New Vacuum Got Me Wavering

My vacuum has been dying for a couple weeks. It seemed to happen all of a sudden. On Saturday, I ended up replacing it. The Dyson Animal has been replaced with the Animal 2. It is bigger and heavier than my dead vacuum. The thing is, recently I have been reading a financial book. In it, it has a chapter on if you really need brand name products. It mostly focuses on purses and clothes. I have been thinking about it a lot since I am a brand snob. I have a Kate Spade and two JuJuBe diaper bags. I have Coach purses. I seem to wear Lululemon and Roots pants exclusively.

The more I think about it, the more I realize how scared I am. Will I go into a store and be too fat for their clothes? I could live without the embarrassment. Will I buy something and it falls apart quickly? I would have known better than to try to cut corners. In regards to the vacuum, I did seriously look a Bissel, but fear took over. I know that Bissels are returned on the daily to the store I work at. The fear sunk in. Would I have to return it? I have a shag carpet. Will a $200 vacuum work on that? Will it last? My Dyson lasted 7.5 years. If it lasts at least two years, when I use it, will it work as well? Is this cheaper Bissel who I am? What does it say about me that I wanted to save some money? Part of me felt disloyal for almost buying the Bissel. My anxiety creeped and creeped until one day I saw that it was in stock at Walmart and I impulse bought the Dyson. Even as I was buying it, I felt slightly idiotic for spending so much. A bunch of employees asked me if it was worth the money as I was checking out. I told them yes and why I felt that way (shag carpets, 7.5 years) but in my head I was wavering. Have I been brainwashed by the Dyson branding team?

I feel the same way about a Vitamix. Right now I am using a cheap blender, and it feels cheap. My smoothies come out chunky half the time. It dies on me. This is the second one of the same brand and its finicky. Even when it is all “blended” it isn’t as blended as a high end blender would do. Having a cheap appliance is not my usual, however, I got them randomly as a gift from my grandma. One of the two hasn’t completely died so I still have time to make a decision on what I will replace it with. I’ve debated for two years on if I will get the Ninja, Breville or Vitamix. I know that if I get the Ninja or Breville I’ll be doing it to save money. Does that mean they are bad? No. They are probably both excellent. They will both definitely be better than what I am currently using. The fear creeps in. Will I be disappointed? Will it last and be worth the money? If I say right now I’ll get a cheaper one and get the Vitamix next round, will the cheaper one last for ten years and I will be waiting in frustration for it to die, like I am right now? Every day my cheap ass blender holds up, I am grateful. I am especially grateful that my kids aren’t having a complete meltdown that their smoothie isn’t coming. I am also grateful to not have another expense right now. Part of me is so excited to replace the damn thing though. Then I think, maybe if my Keurig dies. Then I will have an actual spot for a blender. I can put some birthday money towards getting a good blender and I will be able to keep it on the counter. (I have a great Breville electric kettle so I can have tea/ instant coffee. I don’t think I will preplace the Keurig, it was a housewarming gift 7.5 years ago from my mom)

My problem? I struggle with fear, anxiety and snobbiness. My bio dad always said, “Never look at the price tag, buy quality.” Being money focused these days I wonder a lot. I wonder if my expensive clothes really do last longer. I know they are cozy and look great. I know I like them, but does that mean I can’t try to like different, cheaper brands? In theory, I am baby stepping my way out of my snobbiness. Trying to accept the realities of single mom life. In reality, am I really? (lol) I am a quality over quantity gal. I would rather have seven $150 outfits I love than 20 cheap outfits. The internal struggle is ongoing and real.

So tell me… how do you buy your clothes and appliances? What do you factor?

On Starting Over

I call it my phoenix rising; those times in my life when I burn everything to the ground and build a new. There are always consequences to this drama but sometimes I just snap. Most people around me hear at least one pent up grievance . It feels like I can’t hold anything in any longer. Sometimes I’m extra dramatic. Last year I snapped. I let people get to me. I felt bullied. I felt like it was time to stand up for myself. I hear the song Way Too Far by Korn on repeat. I took things too far. I got too angry.

In this blog I want to be real. Yes, I want to talk about the joys of parenting, however, I want to relate the human side of me. Instagram just shows cute cards, colourful lipstick, and adorable little humans. It’s real but it’s not everything. Sometimes I wish there wasn’t more to say. Sometimes I’m embarrassed by my hot headedness. It has definitely gotten me in trouble from time to time. My father once described someone as “great with children, bad with adults”. This was me. My kids could destroy the place without me blinking but I was extra prickly with the rest of my family.

As much as I wish things could have been different and that I didn’t look so insane, I think of those times as growing pains. In fact, what came of it was great growth. My husband and I are in a place that is better than ever. I hear myself saying “I wish last year never happened but I don’t know how we could have gotten where we are otherwise”. There are people who were in my life who are no longer. I went through a grieving period but now I see the good in it.

The people I lost had issues with me for years. I’ve known since high school that people either really love me or really hate me. I have one of those big personalities that are sometimes grating. I can get over hyper at times, or you could say, I am creative, imaginative and inspired. Love me or hate me, it is what it is. I will probably blow up every few years. I may even act crazy. If you love me you will accept it.

So now I have been starting over from scratch. I redid all my social media. That was kind of depressing, but it is coming along now. As much as I regret giving up social media during the shit storm last year, I think I am doing a better job now. I’m learning and growing. I’m only in the beginning phases of where I want to be, but that’s okay, because I see it coming along. If it doesn’t workout, well, I’ll start over.

Although I will always have many regrets, I wouldn’t be where I am without it. Where am I that is so glamourous that I can accept all my missteps? I have an amazing husband who just keeps getting better somehow. I have two super great kids who used to be sick with FPIES but who are healthy now. I have a good part time job that I could actually see myself doing for a long time. I have a beautiful apartment I may never want to move out of. I get to do crafts and art with my kids for hours a day in a beautiful corner of said apartment. Life is good.

I know that at some point things will change. I may have another phoenix moment. I may lose my temper and go way too far again, but I’m working on it. I’m working on just being happy and grateful. I am learning to accept the past and move on. I am becoming a better human every year.

Have you started over? What did you learn from it?