Frozen & In The Feels

I feel like I gave my kids everything when they were babies. They breastfed endlessly. I made some time for crafts but not much when they were younger. Now, I feel a little unwilling to compromise. Me time is more important to me. Craft time is a must.

When I was married, my husband helped me clean the house, he often brought home food and he sometimes cooked for me. He probably did most of the cleaning but I did most of the bedtimes. At the end, the kids and I would be at the craft table for over an hour while he was on the couch playing games on his phone. He needed his me time too.

Sometimes I’m very sad that things didn’t work out with my husband. I wonder though, if I’m sad over him the human, or the lifestyle. I had financial security. I had someone to vent to and who helped me clean up when the day was bad. He sometimes sat with me and rubbed my head. Things with another human though, are not all peaches.

Today, I gave me kids half of their big gift early. We were all excited and I wanted to. I thought it would be fun and I know some Christmases can be overwhelming for my kids having to open up gifts from multiple people. I knew they were in a good mood so it would go over well. My ex doesn’t really understand my behavior. I’m convinced he thinks I’m irresponsible. He definitely thinks this is the messy house.

To me, this is the house with one parent and two kids. We are all really creative and we all do projects constantly. I cook for my kids everyday and they always have clean clothes to wear. Their clothes may not be folded when they go get them…. but, they are clean.

I’m trying. I could try a little harder, and I have been. I donated a lot of their old toys and cleaned their room a few weeks ago. It’s spotless. I still need to finish painting the living room but I took a break to declutter and clean a bit. I have vacation in January so I’m going to try for then. For now, I just want to work on deep cleaning. On Friday, I cleaned the bathroom. Today I washed the laundry and all my kids’ bedding, including some new snowman sheets.

I don’t really feel depressed. I feel like I need extra time to decompress. I have too many projects on the go and to do lists too long and money situation too tight. It is making me freeze. It is putting me at a standstill being a bit unproductive. That is why simple things like cleaning the bathroom or washing to sheets is a big deal for me. I’m making slow progress, but it is still progress.

Redecorating

I feel like my apartment had a torrential rainfall inside of it. It is a disaster. I suppose, the lucky thing is, the kids are at their dad’s for a few days. I miss them already, but as I prepare to paint the living room, it is nice to have some alone time to do it.

I am moving things around as I fix the walls, filling holes from what seams like a past life. We have rearranged the living room a few times. We had a house phone on the wall at some point, just for the buzzer. Now it is linked to my cell phone. My ex-husband’s diploma hung prominently, now it is gone. Family picture collage frames used to hang. It was too painful to look at them after we broke up. Now I have completely different idea for photos. New area, new frames.

I feel like I have been erasing my ex since the day he moved out. I packed up all his stuff for him. I gave him the bed and bought a completely different one. I kept my TV but he has his TV stand. I kept the wine cabinet. That, he was so excited when we bought it. I now do my resin art in it and it has a shelf full of girly, floral, bone china. Something he didn’t want, in patterns he would never allow.

I am constantly terrified about getting evicted or getting fired. I haven’t done anything to deserve those things to happen, however, I still live in fear. Painting is just triggering me more. I love this apartment. I am getting more attached to it the more I make it “mine”. I could survive the evicted part, but it would suck. Prices for apartments have gone up so much! It would be a few hundred more a month plus at least hydro. My job, my now full time job, works around my availability so well. I don’t have to get babysitters at all when the kids are in school. Not even an afterschool program.

It is crazy to me that I have lived in this apartment for over 7 years and had my job for almost 2. I am waiting for the ball to drop. I felt more secure when I was married; when I had a partner with their own income taking care of things. The biggest thing that I think sparked this ridiculous anxiety is the fact that they wanted to evict us! They said my daughter was too loud. They accused us of letting her run around at 3 am, when, in fact, we were all asleep. This was a few years ago but I can’t shake it. My children have their loud moments but now that they are in school all day, I do feel a bit better.

I must go now. I must do some dishes, sew some masks, and get some sleep! Night my lovely readers.

What Is Your Legacy?

Part of me doesn’t care if anyone reads this blog. Part of me hopes no one in my family does, but I hope my children do when they are late teenagers. I hope they read everything I’ve written. I hope they see every photo I’ve ever posted on social media. There’s a strange thing about life these days, when we die, no one is fighting over a photo album. They can look at mom’s Instagram, isn’t that odd?

Why would I want my kids to read my blog?
– sometimes I talk about them and I want them to know how proud I am of them
– I want them to know about things on a deeper level, once they are old enough and ready
– to see what hard work and commitment can accomplish
– so they can know me better
– to start a dialogue
– I may change my perspective as my life progresses, I may learn and evolve; I want them to see that is okay. What’s important is that we are always growing as people
– maybe I’m a little narcissistic, or just proud of it

I don’t know what my kids will be when they grow up but I know they love art. I personally wish I had continued my passion with art as a hobby instead of taking a 15 year break. Art is a skill that I wish I had more of. Now I’m not saying that I will FORCE my kids to continue with art. I will say that I plan to encourage and motivate them, especially when they are teenagers. Right now it’s easy, they love art. They draw, colour and paint everyday. Even if they don’t go into art and don’t want a side hustle, creating is so fulfilling. It can give you such a sense of pride and accomplishment. It can be therapeutic.

I find art fun, but I struggle since I haven’t been doing it my whole life. I find writing more therapeutic. It isn’t about being the best writer, I’m definitely not. It’s about panging on the keys, releasing of my raw emotions, the processing of events passed that still bother me, and the reminiscing of the good memories.

Do you have a craft you are proud of? What is your legacy?