Expectations VS Reality.

Last night I stayed up for three hours cutting pieces of fabric to make masks. In all fairness, I was also texting. I got the front and back for about 25 masks cut out. I still have to cut out the middle pieces, plus, do all the ironing and sewing. I have a few friends who want them and I am happy to make them. I’m a bit tired and a bit behind on housework, but it is good for me. I’m not the world’s best sewing expert. I’m still learning and I am getting some really great practice in!

I got my sewing machine when my six year old daughter Ellie was a baby. I couldn’t afford it but I usually get birthday money from my family, and then, in laws. I currently have mixed feelings about the fact that they helped buy it. It’s the only thing left in the house that I can remember them buying us. Actually, the baby stroller. The baby stroller was given to us by my in laws during our first baby shower.

Now it’s bugging me a little. It really shouldn’t but it does. There are just so many hard feelings between us. I am grateful for everything that they have done for my kids and our family. At one point that was a lot. I don’t like acknowledging that I needed them. Admitting that we didn’t have the money for a stroller or sewing machine. That is just me being a Leo and prideful though.

Why did I even want a sewing machine? I had this vision of being the “perfect housewife”. You know, baking for the family, a clean house and sewing dresses for my daughter. In the end it felt impractical. You can buy so many dresses for reasonable prices. I didn’t think sewing to be SO expensive. I didn’t expect to need SO much practice. I thought I would have had more time. I believed I would be better at it, sooner.

Even though I am now separated, and I have a little less patience than I want with my kids, I still have this vision of how I want to be. I am learning. I am growing closer everyday. As my kids get older, well, there are pros and cons to them getting older. Now, they get into everything but one day they will both be at school all day. Maybe I never made my daughter a dress, but I did make an outfit for her doll, which she cherishes. Maybe I’ll be the grandma who bakes and sews for everyone.

Do you have any hobbies?? What did you envision for yourself??

Two Kids or To Three Kids

Someone asked me last night if I wanted more kids. I giggled and said maybe. The truth is I’m really good either way. My kids are so perfect. I just miss having a cute, cuddly, breastfeeding baby. Babies grow up though and I will once again long for it. I’m sure when my kids are teenagers, I’ll miss the way they are right now. Every moment seems fleeting. The truth is, I never really expected someone to look at me with my two kids and be open to possibly, one day, maybe, having a baby with me. I was caught off guard. If it is the right decision is a completely different story, but right now I’m in my emotions. The smile I got when I said I would be open to getting married again to the right person. I guess it is just what I needed in the moment. I needed someone to look at me like that. I needed to feel validated. I needed to feel like maybe there is hope for the future. Maybe I will be with someone if I choose. That being said, I’m still completely on the fence about if I want to live with someone while my kids are still living with me. Definitely, yes, after they move out. Before? It would take someone really, really special. Obviously, if I wait twenty years I’m definitely not having more kids. In financial practically, its impractical to hope for it. Did that make sense? Basically, I was made to feel really good about myself and my future. I’m not going to pretend I have a crystal ball. I’m going to try to be less cynical about my future and see what comes my way. Until then, I love my kids, I love my job and I love the life I have. It’s totally okay if nothing changes.

A Wiggly Tooth

My daughter had her first loose tooth tonight. The happiness I expected for this moment hasn’t come yet. Honestly, I’m kind of sad. Her teeth are so nice and adorable. I’m sure once her adult tooth comes in I will yearn for her little baby tooth gap.

Having children seems to be an exercise of letting go of fleeting moments. Every time I get attached to something, it changes, life happens. I’m done having babies. I will never fully experience the baby stage again, however, I might have grandchildren. Those moments will be so precious, but just as much as fleeting.

I don’t mean to be morose. It isn’t necessary a bad thing. The hard times pass too. I’m just saying, if you have babies, kids, or loved ones, hold them. Moments pass like the night. They might come back but the moon shifts. Shadows wax and wane. You don’t always know what you are going to get next.

With that, I shall say goodnight. Hopefully my word filled expression cures my insomnia. Thank you for sharing this milestone with me.