Fights=Drinks

I’ve been thinking a lot about my standards, or lack there of. On Saturday, I had plans with my man friend. It didn’t work out because he drank too much watching UFC and decided he was too drunk to come. I am glad McDrunky didn’t show up that way. I didn’t really react except to ask why he would drink so much when he knew we had plans. He just texted “fights=drinks”. Well, can’t argue that, I guess. I wasn’t feeling 100%, so I was kind of relieved to be honest.

The next day I was talking to a friend of mine, and I was insisting there better be some serious grovelling. They suggested I drop him. Honestly, if you read this blog you know that a week ago I was thinking we should just be friends already, but hadn’t the nerve to tell him.

There are a few reasons why I wasn’t actually mad, except the fact that I wasted time shaving my legs. I wasn’t “sitting and waiting” for the date. Sure I cleaned the living room and vacuumed, but that needed to be done anyways. I put on makeup but ended up making five TikToks. I was about to start sewing when he cancelled the date. I decided not to do that after he messaged because I was kind of annoyed. I don’t like sewing annoyed. It’s like perfect stewing situation. Instead, I put my headphones in and started dancing around. I ended up complaining to another boy that my plans fell through. He offered to be here in 30 minutes (haha – good to know). It was already 1 am by that point though and I needed to go to bed.

So all morning, as my man friend slept, I thought of what I was going to say. I’d finally say I wanted to be friends. Right? Blah. No. We acted completely normal like nothing happened. There was no grovelling. We ignored it. We moved on. Does this mean I have no standards? Does this mean I don’t respect myself? These are questions I can’t answer now.

I do know how I feel about him has changed. I originally just wanted to be friends because I was falling in love with him. He didn’t seem like 100% the best fit for me so I was pulling back. I wanted to protect myself. Now he feels friend zoned even though we haven’t had a talk. I feel more emotionally disconnected. I feel as if I could care about this person and could be friends with this person for life but I have doubts if we would work out as a couple. I feel like I am more open to other people than I was, say, two weeks ago.

Have I completely given up on him? Obviously not because I am avoiding a feelings talk. When I tell a guy I just want to be friends, to me, it’s like accepting I may never speak to him again. I feel like I have a case of adjusted expectations. Maybe I just don’t want to give up the benefits (haha), and I am not just talking about the fact that we have the longest Snap streak I’ve ever had. I’ve lowered my expectations of the situations. I’ve lowered my standards for him.

That being said, I’ve raised my standards because of him in some ways. I’ve never talked to a guy so much since high school. He is always interested in my day and makes me feel good about myself. He saves almost all my snaps of myself, even the ones with goofy filters. He is a very positive and ambitious person. So even if nothing comes out of this relationship, and being friends doesn’t even work out, at least I have better formed ideas of what I am looking for in a person and in a relationship.

Part of me feels guilty being so frustrated at him. Maybe it is because I am a woman trained to say sorry a thousand times a day. Honestly, another part of why I’m not that mad is because the idea of him FINALLY watching his fight and having a great time is so adorable to me. I tend to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and forgive people quickly. I feel tremendous guilt when I get angry. “Sorry I got mad” is something I’ve said a thousand times. I often feel like its ‘not my place’ to be mad. What gives me the right? I feel like I should be madder about Saturday than I am. If I was just hanging out waiting, I would be madder.

One of the big things I like about this guy is that we hang out so late. We are both really busy and he basically works nights so its when he is awake and available. I don’t know many guys who would be understanding that I work til 11 pm and I still have to get home and get ready. I find him really accommodating to my schedule. We talked about when the kids go to school and hanging out during the week and he would be down for that also. Can you feel my wheels spinning? Because I can. I think I am still really up in my feelings, even though I do genuinely feel more disconnected.

Now I feel like friend zoning someone over one mistake is an overreaction. I’m osculating. I’m sorry.

Expectations VS Reality.

Last night I stayed up for three hours cutting pieces of fabric to make masks. In all fairness, I was also texting. I got the front and back for about 25 masks cut out. I still have to cut out the middle pieces, plus, do all the ironing and sewing. I have a few friends who want them and I am happy to make them. I’m a bit tired and a bit behind on housework, but it is good for me. I’m not the world’s best sewing expert. I’m still learning and I am getting some really great practice in!

I got my sewing machine when my six year old daughter Ellie was a baby. I couldn’t afford it but I usually get birthday money from my family, and then, in laws. I currently have mixed feelings about the fact that they helped buy it. It’s the only thing left in the house that I can remember them buying us. Actually, the baby stroller. The baby stroller was given to us by my in laws during our first baby shower.

Now it’s bugging me a little. It really shouldn’t but it does. There are just so many hard feelings between us. I am grateful for everything that they have done for my kids and our family. At one point that was a lot. I don’t like acknowledging that I needed them. Admitting that we didn’t have the money for a stroller or sewing machine. That is just me being a Leo and prideful though.

Why did I even want a sewing machine? I had this vision of being the “perfect housewife”. You know, baking for the family, a clean house and sewing dresses for my daughter. In the end it felt impractical. You can buy so many dresses for reasonable prices. I didn’t think sewing to be SO expensive. I didn’t expect to need SO much practice. I thought I would have had more time. I believed I would be better at it, sooner.

Even though I am now separated, and I have a little less patience than I want with my kids, I still have this vision of how I want to be. I am learning. I am growing closer everyday. As my kids get older, well, there are pros and cons to them getting older. Now, they get into everything but one day they will both be at school all day. Maybe I never made my daughter a dress, but I did make an outfit for her doll, which she cherishes. Maybe I’ll be the grandma who bakes and sews for everyone.

Do you have any hobbies?? What did you envision for yourself??

Sleep Deprevation

I got 11 hours sleep last night. It was so needed. My stomach has been upset all week, reacting to dairy I believe. Even as I write this, my eyes close, reminiscing about the exhaustion I had just yesterday. Although I feel so much better, I’m still sleepy. I crave coffee.

Work yesterday was literally embarrassing because of how groggy I was. Everyone I talked to said I looked tired, or pale, or sad. I’m really hoping I look better at work tonight after all my sleep! Besides looking like shit, work is going good! I’m back to my main department which is so nice! We are shipping out all the winter and Easter stuff. I feel like I have so much job security in this role. Sure, sometimes we are slow, but when they need me, they REALLY need me. Not too many people are trained in that department. There is two of us with the job title, and maybe four more that can help a little bit.

I feel like last week I really pushed the limits of not sleeping. I stayed up cleaning and talking to friends. I often woke up at two am and couldn’t get back to sleep til five. I’d work til 11 and couldn’t fall asleep til three am. I was all over the place. Gavin mostly doesn’t nap so napping isn’t really an option for me anymore.

Even though there was a lack of sleep issue, and even though there are diet changes afoot, I was incredibly happy last week. Not like bipolar mood swing happy haha. It just felt nice to have these personal connections. In some ways, with quarantine, I feel closer to my friends than ever. It feels like we are putting in extra efforts to entertain each other. Just this morning, a new friend of mine was sending me silly videos he made. Totally made my day.

That’s pretty much how its been going for the last few weeks though. Erratic sleep patterns, the food issues are new but before this I had a cold for three weeks. Working, doing the homeschool thing, trying to get my house in order, sewing masks when I have time, and working on strengthening the relationships. Now more than ever, I’ve been realizing how valuable the people in my life are. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I took people for granted, but sometimes I get caught up in things and don’t always pay attention.

Hope you are doing well and getting your sleep in!

Scallops Anyone??

I’m done. I’m a cooked potato. I’m pretty tired. How’s your quarantine going?

I wouldn’t say I was lonely, because I’ve had lots of social interaction. I talk regularly with my friends on the phone and on FaceTime. Text them in between our chats. I am also still working. Maybe I’m overstimulated. Maybe I need a cuddle. I’m almost at the point where I take a deep breath when my phone lights up. Can I just have an uninterrupted hour to clean the kitchen?

In reality, I obviously know I could turn my phone off, or just put it in another room and I can take all the time I want and need.

Last weekend I had Friday night and all day Sunday off. Friday I had some drinks with a best friend of mine over FaceTime. I had done a little bit of cleaning beforehand but then I ended up setting up my sewing machine on the clean table. Which brings me to Sunday, in which I spent the entire day sewing masks. I made 8 masks, which is the most I could do because I didn’t have more elastics. I kept three for myself, gave one to my drinking buddy and gave four to the 72 year old I share an office with.

The masks have been a huge hit at work. I’ve gotten lots of complements on them and so far I’ve only made plain ones. I’ve had a couple people ask me to make masks for them and I have started prepping them. I think my problem is I keep taking on projects!! First I was just making cards, then I was selling makeup, then I was learning to paint, learning to draw and now sewing masks. All on top of working, cooking, blogging, making TikToks and having two kids at home.

You could say single mom life problems, artist problems, single problems, parent problems, human problems, first world problems, ambitious person problems, etc.. Basically, I’ve done it to myself. I want to do so much. I probably would get so much more done if I didn’t have so much social interaction.

I do find it kind of silly to complain about my phone blowing up when I honestly start most of the conversations. The problem is, 45 minutes in, I’m having a great time, I’m just realizing all the chores I have an projects I haven’t worked on. Even this blog post is a day late. Does that really matter? Probably not. A day is just a day. But I feel bad. I made a commitment. I’ve broken my word. I feel like I’ve broken a million promises to myself and it hurts. A lot. At the end of the day though, I’ll never ever be able to get back snuggle time with my kids, but I can do arts and crafts later in life a lot more. If I pass up communicating with my friends so much, we won’t have these amazing relationships that I have.

I guess I just needed to vent. I needed you, my blogverse. I needed another full circle, pointless chat with myself. I know if I was talking to my friends about this they would say that you can only get so much done in a day and that is okay. Maybe I just wanted you to hear it too. If you are overwhelmed, especially in this quarantine. That’s okay. I am too. Let’s take it one day at a time together. If you are bored and alone, don’t be afraid to be the one to reach out to your family and friends. I also, highly suggest a hobby. One thing I am definitely not is bored!

Little Embarrassed,

So if you read my blog, you know, I SHOULD BE CLEANING. Like seriously. I hate picking up todays. Well, I’m officially super embarrassed. My stepdad came over for a minute today to help me bring up groceries and he was stepping over toys left right and centre. I had a friend come to the door a few hours later and there were still a couple grocery bags on the floor. Nothing that needed to be refrigerated of course, but still! It’s just that I had a long day at work and when I got home I wanted to do some sewing. I got right into my project and that was that. I have tomorrow off and kids are with their dad so I can clean then! Right!?

In case you were wondering, I am sewing masks for the 72 year old I share and office with and my friend who has diabetes.

Okay, back to the house. The thing is, I just wanna clean it in my own time. Make it a little party. Then show it off and be like see I can tidy, eventually (haha).

So plan for tomorrow:
– do my hair and makeup
– make TikToks
– clean!!!
– finish sewing the masks
– make chicken noodle soup from scratch

It’s a big day but I got all day. It’s going to be awesome!

Happy Easter!

Current Mood: Gratitude.

So I’m behind on posting. This week has been kind of exhausting. I’ve been working longer hours some days because of Coronavirus. I’m grateful to be able to work though.

I’m also grateful for my ex right now because without him I wouldn’t be able to work. My grandmother was watching the kids twice a week, so I could pick up extra shifts, but we are worried about getting her sick. My ex is now watching the kids two nights a week ontop of having them all weekend. I’m actually home with them more (of their awake) time now that I’m starting work so late.

The deal was that I will cook him and the kids dinner the nights he babysits. So far I’ve made homemade meaty pasta sauce with rotini, roasted chicken and vegetables and one night we had chicken Caesar salad. Next week I’m making homemade chicken noodle soup. I’m getting lots of recipes from the TikTok.

I’m trying to get the kids outside a bit more, just for walks around the block, no socializing of course. They are taking the quarantine really well. I’m really proud of them! My son learned to use the potty. We are still using diapers at night and first thing in the morning. I stopped using diapers during his nap though.

Alrighty, that’s the update. I guess I better start thinking of what to write Saturday so I’m not late again haha. Best wishes everyone, stay safe.

We Are All Tired

I’m at the gym, relaxing in a massage chair, waiting for my iced coffee to kick in. Admittedly, not the most strenuous of workouts so far, but I do pay for gym daycare. Having some me time is lovely in this moment.

On Fridays I have my son home all day, I do the school routine with my daughter. At dinner time I head to work and am there til 11 at night. Saturdays I’ll usually work 8 hours and do some cleaning. Sundays my kids have sports and then I go to work. Bed early on Sunday because I’ll work at 6 or 7 am on Monday. This is my weekend routine, every weekend.

During the week I mostly hang out with my kids, do art and homework. I try to keep up on the daily cleaning but I honestly hate cleaning. Of course, when there is five minutes of tidiness, it feels amazing. My son is king of trashing the joint. On Wednesdays, my grandma will come watch my son. I’ll walk my daughter to school, walk to work, work, walk to her school, then walk home. I get a lovely 15 minute break at lunch time that I cherish. I’m usually starving by the time I get home, so now all my jackets have granola bars in the pockets.

In September, I hope to work more since my son is in school. Because I work shorter shifts, I’ve been scheduled for six days a week before. My grandma is only up to watching my son two days a week right now and I do want to spend as much time with him as I can. If I wasn’t so deep in debt, I would only be working weekends. Those Monday and Wednesday shifts really add up.

Am I burnt out? Sometimes it feels that way. The grind of cleaning my house gets to me. It feels like it is always time to deep clean something. I really can’t let the house go because my grandma watches the kids at my house, which is probably a blessing. I’m hoping that once my son gets a little older, he will be less messy (he’s three right now). My daughter is six and she’s pretty clean. At the very least, he will be in school all day so he will have less time to get into things!

So, a little burnt out, but incredibly grateful. Grateful to have two AMAZING kids. Grateful to have my grandma’s help. Grateful to have a job, especially one that works around my schedule. Grateful I don’t have to pay for before/after school daycare.

Why did I even bother writing this? Partly, I’m venting. I’m tired. I’m trying to do better all the time. However, I want to give empathy to those other single parents, working parents, tired parents, parents of messy kids, those thinking of becoming single parents, those considering going back to work, those who need to take some me time. You are not alone. We are all grinding away. We are all doing the best we can.

Hey, look at that! My coffee kicked in! Time to actually work out! (Haha) I better go do that.

What Should I Skimp On?

Sometimes I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. Is everything a waste of time? I work out, then I eat like crap. I work on gaining Instagram followers, then I ignore it for a week. I pay down my debt a bit, but then I buy a new storage system. I suppose an argument can be made that if I never tried I would be in a way worse position. Today’s ramblings are brought on by me doing my taxes, go me, expecting a refund, and then buying Warcraft III. My refund was more than the game but still. I could be better with money. I bought a whole book on do you really need it and there are a couple things I’m struggling with. Random video game, well, it is a favourite and I was going to buy it eventually. I did not want to wait years until my debt was paid off so whatever.

The other day I went on a date and the topic of Lululemon came up. He said something along the lines of “of course you like it, you are a girl”. Very funny, girls love Lululemon. Girls love being comfy and looking good. The thing is, I’ve seen people talk about different brands of yoga pants that are comparable and I didn’t really take the time to fully check them out. Note to self, look into cheaper options more seriously! I suppose it’s nothing a quick google search couldn’t fix. What I really like about them is the elastic waist. Regular yoga pants just fall down on me. Damn pear shape.

What about my shoes? I buy Nikes 99% of the time. Last pair I bought was these orthopedic Adidas. Hmm, maybe shoes isn’t something I want to skimp on, especially since I walk so much. One thing I can do is wear them longer. I used to replace my running shoes every six months. My mom would always buy me shoes for my birthday and Christmas. My ex wore his shoes until they were completely destroyed. Compromise, new shoes at first hole? In my closet I currently have four pairs of running shoes, the bottoms are all worn but their are no holes. If you know about shoes, advice in comments please. Of course I want to save money but then I worry I’ll get an injury for using old shoes.

What is the point of this blog? Just working through my feelings, working towards my goals of getting in shape and paying off my debt. Trying to figure things out one day at a time. I’m still deciding how much I want to sacrifice to get out of debt quickly, obviously not that much haha. Having you guys on the journey with me means a lot to me.

 

Will I Ever Move?

Sometimes I really wonder if I will live alone forever. I have so much fear about living with someone. Will it work out? Will it be worth giving up MY place? I’m so attached to my apartment and the fact that it is affordable. Rent has gone up hundreds of dollars since I moved in seven years ago. I know that one day my kids will move out and my place is big for one person. Maybe I will feel more comfortable moving in with someone once my kids no longer live with me. It’s less of a risk. Right now I know I can afford my apartment and support my kids no matter what. There is also the fact that if I do live with someone before my kids move out, that is a change for them. That is not necessarily a bad thing, it’s just a risk.

I don’t have to decide anything right now. It will be at least a couple years before I would have to make the decision. I do feel guilt in dating though. What if I chose to not live with someone while I’m raising my kids? Am I leading them on? Am I wasting their time? Will they understand? Will I be able to stick to my guns? Or should I get over my fears? Obviously, it depends on a million things and I will never know for sure what is the right decision until things play out. Living with anxiety is hard. Being a parent is hard. I wish I wasn’t so worried about it now. It’s honestly mostly the guilt of dating when their might be a glass ceiling. I always tell them it will take A LOT for me to consider moving. Maybe that is enough warning.

Two Kids or To Three Kids

Someone asked me last night if I wanted more kids. I giggled and said maybe. The truth is I’m really good either way. My kids are so perfect. I just miss having a cute, cuddly, breastfeeding baby. Babies grow up though and I will once again long for it. I’m sure when my kids are teenagers, I’ll miss the way they are right now. Every moment seems fleeting. The truth is, I never really expected someone to look at me with my two kids and be open to possibly, one day, maybe, having a baby with me. I was caught off guard. If it is the right decision is a completely different story, but right now I’m in my emotions. The smile I got when I said I would be open to getting married again to the right person. I guess it is just what I needed in the moment. I needed someone to look at me like that. I needed to feel validated. I needed to feel like maybe there is hope for the future. Maybe I will be with someone if I choose. That being said, I’m still completely on the fence about if I want to live with someone while my kids are still living with me. Definitely, yes, after they move out. Before? It would take someone really, really special. Obviously, if I wait twenty years I’m definitely not having more kids. In financial practically, its impractical to hope for it. Did that make sense? Basically, I was made to feel really good about myself and my future. I’m not going to pretend I have a crystal ball. I’m going to try to be less cynical about my future and see what comes my way. Until then, I love my kids, I love my job and I love the life I have. It’s totally okay if nothing changes.