On Starting Over

I call it my phoenix rising; those times in my life when I burn everything to the ground and build a new. There are always consequences to this drama but sometimes I just snap. Most people around me hear at least one pent up grievance . It feels like I can’t hold anything in any longer. Sometimes I’m extra dramatic. Last year I snapped. I let people get to me. I felt bullied. I felt like it was time to stand up for myself. I hear the song Way Too Far by Korn on repeat. I took things too far. I got too angry.

In this blog I want to be real. Yes, I want to talk about the joys of parenting, however, I want to relate the human side of me. Instagram just shows cute cards, colourful lipstick, and adorable little humans. It’s real but it’s not everything. Sometimes I wish there wasn’t more to say. Sometimes I’m embarrassed by my hot headedness. It has definitely gotten me in trouble from time to time. My father once described someone as “great with children, bad with adults”. This was me. My kids could destroy the place without me blinking but I was extra prickly with the rest of my family.

As much as I wish things could have been different and that I didn’t look so insane, I think of those times as growing pains. In fact, what came of it was great growth. My husband and I are in a place that is better than ever. I hear myself saying “I wish last year never happened but I don’t know how we could have gotten where we are otherwise”. There are people who were in my life who are no longer. I went through a grieving period but now I see the good in it.

The people I lost had issues with me for years. I’ve known since high school that people either really love me or really hate me. I have one of those big personalities that are sometimes grating. I can get over hyper at times, or you could say, I am creative, imaginative and inspired. Love me or hate me, it is what it is. I will probably blow up every few years. I may even act crazy. If you love me you will accept it.

So now I have been starting over from scratch. I redid all my social media. That was kind of depressing, but it is coming along now. As much as I regret giving up social media during the shit storm last year, I think I am doing a better job now. I’m learning and growing. I’m only in the beginning phases of where I want to be, but that’s okay, because I see it coming along. If it doesn’t workout, well, I’ll start over.

Although I will always have many regrets, I wouldn’t be where I am without it. Where am I that is so glamourous that I can accept all my missteps? I have an amazing husband who just keeps getting better somehow. I have two super great kids who used to be sick with FPIES but who are healthy now. I have a good part time job that I could actually see myself doing for a long time. I have a beautiful apartment I may never want to move out of. I get to do crafts and art with my kids for hours a day in a beautiful corner of said apartment. Life is good.

I know that at some point things will change. I may have another phoenix moment. I may lose my temper and go way too far again, but I’m working on it. I’m working on just being happy and grateful. I am learning to accept the past and move on. I am becoming a better human every year.

Have you started over? What did you learn from it?