How’d May Go?

Guysssss I’m finally getting my house in ORDER. It’s slow but it is coming along. This week I packed up 10 garbage bags full of stuff. I think there were like 3 just of kids old artwork!! (I kept a couple special pieces). The thing is, I live in a two bedroom apartment. With two kids. We all have a lot of stuff! I’m really particular on what I let myself have in my apartment, so I haven’t had to get rid of any of my stuff. I did do a movie and book purge a few months ago too. It was nice to get rid of the baby toys.

On that note, I’m 100% decided that I am not having any more kids and I am okay with it. I think I’m honestly more of a teenager & baby person. This adorable, yet messy kid phase is pulling at me. Like seriously. The talk back from my 6 year old daughter is insane. We fight, but we love each other a lot. It was just simpler when they were babies. Want a cuddle? Want a boob? Want a nap? Here’s a chew toy. So simple. So cuddly.

According to our Snap streak, I’m on day 42 talking to my man friend. Interested what day we get to lol or if we get mad at each other and ruin our streak. (haha) I’m not talking to any other guys anymore, besides my platonic friends. Snap streaks, future standard of romantic relationships? I hope so! I never really got into Snapchat before him, but it is actually really adorable and fun. I was super mad about the UFC thing (see last post) but he made it up to me. I’m happy that I moved on.

Work is going really well. Been busy. I have gotten to work in my primary department all month long. I’ve sewn some masks for friends at work. I still have 25 masks to make. I don’t know if I will actually be able to sew masks to donate because I had already accepted so many orders before they asked. I feel really behind. I haven’t really sewn much in the last two weeks because I have been cleaning and in need of some down time. Today, right after this, I’m going to get started on cutting out a bunch of fabric and putting elastics in. I am so glad I stocked up on fabric when I did because Walmart has been DRY for weeks!

Hope all is well for you guys!!

We Are All Tired

I’m at the gym, relaxing in a massage chair, waiting for my iced coffee to kick in. Admittedly, not the most strenuous of workouts so far, but I do pay for gym daycare. Having some me time is lovely in this moment.

On Fridays I have my son home all day, I do the school routine with my daughter. At dinner time I head to work and am there til 11 at night. Saturdays I’ll usually work 8 hours and do some cleaning. Sundays my kids have sports and then I go to work. Bed early on Sunday because I’ll work at 6 or 7 am on Monday. This is my weekend routine, every weekend.

During the week I mostly hang out with my kids, do art and homework. I try to keep up on the daily cleaning but I honestly hate cleaning. Of course, when there is five minutes of tidiness, it feels amazing. My son is king of trashing the joint. On Wednesdays, my grandma will come watch my son. I’ll walk my daughter to school, walk to work, work, walk to her school, then walk home. I get a lovely 15 minute break at lunch time that I cherish. I’m usually starving by the time I get home, so now all my jackets have granola bars in the pockets.

In September, I hope to work more since my son is in school. Because I work shorter shifts, I’ve been scheduled for six days a week before. My grandma is only up to watching my son two days a week right now and I do want to spend as much time with him as I can. If I wasn’t so deep in debt, I would only be working weekends. Those Monday and Wednesday shifts really add up.

Am I burnt out? Sometimes it feels that way. The grind of cleaning my house gets to me. It feels like it is always time to deep clean something. I really can’t let the house go because my grandma watches the kids at my house, which is probably a blessing. I’m hoping that once my son gets a little older, he will be less messy (he’s three right now). My daughter is six and she’s pretty clean. At the very least, he will be in school all day so he will have less time to get into things!

So, a little burnt out, but incredibly grateful. Grateful to have two AMAZING kids. Grateful to have my grandma’s help. Grateful to have a job, especially one that works around my schedule. Grateful I don’t have to pay for before/after school daycare.

Why did I even bother writing this? Partly, I’m venting. I’m tired. I’m trying to do better all the time. However, I want to give empathy to those other single parents, working parents, tired parents, parents of messy kids, those thinking of becoming single parents, those considering going back to work, those who need to take some me time. You are not alone. We are all grinding away. We are all doing the best we can.

Hey, look at that! My coffee kicked in! Time to actually work out! (Haha) I better go do that.

Finding the Balance

My kids have been sick for two weeks. It was the first flu I had to deal with as a single mother. I got through it. There was lots of vomiting in buckets and fevers, but we survived. I washed all the pillows and bedding in the house. I’m working on sanitizing everything. I’m vaguely surprised I got through it alone. It definitely was harder than it was when my husband lived here.

I spent the weekend thinking of the trade-off. Thinking about this flu and how now I have to walk to work all winter. We used to share a car but it was his. So when it’s blizzarding and I’m walking to work I’m thinking “well, this is my life now”. Unless I get a different or second job I’ll never be able to afford my apartment and a car. Once my kids turn eighteen I’ll probably need a second job to just pay for my apartment and food. That really isn’t a bad idea because I need to save for retirement. Of course, I could get a job that pays more, however, it may not be within walking distance and I may need a car.

This is how my brain runs lately. Thinking about how I am going to afford life. Thinking about how we will have a decent life and balance our budget. I think about spoiling my kids with art supplies and how everyday we have the best time. Every time we do that, it takes away from their RESPs. Then I think about the balance. I think about how I can work more when they are older and worry about that then. There is the fact that they could get a loan and pay for it themselves. I do want to help them as much as I can, comfortably. I guess the truth is, I’m not ready to completely sacrifice, never eat out, stop buying stamps, and not go to the movies to pay for their University. I’m trying to find the balance. I’m trying to take care of everything and get used to this single mom life. It’s going better than I expected.

Apparently, I’m Bipolar

I got diagnosed in 2018. Jesus, can’t believe it’s been a year and a half. I honestly don’t know if I actually have it because I was previously diagnosed with PTSD which this Dr. is ignoring. Now, when I was first diagnosed I went on this huge rampage about everyone being diagnosed with bipolar. When I was in the hospital I met someone from the military with PTSD, a marathon runner, and a sex worker with an eating disorder who all were getting diagnosed that weekend. I was full of a lot of rage.

I got diagnosed for two reasons. One was “excessive anger” and the second was because that is what my mom is diagnosed with. Also, my age I think was a factor. I will say this though, irritability is a PTSD symptom. I asked over and over again for a proper PTSD evaluation and I never received one. The Dr. who diagnosed me with PTSD when I was 18 was very good and I spent 6 weeks with him Monday to Friday in an outpatient program. Needless to say, I feel like he got to know me a lot better than the Dr. who diagnosed me with bipolar.

I admit that when I was diagnosed I really wasn’t acting like myself. I had snapped a little. The beast had taken over. You ever feel so repressed and then you just let it all out? That was me. I was separated and I felt super bullied. Honestly, I have felt bullied my whole life. I went for a walk to calm down and I ended up walking for 24 hours, with the exception of a couple breaks.

I’m on medication still, for the bipolar. I looked it up and it said it could be used to treat PTSD also, so I feel like maybe it doesn’t matter what the Dr. calls it. I know I have some serious repressed rage. Like serious. I know that when I snap everyone thinks I’m a psycho. I know that because I have children I can’t ever let that happen again, not that it ever came out around my children. It’s just that me being able to have my children depends on me being stable and civil towards the other adults. I know that being a mother with a mental illness, whatever it is, means that I need to take extra good care of myself including sleeping and eating on a regular schedule. I am on the defence. People are watching me. No, that is not a paranoia talking. Seriously, people keep fucking asking me about my meds like it is any of their business. I may never be left alone for my entire life. I’m not really okay with that, however, I don’t know what to do about it.

A Wiggly Tooth

My daughter had her first loose tooth tonight. The happiness I expected for this moment hasn’t come yet. Honestly, I’m kind of sad. Her teeth are so nice and adorable. I’m sure once her adult tooth comes in I will yearn for her little baby tooth gap.

Having children seems to be an exercise of letting go of fleeting moments. Every time I get attached to something, it changes, life happens. I’m done having babies. I will never fully experience the baby stage again, however, I might have grandchildren. Those moments will be so precious, but just as much as fleeting.

I don’t mean to be morose. It isn’t necessary a bad thing. The hard times pass too. I’m just saying, if you have babies, kids, or loved ones, hold them. Moments pass like the night. They might come back but the moon shifts. Shadows wax and wane. You don’t always know what you are going to get next.

With that, I shall say goodnight. Hopefully my word filled expression cures my insomnia. Thank you for sharing this milestone with me.