scooter ride. While we were out, we got talking about how much we appreciate the different things we do for the kids. I like that he takes the kids to the park, for bike and scooter rides, is very clean and somehow gets my daughter to do lots of reading. I told him that sometimes I feel like shit because it feels like he is the better parent. He said that I am the parent who lets them paint themselves with glitter, and dry up all the playdoh making statues. He likes that I let the kids be so creative and although they completely trash my house, they get to do a lot of cool, fun things that he wouldn’t be down with.

My daughter loves it at her dad’s because they have a playroom. She loves it here because sometimes I fall asleep putting them to bed and she gets tons of snuggle time. I think we are happier now that we are apart. At least now, we never ever fight in front of the kids. Things are definitely harder and more exhausting being apart, but in some ways more relaxed. I used to apologize every day because the kids would make a mess and I suck at staying on top of keeping things clean. We eat a lot more leftovers these days. Tonight I made homemade pasta sauce and you can sure bet that’s what dinner is the next two days. For lunches, today I cut up a pineapple, a brick of cheese and a turkey kielbasa, so that will be offered. If I am feeling motivated, I may make sandwiches.

I’m just glad they have both of us in their lives. Maybe it can’t be quantified who is the better parent. It is all about perspective and priorities.

Goalsetting in 2020

When I started 2020 my goal for my blog was, well, to do it. At some point I finessed that goal, and set out to post at least once a week. Sometimes, I want to post everyday but that is not sustainable. I also don’t want to bombard you with manic ramblings. I’ve decided a happy medium is posting twice a week for the rest of the year. I don’t know if I will do that forever but I do think I can do it for this year. Wednesdays and Saturdays.

I don’t want to make goals for follower count or statistics because I can’t control that. I feel that with time, and practice, my writing will get better. 84 more posts of practice should help with that, along with some reading on writing/blogging. After the year is done and I see how many followers I have, maybe in 2021 I will make a follower goal.

At the start of the year, another goal was to lose 36 lbs, putting me under 200 lbs. Right now I’m at 233. I was doing really well but then I got some sort of tendinitis in my foot and stopped exercising for the most part. I still have to walk to and from work, which can be very painful. Around the same time I started eating dairy and pork again, because they no longer upset my stomach. Yay, feeling healthier that way. I may have overdid things though in the eating department lol. I’m okay with the choices I’ve made. I’ve been enjoying life and eating lately. That being said, am I watching what I’m eating again? Yes, I’m making more an effort to eat healthy. Still a little depressed that I’m not working out, but I know it’s temporary. My goal is still possible, however, as long as I’m down in weight, ideally about 220 or under, at the end of the year, I’ll be happy.

I have two credit cards. A goal for 2020 is to pay the higher interest card off completely. I’m on track for that. This past week I bought some shoes (see my last post Splurging on Myself), and I just ordered an art drying rack, which ended up costing me $800 after shipping and taxes. Why the F would I spend $800 on a drying rack? Right now, we are using a big box as a drying surface. Since it is only one layer, it is not the most space efficient. My kids and I are all artists. We fight over drying space all the time. We sometimes lay things precariously on the floor, which is a super dangerous decision with a toddler. This wood drying rack is the only one that I could find that suited our needs, and it’s the same kind that we fell in love with at the Early Years Centre. Even if my kids don’t end up being artists, I am an artist/crafter. Sometimes I use oil paint and it takes weeks to dry. Ok, I’ll stop justifying, but seriously, I think I’ll use it for the rest of my life. I didn’t factor in my tax refund in my debt repayment plans, so all is good with the splurging lately! If I wasn’t going to make this goal I wouldn’t have bought the drying rack this year. It’s really important to me that I get rid the balance of this card, and keep it off forever.

Speaking of art drying racks, I never made any art goals at the beginning of the year. I’m not going to let that stop me from doing it now. I think I had an idea of a goal, but it doesn’t really mean much unless it is specific and measurable. In February I made a goal of doing a TikTok everyday, mostly arty. It was to inspire me to create. Lately, I’ve been working so much on my blog (writing, plus adding the home and photo pages), that I haven’t focused on TikTok. In February, I did gain 100 followers for my efforts, which I’m pretty proud of.

My new art goal for 2020: to create a new card every week. Sometimes I make duplicates of the same card, but I want to make sometime new every week. I have some new stamps and dies I need to try out! Sometimes, I get really into making backgrounds and spend all week just doing that. It can lead to me having piles of backgrounds with no idea how to use them! Finishing cards regularly will keep my stocks fresh for my bestie Ami, and keep my Etsy shop up in people’s notifications.

So, I’m a mom. Hey, how are you other parents? 2020 goal only applies to the summer here. Take the kids to the GOOD park every week all summer. I work a lot, so not going to commit to more than once a week. We love it there. It is about a 30 minute walk from our house, little longer if we stop at Timmies on the way, but worth it.

My last goal for this year was to keep my house clean! It’s going okay. I hate cleaning when I could be crafting or blogging. Right now I am writing this procrastinating a sink full of dishes! I will get on it though, and I feel like I am doing a lot better with it. Goal measured by the amount of my grandma’s comments and complaints lol. I’m joking, or am I?

So, I just went on and on. It’s your turn! What are your goals for 2020? Have they changed since the start of the year?

What Is Your Legacy?

Part of me doesn’t care if anyone reads this blog. Part of me hopes no one in my family does, but I hope my children do when they are late teenagers. I hope they read everything I’ve written. I hope they see every photo I’ve ever posted on social media. There’s a strange thing about life these days, when we die, no one is fighting over a photo album. They can look at mom’s Instagram, isn’t that odd?

Why would I want my kids to read my blog?
– sometimes I talk about them and I want them to know how proud I am of them
– I want them to know about things on a deeper level, once they are old enough and ready
– to see what hard work and commitment can accomplish
– so they can know me better
– to start a dialogue
– I may change my perspective as my life progresses, I may learn and evolve; I want them to see that is okay. What’s important is that we are always growing as people
– maybe I’m a little narcissistic, or just proud of it

I don’t know what my kids will be when they grow up but I know they love art. I personally wish I had continued my passion with art as a hobby instead of taking a 15 year break. Art is a skill that I wish I had more of. Now I’m not saying that I will FORCE my kids to continue with art. I will say that I plan to encourage and motivate them, especially when they are teenagers. Right now it’s easy, they love art. They draw, colour and paint everyday. Even if they don’t go into art and don’t want a side hustle, creating is so fulfilling. It can give you such a sense of pride and accomplishment. It can be therapeutic.

I find art fun, but I struggle since I haven’t been doing it my whole life. I find writing more therapeutic. It isn’t about being the best writer, I’m definitely not. It’s about panging on the keys, releasing of my raw emotions, the processing of events passed that still bother me, and the reminiscing of the good memories.

Do you have a craft you are proud of? What is your legacy?