How’d May Go?

Guysssss I’m finally getting my house in ORDER. It’s slow but it is coming along. This week I packed up 10 garbage bags full of stuff. I think there were like 3 just of kids old artwork!! (I kept a couple special pieces). The thing is, I live in a two bedroom apartment. With two kids. We all have a lot of stuff! I’m really particular on what I let myself have in my apartment, so I haven’t had to get rid of any of my stuff. I did do a movie and book purge a few months ago too. It was nice to get rid of the baby toys.

On that note, I’m 100% decided that I am not having any more kids and I am okay with it. I think I’m honestly more of a teenager & baby person. This adorable, yet messy kid phase is pulling at me. Like seriously. The talk back from my 6 year old daughter is insane. We fight, but we love each other a lot. It was just simpler when they were babies. Want a cuddle? Want a boob? Want a nap? Here’s a chew toy. So simple. So cuddly.

According to our Snap streak, I’m on day 42 talking to my man friend. Interested what day we get to lol or if we get mad at each other and ruin our streak. (haha) I’m not talking to any other guys anymore, besides my platonic friends. Snap streaks, future standard of romantic relationships? I hope so! I never really got into Snapchat before him, but it is actually really adorable and fun. I was super mad about the UFC thing (see last post) but he made it up to me. I’m happy that I moved on.

Work is going really well. Been busy. I have gotten to work in my primary department all month long. I’ve sewn some masks for friends at work. I still have 25 masks to make. I don’t know if I will actually be able to sew masks to donate because I had already accepted so many orders before they asked. I feel really behind. I haven’t really sewn much in the last two weeks because I have been cleaning and in need of some down time. Today, right after this, I’m going to get started on cutting out a bunch of fabric and putting elastics in. I am so glad I stocked up on fabric when I did because Walmart has been DRY for weeks!

Hope all is well for you guys!!

Feeling Flirty These Days

I’ve escalated to Red Bull. Actually, I do have some good news. After a slew of “I should be cleaning” posts, on Friday night, I cleaned the living room and my bedroom! Took hours because it was like a weeks worth of toys in the living room. Alas, it is, Tuesday and it has been trashed again.

About a month ago my son learned to use the potty. As he was just learning, I rolled up the carpet. I was finally able to put it back down this past weekend. So even thought TODAY I have some cleaning to do, it is nice to have the carpet down. I am cleaning today I swear it, I swear it. I’m pretty sure everyone in my life is so tired me talking about cleaning or being overwhelmed by my kid’s messes. Every time they ask what’s up, I say cleaning or avoiding cleaning.

If I am being completely honest, I’ve been doing a little bit more than not cleaning my house. I started a series on TikTok reading the funniest tinder messages I get. In the process of making this series, I did end up talking to a couple humans that are very nice and getting to know them. Dating during covid is not really an option but there have been a lot of silly Snapchat shenanigans.

Am I even ready to date after the separation in October? A question I ask myself.

The answer is, well, with covid and social distancing, what I have is perfect. I am dipping my toe in. I am actually a little flirty again for the first time in years. I am starting to trust again, a little bit. There may be someone with the potential to be special to me but its so early, there’s no way of knowing. But it gives me hope. Hope that, one day, I will be able to open up again.

I will not say, one day I will be happy, because I am happy now. In this moment, in the week, I’m full of wonder and amazement. Maybe, just maybe, it doesn’t matter how things will work out with this one. I know that eventually I will meet the one. What matters to me, is that, I surround myself with people who expand my heart and soul. That I heal from past relationships. That any relationship I enter into, or maintain, friendly or romantic, helps me grow into a better person. I never want to feel held back or repressed again.

If I am being even more honest, I did see someone for about four months starting right after the separation. It was alright. We cared about each other in a respect way. It stayed pretty casual though and I never fell in love. The more time went on, the more things naturally faded. Our breakup was mutual, like dandelion fluff gently being floated away in the wind, without resistance. Even though that ended, I treasure it, because when we were together on a date, it was very nice. It was a good stepping stone to where I am now. We respected each other’s standards and emotions. Sometimes it’s just not there, just not right, and that is okay.

Scallops Anyone??

I’m done. I’m a cooked potato. I’m pretty tired. How’s your quarantine going?

I wouldn’t say I was lonely, because I’ve had lots of social interaction. I talk regularly with my friends on the phone and on FaceTime. Text them in between our chats. I am also still working. Maybe I’m overstimulated. Maybe I need a cuddle. I’m almost at the point where I take a deep breath when my phone lights up. Can I just have an uninterrupted hour to clean the kitchen?

In reality, I obviously know I could turn my phone off, or just put it in another room and I can take all the time I want and need.

Last weekend I had Friday night and all day Sunday off. Friday I had some drinks with a best friend of mine over FaceTime. I had done a little bit of cleaning beforehand but then I ended up setting up my sewing machine on the clean table. Which brings me to Sunday, in which I spent the entire day sewing masks. I made 8 masks, which is the most I could do because I didn’t have more elastics. I kept three for myself, gave one to my drinking buddy and gave four to the 72 year old I share an office with.

The masks have been a huge hit at work. I’ve gotten lots of complements on them and so far I’ve only made plain ones. I’ve had a couple people ask me to make masks for them and I have started prepping them. I think my problem is I keep taking on projects!! First I was just making cards, then I was selling makeup, then I was learning to paint, learning to draw and now sewing masks. All on top of working, cooking, blogging, making TikToks and having two kids at home.

You could say single mom life problems, artist problems, single problems, parent problems, human problems, first world problems, ambitious person problems, etc.. Basically, I’ve done it to myself. I want to do so much. I probably would get so much more done if I didn’t have so much social interaction.

I do find it kind of silly to complain about my phone blowing up when I honestly start most of the conversations. The problem is, 45 minutes in, I’m having a great time, I’m just realizing all the chores I have an projects I haven’t worked on. Even this blog post is a day late. Does that really matter? Probably not. A day is just a day. But I feel bad. I made a commitment. I’ve broken my word. I feel like I’ve broken a million promises to myself and it hurts. A lot. At the end of the day though, I’ll never ever be able to get back snuggle time with my kids, but I can do arts and crafts later in life a lot more. If I pass up communicating with my friends so much, we won’t have these amazing relationships that I have.

I guess I just needed to vent. I needed you, my blogverse. I needed another full circle, pointless chat with myself. I know if I was talking to my friends about this they would say that you can only get so much done in a day and that is okay. Maybe I just wanted you to hear it too. If you are overwhelmed, especially in this quarantine. That’s okay. I am too. Let’s take it one day at a time together. If you are bored and alone, don’t be afraid to be the one to reach out to your family and friends. I also, highly suggest a hobby. One thing I am definitely not is bored!

Should Be Cleaning…

I should be cleaning right now. I think that all the time. I hadn’t made cards in weeks and even as I made one today I felt like I should be cleaning. There is so much that I want to do but I feel like I don’t have the time. I made a commitment to blog twice a week for the rest of the year, and I’m sticking to that. Cleaning be damned!

I am thankfully still working 31 hours a week which is my max with my availability. Since I work in a grocery store, and there is all this Covid craziness, my managers want me to work more. I don’t have more childcare as of now, so I said no. Schools are closed. Daycares are closed. I know of one daycare that is open but it would cost me as much as I make to send both kids. My ex and I don’t want the kids going to daycare right now anyways until the schools reopen and it’s safer.

I’m taking the next hour for me. I am determined to have some creative time. I need it. I have so much stuff on my to do list, writing out my to do list is on it. Fuck, I’m tired.

Hope everyone is hanging in there! Are you still working? Any projects on the go?

What Is Your Legacy?

Part of me doesn’t care if anyone reads this blog. Part of me hopes no one in my family does, but I hope my children do when they are late teenagers. I hope they read everything I’ve written. I hope they see every photo I’ve ever posted on social media. There’s a strange thing about life these days, when we die, no one is fighting over a photo album. They can look at mom’s Instagram, isn’t that odd?

Why would I want my kids to read my blog?
– sometimes I talk about them and I want them to know how proud I am of them
– I want them to know about things on a deeper level, once they are old enough and ready
– to see what hard work and commitment can accomplish
– so they can know me better
– to start a dialogue
– I may change my perspective as my life progresses, I may learn and evolve; I want them to see that is okay. What’s important is that we are always growing as people
– maybe I’m a little narcissistic, or just proud of it

I don’t know what my kids will be when they grow up but I know they love art. I personally wish I had continued my passion with art as a hobby instead of taking a 15 year break. Art is a skill that I wish I had more of. Now I’m not saying that I will FORCE my kids to continue with art. I will say that I plan to encourage and motivate them, especially when they are teenagers. Right now it’s easy, they love art. They draw, colour and paint everyday. Even if they don’t go into art and don’t want a side hustle, creating is so fulfilling. It can give you such a sense of pride and accomplishment. It can be therapeutic.

I find art fun, but I struggle since I haven’t been doing it my whole life. I find writing more therapeutic. It isn’t about being the best writer, I’m definitely not. It’s about panging on the keys, releasing of my raw emotions, the processing of events passed that still bother me, and the reminiscing of the good memories.

Do you have a craft you are proud of? What is your legacy?

We Are All Tired

I’m at the gym, relaxing in a massage chair, waiting for my iced coffee to kick in. Admittedly, not the most strenuous of workouts so far, but I do pay for gym daycare. Having some me time is lovely in this moment.

On Fridays I have my son home all day, I do the school routine with my daughter. At dinner time I head to work and am there til 11 at night. Saturdays I’ll usually work 8 hours and do some cleaning. Sundays my kids have sports and then I go to work. Bed early on Sunday because I’ll work at 6 or 7 am on Monday. This is my weekend routine, every weekend.

During the week I mostly hang out with my kids, do art and homework. I try to keep up on the daily cleaning but I honestly hate cleaning. Of course, when there is five minutes of tidiness, it feels amazing. My son is king of trashing the joint. On Wednesdays, my grandma will come watch my son. I’ll walk my daughter to school, walk to work, work, walk to her school, then walk home. I get a lovely 15 minute break at lunch time that I cherish. I’m usually starving by the time I get home, so now all my jackets have granola bars in the pockets.

In September, I hope to work more since my son is in school. Because I work shorter shifts, I’ve been scheduled for six days a week before. My grandma is only up to watching my son two days a week right now and I do want to spend as much time with him as I can. If I wasn’t so deep in debt, I would only be working weekends. Those Monday and Wednesday shifts really add up.

Am I burnt out? Sometimes it feels that way. The grind of cleaning my house gets to me. It feels like it is always time to deep clean something. I really can’t let the house go because my grandma watches the kids at my house, which is probably a blessing. I’m hoping that once my son gets a little older, he will be less messy (he’s three right now). My daughter is six and she’s pretty clean. At the very least, he will be in school all day so he will have less time to get into things!

So, a little burnt out, but incredibly grateful. Grateful to have two AMAZING kids. Grateful to have my grandma’s help. Grateful to have a job, especially one that works around my schedule. Grateful I don’t have to pay for before/after school daycare.

Why did I even bother writing this? Partly, I’m venting. I’m tired. I’m trying to do better all the time. However, I want to give empathy to those other single parents, working parents, tired parents, parents of messy kids, those thinking of becoming single parents, those considering going back to work, those who need to take some me time. You are not alone. We are all grinding away. We are all doing the best we can.

Hey, look at that! My coffee kicked in! Time to actually work out! (Haha) I better go do that.

Perfectionism

Every time I try to keep a diary, I end up throwing it out. The first time I did this blog, I deleted everything. I’m a perfectionist. I also get so passionate in the moment and later feel like I look insane. Some things were written when I was in a very emotional state. I was going through a separation from my husband and I had just got diagnosed bipolar. I have mixed feelings about just writing that. On one hand, I don’t want anyone to know that I have been diagnosed that. I am also a fully functional human being. I have a job and usually work full time hours. I am a single mom with shared custody of two amazing kids.

I hope to move up in my company one day. Then I get scared. Will they read my blog? Will they find out I’m bipolar? Will it matter? I really hope that in this day and age, it won’t matter. I hope that if I randomly post a couple conspiracy theories I am seen as fun and quirky, not crazy. Maybe just the fact that I have a blog will give hesitation to promoting me. I do try have a boundary between work and my blog. There is a bunch of tiktoks I would love to make about work, but I’m too scared of being fired. You never know. We are in a day and age where this technological world is still new. That is just my opinion on it.

I also live with anxiety, but if anything it makes me a better employee (also, just my opinion). I am meticulous with details and following up with things. I don’t let anything fall off the wayside. I am not trying to boast. I can find work extremely stressful because of my anxiety. I am the type of person who would buy my own planner and make little work to do lists for each day, write down important deadlines, and notes if I have to get back to someone with an answer to something. I am 100% more affected with anxiety than bipolar. Maybe it is the type of bipolar I have, or the fact that I am on medication for it. I could easily opt for anxiety medication but I am coping and I am a big believer in exposure therapy. I noticed the longer I am in my role, the more good days I have, and the more comfortable I am at work.

Recently, I learned how to ship out packages. Every time I do it, I have anxiety. I double check that the address is right and perfectly align the labels on the box. I feel like I am doing a good job but I still have a fear that the senior employee will correct me. He is always really nice about it, but I still worry about it. I actually worry more that he won’t look and a mistake will be missed. In reality, I know I am doing things properly and worst case scenario is it will probably come back to us. Not the end of the world. For me, living with anxiety means things feel like a much bigger deal than they are. I know that, like other parts of my job, one day I will be able to ship packages without any second thoughts, it’ll just take some practice.

Personally, at this point in my life, I would not apply for a promotion until I was as emotionally ready as possible. I am being strategic about it. I am learning as much as I can. I am now going into my third department and learning it from the bottom up. Is this a completely necessary step for someone who wants to be promoted? No, but I find it helpful. The last time I was a manager, I started as a greeter. I later moved to cashier, then to keyholder. I was comfortable with this because I knew exactly what was expected from each position. My company now is much larger so I probably won’t have a chance to learn EVERY department bottom to top, but every bit helps. Nothing will completely prepare me for being promoted. I expect to have anxiety for a while, but I also expect it to go away eventually.

The one thing I need to remind myself of: most people get nerves with new tasks and in new positions. Maybe, someone with anxiety may struggle more, but that doesn’t make it less natural. I’m going to be okay eventually, as I master the skills, things will become second nature.

What Should I Skimp On?

Sometimes I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. Is everything a waste of time? I work out, then I eat like crap. I work on gaining Instagram followers, then I ignore it for a week. I pay down my debt a bit, but then I buy a new storage system. I suppose an argument can be made that if I never tried I would be in a way worse position. Today’s ramblings are brought on by me doing my taxes, go me, expecting a refund, and then buying Warcraft III. My refund was more than the game but still. I could be better with money. I bought a whole book on do you really need it and there are a couple things I’m struggling with. Random video game, well, it is a favourite and I was going to buy it eventually. I did not want to wait years until my debt was paid off so whatever.

The other day I went on a date and the topic of Lululemon came up. He said something along the lines of “of course you like it, you are a girl”. Very funny, girls love Lululemon. Girls love being comfy and looking good. The thing is, I’ve seen people talk about different brands of yoga pants that are comparable and I didn’t really take the time to fully check them out. Note to self, look into cheaper options more seriously! I suppose it’s nothing a quick google search couldn’t fix. What I really like about them is the elastic waist. Regular yoga pants just fall down on me. Damn pear shape.

What about my shoes? I buy Nikes 99% of the time. Last pair I bought was these orthopedic Adidas. Hmm, maybe shoes isn’t something I want to skimp on, especially since I walk so much. One thing I can do is wear them longer. I used to replace my running shoes every six months. My mom would always buy me shoes for my birthday and Christmas. My ex wore his shoes until they were completely destroyed. Compromise, new shoes at first hole? In my closet I currently have four pairs of running shoes, the bottoms are all worn but their are no holes. If you know about shoes, advice in comments please. Of course I want to save money but then I worry I’ll get an injury for using old shoes.

What is the point of this blog? Just working through my feelings, working towards my goals of getting in shape and paying off my debt. Trying to figure things out one day at a time. I’m still deciding how much I want to sacrifice to get out of debt quickly, obviously not that much haha. Having you guys on the journey with me means a lot to me.

 

Diversifying

I had a win at work today. I did something I would have never done before. It actually took me two months to build up the courage. Last week I asked my boss if I could help in this other area of the store when she needs it. She told me she would have to talk to another manager and would let me know. I saw them yesterday and was curious what was said, but I didn’t have the nerve to “be pushy”. A couple of my friends said I should follow up today and finally, near the end of the day, in front of the comanager, I asked. My manager had completely forgotten about our conversation. The comanager said “Just double code her and she can be scheduled every week”. Within ten minutes my manager made it official!

The thing is, there was no job before I asked for it. The department had one full time employee who took care of everything. Occasionally, she would get some help but not regularly. I’ve been reading success at work books and they say you need to anticipate your bosses’ needs. I hoped for a shift or two extra, buy a new stamp set money. If this works out, I will be able to pay down much more debt and I will have more job security. So I say, go for your goals. Sometimes, things work out better than you could have hoped for.

It Never Occurred To Me Before

I wrote the other day about possibly having another kid, or not. I don’t know what the future holds and the most likely answer is that I am done having children. However, what is possible? Step children. I have the big elaborate tattoo sleeve planned for my two kids and it honestly just occurred to me, what if I have step children. Maybe I’m waiting until I’m 40 to get this tattoo! I just have so much life to live and so much uncertainty. I’m excited for it. I feel like my future is bright. For a while after the separation it felt like my life was over, but I’m moving past that. I think everything will be okay. At least, that is what I tell myself. Genuinely though, if I get married again, and I have stepchildren, I would want them to feel as loved as my kids. I’m just saying if the little kids are in my life for a decade or more, then they deserve to be part of my tattoo. In case you don’t know, I am planning on getting mutant animals and the sun signs of my kids. It’s all very symbolic so no matter what happened it would still look good. Maybe it will happen, maybe it won’t work out. Either way, I’m good. I have a vague idea of what I want in my tattoo. Maybe it isn’t complete for a reason. Will everything in my life being up in the air, I understand why my tattoo ideas are in flux. Okay, I’m rambling but I am getting more optimistic by the day.