Sleep Deprevation

I got 11 hours sleep last night. It was so needed. My stomach has been upset all week, reacting to dairy I believe. Even as I write this, my eyes close, reminiscing about the exhaustion I had just yesterday. Although I feel so much better, I’m still sleepy. I crave coffee.

Work yesterday was literally embarrassing because of how groggy I was. Everyone I talked to said I looked tired, or pale, or sad. I’m really hoping I look better at work tonight after all my sleep! Besides looking like shit, work is going good! I’m back to my main department which is so nice! We are shipping out all the winter and Easter stuff. I feel like I have so much job security in this role. Sure, sometimes we are slow, but when they need me, they REALLY need me. Not too many people are trained in that department. There is two of us with the job title, and maybe four more that can help a little bit.

I feel like last week I really pushed the limits of not sleeping. I stayed up cleaning and talking to friends. I often woke up at two am and couldn’t get back to sleep til five. I’d work til 11 and couldn’t fall asleep til three am. I was all over the place. Gavin mostly doesn’t nap so napping isn’t really an option for me anymore.

Even though there was a lack of sleep issue, and even though there are diet changes afoot, I was incredibly happy last week. Not like bipolar mood swing happy haha. It just felt nice to have these personal connections. In some ways, with quarantine, I feel closer to my friends than ever. It feels like we are putting in extra efforts to entertain each other. Just this morning, a new friend of mine was sending me silly videos he made. Totally made my day.

That’s pretty much how its been going for the last few weeks though. Erratic sleep patterns, the food issues are new but before this I had a cold for three weeks. Working, doing the homeschool thing, trying to get my house in order, sewing masks when I have time, and working on strengthening the relationships. Now more than ever, I’ve been realizing how valuable the people in my life are. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I took people for granted, but sometimes I get caught up in things and don’t always pay attention.

Hope you are doing well and getting your sleep in!

Scallops Anyone??

I’m done. I’m a cooked potato. I’m pretty tired. How’s your quarantine going?

I wouldn’t say I was lonely, because I’ve had lots of social interaction. I talk regularly with my friends on the phone and on FaceTime. Text them in between our chats. I am also still working. Maybe I’m overstimulated. Maybe I need a cuddle. I’m almost at the point where I take a deep breath when my phone lights up. Can I just have an uninterrupted hour to clean the kitchen?

In reality, I obviously know I could turn my phone off, or just put it in another room and I can take all the time I want and need.

Last weekend I had Friday night and all day Sunday off. Friday I had some drinks with a best friend of mine over FaceTime. I had done a little bit of cleaning beforehand but then I ended up setting up my sewing machine on the clean table. Which brings me to Sunday, in which I spent the entire day sewing masks. I made 8 masks, which is the most I could do because I didn’t have more elastics. I kept three for myself, gave one to my drinking buddy and gave four to the 72 year old I share an office with.

The masks have been a huge hit at work. I’ve gotten lots of complements on them and so far I’ve only made plain ones. I’ve had a couple people ask me to make masks for them and I have started prepping them. I think my problem is I keep taking on projects!! First I was just making cards, then I was selling makeup, then I was learning to paint, learning to draw and now sewing masks. All on top of working, cooking, blogging, making TikToks and having two kids at home.

You could say single mom life problems, artist problems, single problems, parent problems, human problems, first world problems, ambitious person problems, etc.. Basically, I’ve done it to myself. I want to do so much. I probably would get so much more done if I didn’t have so much social interaction.

I do find it kind of silly to complain about my phone blowing up when I honestly start most of the conversations. The problem is, 45 minutes in, I’m having a great time, I’m just realizing all the chores I have an projects I haven’t worked on. Even this blog post is a day late. Does that really matter? Probably not. A day is just a day. But I feel bad. I made a commitment. I’ve broken my word. I feel like I’ve broken a million promises to myself and it hurts. A lot. At the end of the day though, I’ll never ever be able to get back snuggle time with my kids, but I can do arts and crafts later in life a lot more. If I pass up communicating with my friends so much, we won’t have these amazing relationships that I have.

I guess I just needed to vent. I needed you, my blogverse. I needed another full circle, pointless chat with myself. I know if I was talking to my friends about this they would say that you can only get so much done in a day and that is okay. Maybe I just wanted you to hear it too. If you are overwhelmed, especially in this quarantine. That’s okay. I am too. Let’s take it one day at a time together. If you are bored and alone, don’t be afraid to be the one to reach out to your family and friends. I also, highly suggest a hobby. One thing I am definitely not is bored!

We Are Very Different

I had my ex over for dinner tonight and we took the kids for a short scooter ride. While we were out, we got talking about how much we appreciate the different things we do for the kids. I like that he takes the kids to the park, for bike and scooter rides, is very clean and somehow gets my daughter to do lots of reading. I told him that sometimes I feel like shit because it feels like he is the better parent. He said that I am the parent who lets them paint themselves with glitter, and dry up all the playdoh making statues. He likes that I let the kids be so creative and although they completely trash my house, they get to do a lot of cool, fun things that he wouldn’t be down with.

My daughter loves it at her dad’s because they have a playroom. She loves it here because sometimes I fall asleep putting them to bed and she gets tons of snuggle time. I think we are happier now that we are apart. At least now, we never ever fight in front of the kids. Things are definitely harder and more exhausting being apart, but in some ways more relaxed. I used to apologize every day because the kids would make a mess and I suck at staying on top of keeping things clean. We eat a lot more leftovers these days. Tonight I made homemade pasta sauce and you can sure bet that’s what dinner is the next two days. For lunches, today I cut up a pineapple, a brick of cheese and a turkey kielbasa, so that will be offered. If I am feeling motivated, I may make sandwiches.

I’m just glad they have both of us in their lives. Maybe it can’t be quantified who is the better parent. It is all about perspective and priorities.

Goalsetting in 2020

When I started 2020 my goal for my blog was, well, to do it. At some point I finessed that goal, and set out to post at least once a week. Sometimes, I want to post everyday but that is not sustainable. I also don’t want to bombard you with manic ramblings. I’ve decided a happy medium is posting twice a week for the rest of the year. I don’t know if I will do that forever but I do think I can do it for this year. Wednesdays and Saturdays.

I don’t want to make goals for follower count or statistics because I can’t control that. I feel that with time, and practice, my writing will get better. 84 more posts of practice should help with that, along with some reading on writing/blogging. After the year is done and I see how many followers I have, maybe in 2021 I will make a follower goal.

At the start of the year, another goal was to lose 36 lbs, putting me under 200 lbs. Right now I’m at 233. I was doing really well but then I got some sort of tendinitis in my foot and stopped exercising for the most part. I still have to walk to and from work, which can be very painful. Around the same time I started eating dairy and pork again, because they no longer upset my stomach. Yay, feeling healthier that way. I may have overdid things though in the eating department lol. I’m okay with the choices I’ve made. I’ve been enjoying life and eating lately. That being said, am I watching what I’m eating again? Yes, I’m making more an effort to eat healthy. Still a little depressed that I’m not working out, but I know it’s temporary. My goal is still possible, however, as long as I’m down in weight, ideally about 220 or under, at the end of the year, I’ll be happy.

I have two credit cards. A goal for 2020 is to pay the higher interest card off completely. I’m on track for that. This past week I bought some shoes (see my last post Splurging on Myself), and I just ordered an art drying rack, which ended up costing me $800 after shipping and taxes. Why the F would I spend $800 on a drying rack? Right now, we are using a big box as a drying surface. Since it is only one layer, it is not the most space efficient. My kids and I are all artists. We fight over drying space all the time. We sometimes lay things precariously on the floor, which is a super dangerous decision with a toddler. This wood drying rack is the only one that I could find that suited our needs, and it’s the same kind that we fell in love with at the Early Years Centre. Even if my kids don’t end up being artists, I am an artist/crafter. Sometimes I use oil paint and it takes weeks to dry. Ok, I’ll stop justifying, but seriously, I think I’ll use it for the rest of my life. I didn’t factor in my tax refund in my debt repayment plans, so all is good with the splurging lately! If I wasn’t going to make this goal I wouldn’t have bought the drying rack this year. It’s really important to me that I get rid the balance of this card, and keep it off forever.

Speaking of art drying racks, I never made any art goals at the beginning of the year. I’m not going to let that stop me from doing it now. I think I had an idea of a goal, but it doesn’t really mean much unless it is specific and measurable. In February I made a goal of doing a TikTok everyday, mostly arty. It was to inspire me to create. Lately, I’ve been working so much on my blog (writing, plus adding the home and photo pages), that I haven’t focused on TikTok. In February, I did gain 100 followers for my efforts, which I’m pretty proud of.

My new art goal for 2020: to create a new card every week. Sometimes I make duplicates of the same card, but I want to make sometime new every week. I have some new stamps and dies I need to try out! Sometimes, I get really into making backgrounds and spend all week just doing that. It can lead to me having piles of backgrounds with no idea how to use them! Finishing cards regularly will keep my stocks fresh for my bestie Ami, and keep my Etsy shop up in people’s notifications.

So, I’m a mom. Hey, how are you other parents? 2020 goal only applies to the summer here. Take the kids to the GOOD park every week all summer. I work a lot, so not going to commit to more than once a week. We love it there. It is about a 30 minute walk from our house, little longer if we stop at Timmies on the way, but worth it.

My last goal for this year was to keep my house clean! It’s going okay. I hate cleaning when I could be crafting or blogging. Right now I am writing this procrastinating a sink full of dishes! I will get on it though, and I feel like I am doing a lot better with it. Goal measured by the amount of my grandma’s comments and complaints lol. I’m joking, or am I?

So, I just went on and on. It’s your turn! What are your goals for 2020? Have they changed since the start of the year?

What Is Your Legacy?

Part of me doesn’t care if anyone reads this blog. Part of me hopes no one in my family does, but I hope my children do when they are late teenagers. I hope they read everything I’ve written. I hope they see every photo I’ve ever posted on social media. There’s a strange thing about life these days, when we die, no one is fighting over a photo album. They can look at mom’s Instagram, isn’t that odd?

Why would I want my kids to read my blog?
– sometimes I talk about them and I want them to know how proud I am of them
– I want them to know about things on a deeper level, once they are old enough and ready
– to see what hard work and commitment can accomplish
– so they can know me better
– to start a dialogue
– I may change my perspective as my life progresses, I may learn and evolve; I want them to see that is okay. What’s important is that we are always growing as people
– maybe I’m a little narcissistic, or just proud of it

I don’t know what my kids will be when they grow up but I know they love art. I personally wish I had continued my passion with art as a hobby instead of taking a 15 year break. Art is a skill that I wish I had more of. Now I’m not saying that I will FORCE my kids to continue with art. I will say that I plan to encourage and motivate them, especially when they are teenagers. Right now it’s easy, they love art. They draw, colour and paint everyday. Even if they don’t go into art and don’t want a side hustle, creating is so fulfilling. It can give you such a sense of pride and accomplishment. It can be therapeutic.

I find art fun, but I struggle since I haven’t been doing it my whole life. I find writing more therapeutic. It isn’t about being the best writer, I’m definitely not. It’s about panging on the keys, releasing of my raw emotions, the processing of events passed that still bother me, and the reminiscing of the good memories.

Do you have a craft you are proud of? What is your legacy?

We Are All Tired

I’m at the gym, relaxing in a massage chair, waiting for my iced coffee to kick in. Admittedly, not the most strenuous of workouts so far, but I do pay for gym daycare. Having some me time is lovely in this moment.

On Fridays I have my son home all day, I do the school routine with my daughter. At dinner time I head to work and am there til 11 at night. Saturdays I’ll usually work 8 hours and do some cleaning. Sundays my kids have sports and then I go to work. Bed early on Sunday because I’ll work at 6 or 7 am on Monday. This is my weekend routine, every weekend.

During the week I mostly hang out with my kids, do art and homework. I try to keep up on the daily cleaning but I honestly hate cleaning. Of course, when there is five minutes of tidiness, it feels amazing. My son is king of trashing the joint. On Wednesdays, my grandma will come watch my son. I’ll walk my daughter to school, walk to work, work, walk to her school, then walk home. I get a lovely 15 minute break at lunch time that I cherish. I’m usually starving by the time I get home, so now all my jackets have granola bars in the pockets.

In September, I hope to work more since my son is in school. Because I work shorter shifts, I’ve been scheduled for six days a week before. My grandma is only up to watching my son two days a week right now and I do want to spend as much time with him as I can. If I wasn’t so deep in debt, I would only be working weekends. Those Monday and Wednesday shifts really add up.

Am I burnt out? Sometimes it feels that way. The grind of cleaning my house gets to me. It feels like it is always time to deep clean something. I really can’t let the house go because my grandma watches the kids at my house, which is probably a blessing. I’m hoping that once my son gets a little older, he will be less messy (he’s three right now). My daughter is six and she’s pretty clean. At the very least, he will be in school all day so he will have less time to get into things!

So, a little burnt out, but incredibly grateful. Grateful to have two AMAZING kids. Grateful to have my grandma’s help. Grateful to have a job, especially one that works around my schedule. Grateful I don’t have to pay for before/after school daycare.

Why did I even bother writing this? Partly, I’m venting. I’m tired. I’m trying to do better all the time. However, I want to give empathy to those other single parents, working parents, tired parents, parents of messy kids, those thinking of becoming single parents, those considering going back to work, those who need to take some me time. You are not alone. We are all grinding away. We are all doing the best we can.

Hey, look at that! My coffee kicked in! Time to actually work out! (Haha) I better go do that.

Single Motherhood

It’s possible that I am a better mother now that I’m separated. I definitely do more cleaning than I have ever in my life. Well, maybe I am not a better mother, just a better housekeeper lol. I feel on top of things. I also feel a little tired.

I’m more frustrated than ever with my son’s speech issues. Not because I am particularly worried about it, but because all of a sudden a family member is pushing me to put him back in speech. In reality, I feel a little interrogated by her all around. This was a huge problem last year and was one of the things that really pushed me to lose my temper. For a long while she was complaining that my kids’ room was messy. I feel that, it’s not my room or my toys to clean up. After Christmas though, I did cave and cleaned their room. I put away all their new toys and reorganized it. They don’t usually play in there so it has thankfully stayed clean. I made a TikTok so I got something out of it. My daughter thought it was hilarious that I cleaned up her mess.

I was asked where I had time to date. Not in a ‘oh shucks, you are busy’ way. It was the snarliest way. Well Carol, I don’t have the kids all weekend and I’m done work at 4. Jesus Christ. How dare I date after separating from my husband? There’s nothing much to say about it besides that I have been on dates. When there is something to report I’ll let you know. Still, it is nice to be getting out of the house, and have some grown up conversation.

I’m not going to say my husband was awkward, because I can’t say with any certainty that he actually had a problem with this, however, now we have playdates. There was just something about having people over when he got home from work that I wasn’t comfortable with. Maybe it was me. Now we have a standing playdate every week with my daughter’s friends. They come over and I make dinner for everyone. I am loving more of that grown up conversation.

I mentioned that my son had speech issues; well, he actually is going for a hearing test next month. I just hope we get a conclusive answer either way. I know that he can hear pretty well because he does follow directions. It’s just that he was a sick baby and ended up being so congested all the time that he needed ear tubes. He talks minimally and a little funny at times (it is very cute though!). Look, I’m not against speech therapy. It’s just that we did it for over a year and it is very frustrating. I still try to implement lots of the strategies and he does seem to be speaking a few new words a week.

Not to be paranoid, but being single is making me a little edgy. I feel judged. I feel judged and watched by my family. I feel like I HAVE to keep the apartment extra clean. I feel like certain people are trying to control the situation by deciding what gifts go to whose house and visiting the kids at both our places in the same week. It makes me really uncomfortable. I am trying very hard to not show the edginess to my children. We spend extra time cuddling, playing and reading. I’m still trying to limit the amount of TV they watch, although my daughter is a little con artist lol. We do a ton of art together. That’s all I got for now. Any single parents reading this?