I feel like my apartment had a torrential rainfall inside of it. It is a disaster. I suppose, the lucky thing is, the kids are at their dad’s for a few days. I miss them already, but as I prepare to paint the living room, it is nice to have some alone time to do it.

I am moving things around as I fix the walls, filling holes from what seams like a past life. We have rearranged the living room a few times. We had a house phone on the wall at some point, just for the buzzer. Now it is linked to my cell phone. My ex-husband’s diploma hung prominently, now it is gone. Family picture collage frames used to hang. It was too painful to look at them after we broke up. Now I have completely different idea for photos. New area, new frames.

I feel like I have been erasing my ex since the day he moved out. I packed up all his stuff for him. I gave him the bed and bought a completely different one. I kept my TV but he has his TV stand. I kept the wine cabinet. That, he was so excited when we bought it. I now do my resin art in it and it has a shelf full of girly, floral, bone china. Something he didn’t want, in patterns he would never allow.

I am constantly terrified about getting evicted or getting fired. I haven’t done anything to deserve those things to happen, however, I still live in fear. Painting is just triggering me more. I love this apartment. I am getting more attached to it the more I make it “mine”. I could survive the evicted part, but it would suck. Prices for apartments have gone up so much! It would be a few hundred more a month plus at least hydro. My job, my now full time job, works around my availability so well. I don’t have to get babysitters at all when the kids are in school. Not even an afterschool program.

It is crazy to me that I have lived in this apartment for over 7 years and had my job for almost 2. I am waiting for the ball to drop. I felt more secure when I was married; when I had a partner with their own income taking care of things. The biggest thing that I think sparked this ridiculous anxiety is the fact that they wanted to evict us! They said my daughter was too loud. They accused us of letting her run around at 3 am, when, in fact, we were all asleep. This was a few years ago but I can’t shake it. My children have their loud moments but now that they are in school all day, I do feel a bit better.

I must go now. I must do some dishes, sew some masks, and get some sleep! Night my lovely readers.

Carless & In An Apartment

I’m going to say something kind of crazy. I’m going to let my driver’s licence expire. I also, don’t want a house. I get into arguments with family and friends about this all the time. I have savings goals and I once, out loud, pondered what I should do with my money. The response? Down payment for a house! Umm no, I’m never moving. Well, maybe I’ll move if I meet someone incredible who really wants me to move in with them. However, I am not moving just because I have more money or a better job.

The idea of moving is very overwhelming to me. I just bought paint last week to paint my kitchen and living room. Totally forgot to buy paint for the trim though! The reason I decided to paint now after 7 years of living in this apartment is timing, and I plan on staying here for at least 10 more years. Timing, because kids just began school and they are spending more time with their dad. We share custody pretty much 50/50. I was able to book off a few days of work for mid October so I shall dig into the painting then! My apartment has silly rules about approved colours, which I have never looked at. I painted the bedrooms bright colours, which I am sure were not approved. There is a fee when you move, which I will probably just pay over repainting. IF I move that is. Maybe I will retire here.

The colour I picked for the living room is yellow and for the kitchen, green. In the kitchen I am debating taking the cupboard doors off, which I am sure I will be charged for! My opinion is that if I am going to be here for years and years, I would rather be happy as a clam and pay for repairs later! Last year, I took two sets of closet doors off and I am sooo happy I did that.

I quickly mentioned that moving would be overwhelming. It would be. If I moved now, it would just be too much work for me to move alone. My Le Creuset collection alone gives me anxiety. As durable as cast iron is, I am terrified something would happen in transport. I am slightly nervous just moving it to paint the dining room. I am a bit ridiculous that way, always over worrying. That is, in fact, one reason I hate driving and don’t want a house. I have lived paycheck to paycheck before and I feel like those two things are a financial burden. To me at least. I totally understand the argument for buying a house, hoping it increases in value, then you are set for retirement. If you sell your home when you retire, I feel like, one, that is sad, and two, I wonder how much renting or a small condo will be in 40 years.

The car thing. Well, I am walking distance to work. It takes me 35-40 minutes each way. I could take the bus if I wanted to but on days I really want to the bus is unreliable. Winter gives me anxiety, walking in a blizzard. I swear I have less anxiety when I am actually doing it, than when September hits and I say “winter is coming”. I think of all the money I save not buying a car. The car itself, insurance, repairs, gas. This is the money I now have to save for my children’s university fund. This is money I can use to save for retirement. This is money I can use to invest more into my businesses.

Any renters here? Anyone carless? Let me know I’m not alone.