Feeling Flirty These Days

I’ve escalated to Red Bull. Actually, I do have some good news. After a slew of “I should be cleaning” posts, on Friday night, I cleaned the living room and my bedroom! Took hours because it was like a weeks worth of toys in the living room. Alas, it is, Tuesday and it has been trashed again.

About a month ago my son learned to use the potty. As he was just learning, I rolled up the carpet. I was finally able to put it back down this past weekend. So even thought TODAY I have some cleaning to do, it is nice to have the carpet down. I am cleaning today I swear it, I swear it. I’m pretty sure everyone in my life is so tired me talking about cleaning or being overwhelmed by my kid’s messes. Every time they ask what’s up, I say cleaning or avoiding cleaning.

If I am being completely honest, I’ve been doing a little bit more than not cleaning my house. I started a series on TikTok reading the funniest tinder messages I get. In the process of making this series, I did end up talking to a couple humans that are very nice and getting to know them. Dating during covid is not really an option but there have been a lot of silly Snapchat shenanigans.

Am I even ready to date after the separation in October? A question I ask myself.

The answer is, well, with covid and social distancing, what I have is perfect. I am dipping my toe in. I am actually a little flirty again for the first time in years. I am starting to trust again, a little bit. There may be someone with the potential to be special to me but its so early, there’s no way of knowing. But it gives me hope. Hope that, one day, I will be able to open up again.

I will not say, one day I will be happy, because I am happy now. In this moment, in the week, I’m full of wonder and amazement. Maybe, just maybe, it doesn’t matter how things will work out with this one. I know that eventually I will meet the one. What matters to me, is that, I surround myself with people who expand my heart and soul. That I heal from past relationships. That any relationship I enter into, or maintain, friendly or romantic, helps me grow into a better person. I never want to feel held back or repressed again.

If I am being even more honest, I did see someone for about four months starting right after the separation. It was alright. We cared about each other in a respect way. It stayed pretty casual though and I never fell in love. The more time went on, the more things naturally faded. Our breakup was mutual, like dandelion fluff gently being floated away in the wind, without resistance. Even though that ended, I treasure it, because when we were together on a date, it was very nice. It was a good stepping stone to where I am now. We respected each other’s standards and emotions. Sometimes it’s just not there, just not right, and that is okay.

We Are All Tired

I’m at the gym, relaxing in a massage chair, waiting for my iced coffee to kick in. Admittedly, not the most strenuous of workouts so far, but I do pay for gym daycare. Having some me time is lovely in this moment.

On Fridays I have my son home all day, I do the school routine with my daughter. At dinner time I head to work and am there til 11 at night. Saturdays I’ll usually work 8 hours and do some cleaning. Sundays my kids have sports and then I go to work. Bed early on Sunday because I’ll work at 6 or 7 am on Monday. This is my weekend routine, every weekend.

During the week I mostly hang out with my kids, do art and homework. I try to keep up on the daily cleaning but I honestly hate cleaning. Of course, when there is five minutes of tidiness, it feels amazing. My son is king of trashing the joint. On Wednesdays, my grandma will come watch my son. I’ll walk my daughter to school, walk to work, work, walk to her school, then walk home. I get a lovely 15 minute break at lunch time that I cherish. I’m usually starving by the time I get home, so now all my jackets have granola bars in the pockets.

In September, I hope to work more since my son is in school. Because I work shorter shifts, I’ve been scheduled for six days a week before. My grandma is only up to watching my son two days a week right now and I do want to spend as much time with him as I can. If I wasn’t so deep in debt, I would only be working weekends. Those Monday and Wednesday shifts really add up.

Am I burnt out? Sometimes it feels that way. The grind of cleaning my house gets to me. It feels like it is always time to deep clean something. I really can’t let the house go because my grandma watches the kids at my house, which is probably a blessing. I’m hoping that once my son gets a little older, he will be less messy (he’s three right now). My daughter is six and she’s pretty clean. At the very least, he will be in school all day so he will have less time to get into things!

So, a little burnt out, but incredibly grateful. Grateful to have two AMAZING kids. Grateful to have my grandma’s help. Grateful to have a job, especially one that works around my schedule. Grateful I don’t have to pay for before/after school daycare.

Why did I even bother writing this? Partly, I’m venting. I’m tired. I’m trying to do better all the time. However, I want to give empathy to those other single parents, working parents, tired parents, parents of messy kids, those thinking of becoming single parents, those considering going back to work, those who need to take some me time. You are not alone. We are all grinding away. We are all doing the best we can.

Hey, look at that! My coffee kicked in! Time to actually work out! (Haha) I better go do that.

I’m Separated

My husband and I broke up, again. This time was way less dramatic. I didn’t have a complete nervous breakdown. I didn’t even cry. This weekend I felt like crying though. I really missed my kids. I didn’t do anything besides work and clean my house all weekend. The quiet I can deal with. It’s not the quiet. It is all their cute, messy, little things all over my house. It’s the tiny little laundry of theirs I have to fold and put away. I even almost miss the constant interruptions.

Part of me misses my husband. We were together for seven years. If I’m honest, maybe I just miss how he took care of us. I miss his help cleaning up the toys. I miss the days where we would go out to dinner together. Him picking me up from work and getting groceries together. How he used to rub my head when we would watch tv together. I miss him as a friend too. We would watch shows and play video games together. I would show him all the cards I made.

I’m not going to get into all the reasons why we broke up. I will say that I honestly believe we both made mistakes. I feel like I had unresolved resentments towards him from the last breakup. I have a hard time letting go of being hurt it seems. I’m sad that things are over but I have to believe it is for the best. I don’t think we were entirely suited for each other. Even when we tried it was a struggle, although we were getting better.

I hope we can remain friends. I hope we can continue to communicate and share the kids well. The past three months, I feel like we have done a much better job at being civil and cooperating. He stayed in the apartment until he could move into his own apartment. We go to the kids’ activities together on the weekend. I’m very lucky that my work is accommodating and is scheduling me around their sports.

How am I doing now? I’m scared. I’m sad at times. I’m also very happy. I feel like I appreciate things more. I appreciate time with the kids more. Even my job. I’m scared because of the financial burden. I know it will be harder to get out of debt. I know that I have to work a certain amount to pay for our groceries. I wonder how much money I am going to waste on my Etsy shop before I give up. I worry that if I give up too soon I’ll be kicking myself for not having a second income stream. Money is the biggest fear. I think I’m doing a good job taking care and feeding the monkeys, though. I’m trying to acknowledge that it is an adjustment and that it will take time.