How’d May Go?

Guysssss I’m finally getting my house in ORDER. It’s slow but it is coming along. This week I packed up 10 garbage bags full of stuff. I think there were like 3 just of kids old artwork!! (I kept a couple special pieces). The thing is, I live in a two bedroom apartment. With two kids. We all have a lot of stuff! I’m really particular on what I let myself have in my apartment, so I haven’t had to get rid of any of my stuff. I did do a movie and book purge a few months ago too. It was nice to get rid of the baby toys.

On that note, I’m 100% decided that I am not having any more kids and I am okay with it. I think I’m honestly more of a teenager & baby person. This adorable, yet messy kid phase is pulling at me. Like seriously. The talk back from my 6 year old daughter is insane. We fight, but we love each other a lot. It was just simpler when they were babies. Want a cuddle? Want a boob? Want a nap? Here’s a chew toy. So simple. So cuddly.

According to our Snap streak, I’m on day 42 talking to my man friend. Interested what day we get to lol or if we get mad at each other and ruin our streak. (haha) I’m not talking to any other guys anymore, besides my platonic friends. Snap streaks, future standard of romantic relationships? I hope so! I never really got into Snapchat before him, but it is actually really adorable and fun. I was super mad about the UFC thing (see last post) but he made it up to me. I’m happy that I moved on.

Work is going really well. Been busy. I have gotten to work in my primary department all month long. I’ve sewn some masks for friends at work. I still have 25 masks to make. I don’t know if I will actually be able to sew masks to donate because I had already accepted so many orders before they asked. I feel really behind. I haven’t really sewn much in the last two weeks because I have been cleaning and in need of some down time. Today, right after this, I’m going to get started on cutting out a bunch of fabric and putting elastics in. I am so glad I stocked up on fabric when I did because Walmart has been DRY for weeks!

Hope all is well for you guys!!

Fights=Drinks

I’ve been thinking a lot about my standards, or lack there of. On Saturday, I had plans with my man friend. It didn’t work out because he drank too much watching UFC and decided he was too drunk to come. I am glad McDrunky didn’t show up that way. I didn’t really react except to ask why he would drink so much when he knew we had plans. He just texted “fights=drinks”. Well, can’t argue that, I guess. I wasn’t feeling 100%, so I was kind of relieved to be honest.

The next day I was talking to a friend of mine, and I was insisting there better be some serious grovelling. They suggested I drop him. Honestly, if you read this blog you know that a week ago I was thinking we should just be friends already, but hadn’t the nerve to tell him.

There are a few reasons why I wasn’t actually mad, except the fact that I wasted time shaving my legs. I wasn’t “sitting and waiting” for the date. Sure I cleaned the living room and vacuumed, but that needed to be done anyways. I put on makeup but ended up making five TikToks. I was about to start sewing when he cancelled the date. I decided not to do that after he messaged because I was kind of annoyed. I don’t like sewing annoyed. It’s like perfect stewing situation. Instead, I put my headphones in and started dancing around. I ended up complaining to another boy that my plans fell through. He offered to be here in 30 minutes (haha – good to know). It was already 1 am by that point though and I needed to go to bed.

So all morning, as my man friend slept, I thought of what I was going to say. I’d finally say I wanted to be friends. Right? Blah. No. We acted completely normal like nothing happened. There was no grovelling. We ignored it. We moved on. Does this mean I have no standards? Does this mean I don’t respect myself? These are questions I can’t answer now.

I do know how I feel about him has changed. I originally just wanted to be friends because I was falling in love with him. He didn’t seem like 100% the best fit for me so I was pulling back. I wanted to protect myself. Now he feels friend zoned even though we haven’t had a talk. I feel more emotionally disconnected. I feel as if I could care about this person and could be friends with this person for life but I have doubts if we would work out as a couple. I feel like I am more open to other people than I was, say, two weeks ago.

Have I completely given up on him? Obviously not because I am avoiding a feelings talk. When I tell a guy I just want to be friends, to me, it’s like accepting I may never speak to him again. I feel like I have a case of adjusted expectations. Maybe I just don’t want to give up the benefits (haha), and I am not just talking about the fact that we have the longest Snap streak I’ve ever had. I’ve lowered my expectations of the situations. I’ve lowered my standards for him.

That being said, I’ve raised my standards because of him in some ways. I’ve never talked to a guy so much since high school. He is always interested in my day and makes me feel good about myself. He saves almost all my snaps of myself, even the ones with goofy filters. He is a very positive and ambitious person. So even if nothing comes out of this relationship, and being friends doesn’t even work out, at least I have better formed ideas of what I am looking for in a person and in a relationship.

Part of me feels guilty being so frustrated at him. Maybe it is because I am a woman trained to say sorry a thousand times a day. Honestly, another part of why I’m not that mad is because the idea of him FINALLY watching his fight and having a great time is so adorable to me. I tend to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and forgive people quickly. I feel tremendous guilt when I get angry. “Sorry I got mad” is something I’ve said a thousand times. I often feel like its ‘not my place’ to be mad. What gives me the right? I feel like I should be madder about Saturday than I am. If I was just hanging out waiting, I would be madder.

One of the big things I like about this guy is that we hang out so late. We are both really busy and he basically works nights so its when he is awake and available. I don’t know many guys who would be understanding that I work til 11 pm and I still have to get home and get ready. I find him really accommodating to my schedule. We talked about when the kids go to school and hanging out during the week and he would be down for that also. Can you feel my wheels spinning? Because I can. I think I am still really up in my feelings, even though I do genuinely feel more disconnected.

Now I feel like friend zoning someone over one mistake is an overreaction. I’m osculating. I’m sorry.

My Special Friend

I’ve been thinking about my sign a lot lately. Leo cusp Cancer with a Virgo moon. Personally, I find it accurate.

I believe in astrology if you look at the whole chart. Do I believe it can predict your future, or pick your soulmate? No, I do not. However, I do like to look into someone’s birth chart when we are courting each other. Maybe it’s just a need to control, thirst for more information. Maybe it’s my Virgo moon.

More specifically, I’ve been thinking of that lion pridefulness, that big ego of mine. It came about after meeting someone much more private than myself. I’m a very open person. I’m also very showy as it turns out. When I eventually get a boyfriend/girlfriend, I want to be able to tell my friends all about them and show off pictures. I don’t think I could ever be with someone who asked me to keep things secret. I’d feel awkward having to keep so much in.

With this person, I find myself back peddling and lying sort of recently. At first I told my friends all about them. This week I followed up with I think I just wanna be friends with them. Which is true and not true. It’s true but it’s misleading in the fact that I will probably NOT tell this person we should just be friends. It’s true because it is how I sort of feel. Things feel friendly with them and I am sort of resentful that I am in this position. I had felt guilty about talking so much about them before I really knew how private they were and what the situation was. Is that my fault? No. Is it healthy? Probably not, so we should just be friends. I feel frustrated, confused, my guard is up. The problem? The are probably the most sweet, kind, talented and ambitious people I have ever met. The more I get attached, the more I want to distance myself because it is not entirely right.

Maybe I was only half misleading my friends. My heart legit feels like friend zone is the safe zone right now. I just wish things would naturally run their course, either way it goes.

All that being said, I could check me ego a bit. Still not happy about being in that position, however, do I need to be a total Leo and show off everything all the time. I’m just like a proud mama, I feel like I can’t help it! Obviously, I’m trying to respect his boundaries and privacy but it is really hard. Here is me right now totally not talking about him (haha). It literally just hurts me ego a lot having someone not want to show ME off as much as I want to show them off. That’s probably the bigger issue. Feeling like a total Cancer today, very emotional. My Virgo moon is like what hard work do I need to do to work this out??

Because he bruised my ego, and I have mostly friend zoned him. If he does every want to move things forward and act more “boyfriendy”, some grovelling may need to be involved. Definitely the official asking me to be his girlfriend because I will definitely be bringing up the fact that he told his people I’m his friend when we are more right now.

The more I vent about this, the more I want to pull back. My instinct is, this will not end well for me. I need to hold out for someone like him that doesn’t wanna keep our relationship a secret, it’s that simple.

Saturday Night

So it’s Saturday again, typie typie time. Hit those keys.

What I really wanna be doing is writing my book or making cards. I can’t really do anything extra right now besides clean and make masks. I have to make about 25 masks and I am hoping to be done by the end of the week. I cut out all the pieces and started putting them together. I’m going to pleat some tonight, yes at 11 pm. Jeez I’m tired.

Book is not coming along. I honestly think next January will be my JAM. Kids will both be in school, hopefully, and its a slow season at work. In the Fall I’ll probably be working 5-6 days a week and my day(s) off will be catching up on cleaning and baking. Speaking of baking, I have made oatmeal chocolate chip cookies for the last weeks. I’m mostly off dairy so I have been giving them to my kids and friends. This week I’m going to make oatmeal raisin and bring a bunch to work as it is my friend’s birthday. Damn, I’d love to make a new card for her but I probably don’t have time. I have lots ready to go at least!

How are you managing your time? I find it difficult. Personally, I’m trying to balance work, kids, hobbies and chatting with friends. I feel like keeping in contact with friends is really keeping me sane.

Side note, I really need a haircut. I like my long hair right now except for the fact that the ends are getting tangly. My feet are pretty fine but I’d die for a pedicure too. I just enjoy getting them so much. Spa day post quarantine? You know what? That sounds good in THEORY. However, I feel like I’ll be one of those people that it’s going to take me a hot minute to get comfortable getting that close to people again.

Alright, enough daydreaming about nice hair and soft feet, time to sew some masks!

Happy Saturday everyone!

Expectations VS Reality.

Last night I stayed up for three hours cutting pieces of fabric to make masks. In all fairness, I was also texting. I got the front and back for about 25 masks cut out. I still have to cut out the middle pieces, plus, do all the ironing and sewing. I have a few friends who want them and I am happy to make them. I’m a bit tired and a bit behind on housework, but it is good for me. I’m not the world’s best sewing expert. I’m still learning and I am getting some really great practice in!

I got my sewing machine when my six year old daughter Ellie was a baby. I couldn’t afford it but I usually get birthday money from my family, and then, in laws. I currently have mixed feelings about the fact that they helped buy it. It’s the only thing left in the house that I can remember them buying us. Actually, the baby stroller. The baby stroller was given to us by my in laws during our first baby shower.

Now it’s bugging me a little. It really shouldn’t but it does. There are just so many hard feelings between us. I am grateful for everything that they have done for my kids and our family. At one point that was a lot. I don’t like acknowledging that I needed them. Admitting that we didn’t have the money for a stroller or sewing machine. That is just me being a Leo and prideful though.

Why did I even want a sewing machine? I had this vision of being the “perfect housewife”. You know, baking for the family, a clean house and sewing dresses for my daughter. In the end it felt impractical. You can buy so many dresses for reasonable prices. I didn’t think sewing to be SO expensive. I didn’t expect to need SO much practice. I thought I would have had more time. I believed I would be better at it, sooner.

Even though I am now separated, and I have a little less patience than I want with my kids, I still have this vision of how I want to be. I am learning. I am growing closer everyday. As my kids get older, well, there are pros and cons to them getting older. Now, they get into everything but one day they will both be at school all day. Maybe I never made my daughter a dress, but I did make an outfit for her doll, which she cherishes. Maybe I’ll be the grandma who bakes and sews for everyone.

Do you have any hobbies?? What did you envision for yourself??

Sleep Deprevation

I got 11 hours sleep last night. It was so needed. My stomach has been upset all week, reacting to dairy I believe. Even as I write this, my eyes close, reminiscing about the exhaustion I had just yesterday. Although I feel so much better, I’m still sleepy. I crave coffee.

Work yesterday was literally embarrassing because of how groggy I was. Everyone I talked to said I looked tired, or pale, or sad. I’m really hoping I look better at work tonight after all my sleep! Besides looking like shit, work is going good! I’m back to my main department which is so nice! We are shipping out all the winter and Easter stuff. I feel like I have so much job security in this role. Sure, sometimes we are slow, but when they need me, they REALLY need me. Not too many people are trained in that department. There is two of us with the job title, and maybe four more that can help a little bit.

I feel like last week I really pushed the limits of not sleeping. I stayed up cleaning and talking to friends. I often woke up at two am and couldn’t get back to sleep til five. I’d work til 11 and couldn’t fall asleep til three am. I was all over the place. Gavin mostly doesn’t nap so napping isn’t really an option for me anymore.

Even though there was a lack of sleep issue, and even though there are diet changes afoot, I was incredibly happy last week. Not like bipolar mood swing happy haha. It just felt nice to have these personal connections. In some ways, with quarantine, I feel closer to my friends than ever. It feels like we are putting in extra efforts to entertain each other. Just this morning, a new friend of mine was sending me silly videos he made. Totally made my day.

That’s pretty much how its been going for the last few weeks though. Erratic sleep patterns, the food issues are new but before this I had a cold for three weeks. Working, doing the homeschool thing, trying to get my house in order, sewing masks when I have time, and working on strengthening the relationships. Now more than ever, I’ve been realizing how valuable the people in my life are. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I took people for granted, but sometimes I get caught up in things and don’t always pay attention.

Hope you are doing well and getting your sleep in!

Feeling Flirty These Days

I’ve escalated to Red Bull. Actually, I do have some good news. After a slew of “I should be cleaning” posts, on Friday night, I cleaned the living room and my bedroom! Took hours because it was like a weeks worth of toys in the living room. Alas, it is, Tuesday and it has been trashed again.

About a month ago my son learned to use the potty. As he was just learning, I rolled up the carpet. I was finally able to put it back down this past weekend. So even thought TODAY I have some cleaning to do, it is nice to have the carpet down. I am cleaning today I swear it, I swear it. I’m pretty sure everyone in my life is so tired me talking about cleaning or being overwhelmed by my kid’s messes. Every time they ask what’s up, I say cleaning or avoiding cleaning.

If I am being completely honest, I’ve been doing a little bit more than not cleaning my house. I started a series on TikTok reading the funniest tinder messages I get. In the process of making this series, I did end up talking to a couple humans that are very nice and getting to know them. Dating during covid is not really an option but there have been a lot of silly Snapchat shenanigans.

Am I even ready to date after the separation in October? A question I ask myself.

The answer is, well, with covid and social distancing, what I have is perfect. I am dipping my toe in. I am actually a little flirty again for the first time in years. I am starting to trust again, a little bit. There may be someone with the potential to be special to me but its so early, there’s no way of knowing. But it gives me hope. Hope that, one day, I will be able to open up again.

I will not say, one day I will be happy, because I am happy now. In this moment, in the week, I’m full of wonder and amazement. Maybe, just maybe, it doesn’t matter how things will work out with this one. I know that eventually I will meet the one. What matters to me, is that, I surround myself with people who expand my heart and soul. That I heal from past relationships. That any relationship I enter into, or maintain, friendly or romantic, helps me grow into a better person. I never want to feel held back or repressed again.

If I am being even more honest, I did see someone for about four months starting right after the separation. It was alright. We cared about each other in a respect way. It stayed pretty casual though and I never fell in love. The more time went on, the more things naturally faded. Our breakup was mutual, like dandelion fluff gently being floated away in the wind, without resistance. Even though that ended, I treasure it, because when we were together on a date, it was very nice. It was a good stepping stone to where I am now. We respected each other’s standards and emotions. Sometimes it’s just not there, just not right, and that is okay.

Scallops Anyone??

I’m done. I’m a cooked potato. I’m pretty tired. How’s your quarantine going?

I wouldn’t say I was lonely, because I’ve had lots of social interaction. I talk regularly with my friends on the phone and on FaceTime. Text them in between our chats. I am also still working. Maybe I’m overstimulated. Maybe I need a cuddle. I’m almost at the point where I take a deep breath when my phone lights up. Can I just have an uninterrupted hour to clean the kitchen?

In reality, I obviously know I could turn my phone off, or just put it in another room and I can take all the time I want and need.

Last weekend I had Friday night and all day Sunday off. Friday I had some drinks with a best friend of mine over FaceTime. I had done a little bit of cleaning beforehand but then I ended up setting up my sewing machine on the clean table. Which brings me to Sunday, in which I spent the entire day sewing masks. I made 8 masks, which is the most I could do because I didn’t have more elastics. I kept three for myself, gave one to my drinking buddy and gave four to the 72 year old I share an office with.

The masks have been a huge hit at work. I’ve gotten lots of complements on them and so far I’ve only made plain ones. I’ve had a couple people ask me to make masks for them and I have started prepping them. I think my problem is I keep taking on projects!! First I was just making cards, then I was selling makeup, then I was learning to paint, learning to draw and now sewing masks. All on top of working, cooking, blogging, making TikToks and having two kids at home.

You could say single mom life problems, artist problems, single problems, parent problems, human problems, first world problems, ambitious person problems, etc.. Basically, I’ve done it to myself. I want to do so much. I probably would get so much more done if I didn’t have so much social interaction.

I do find it kind of silly to complain about my phone blowing up when I honestly start most of the conversations. The problem is, 45 minutes in, I’m having a great time, I’m just realizing all the chores I have an projects I haven’t worked on. Even this blog post is a day late. Does that really matter? Probably not. A day is just a day. But I feel bad. I made a commitment. I’ve broken my word. I feel like I’ve broken a million promises to myself and it hurts. A lot. At the end of the day though, I’ll never ever be able to get back snuggle time with my kids, but I can do arts and crafts later in life a lot more. If I pass up communicating with my friends so much, we won’t have these amazing relationships that I have.

I guess I just needed to vent. I needed you, my blogverse. I needed another full circle, pointless chat with myself. I know if I was talking to my friends about this they would say that you can only get so much done in a day and that is okay. Maybe I just wanted you to hear it too. If you are overwhelmed, especially in this quarantine. That’s okay. I am too. Let’s take it one day at a time together. If you are bored and alone, don’t be afraid to be the one to reach out to your family and friends. I also, highly suggest a hobby. One thing I am definitely not is bored!

Little Embarrassed,

So if you read my blog, you know, I SHOULD BE CLEANING. Like seriously. I hate picking up todays. Well, I’m officially super embarrassed. My stepdad came over for a minute today to help me bring up groceries and he was stepping over toys left right and centre. I had a friend come to the door a few hours later and there were still a couple grocery bags on the floor. Nothing that needed to be refrigerated of course, but still! It’s just that I had a long day at work and when I got home I wanted to do some sewing. I got right into my project and that was that. I have tomorrow off and kids are with their dad so I can clean then! Right!?

In case you were wondering, I am sewing masks for the 72 year old I share and office with and my friend who has diabetes.

Okay, back to the house. The thing is, I just wanna clean it in my own time. Make it a little party. Then show it off and be like see I can tidy, eventually (haha).

So plan for tomorrow:
– do my hair and makeup
– make TikToks
– clean!!!
– finish sewing the masks
– make chicken noodle soup from scratch

It’s a big day but I got all day. It’s going to be awesome!

Happy Easter!

Current Mood: Gratitude.

So I’m behind on posting. This week has been kind of exhausting. I’ve been working longer hours some days because of Coronavirus. I’m grateful to be able to work though.

I’m also grateful for my ex right now because without him I wouldn’t be able to work. My grandmother was watching the kids twice a week, so I could pick up extra shifts, but we are worried about getting her sick. My ex is now watching the kids two nights a week ontop of having them all weekend. I’m actually home with them more (of their awake) time now that I’m starting work so late.

The deal was that I will cook him and the kids dinner the nights he babysits. So far I’ve made homemade meaty pasta sauce with rotini, roasted chicken and vegetables and one night we had chicken Caesar salad. Next week I’m making homemade chicken noodle soup. I’m getting lots of recipes from the TikTok.

I’m trying to get the kids outside a bit more, just for walks around the block, no socializing of course. They are taking the quarantine really well. I’m really proud of them! My son learned to use the potty. We are still using diapers at night and first thing in the morning. I stopped using diapers during his nap though.

Alrighty, that’s the update. I guess I better start thinking of what to write Saturday so I’m not late again haha. Best wishes everyone, stay safe.