What Is Your Legacy?

Part of me doesn’t care if anyone reads this blog. Part of me hopes no one in my family does, but I hope my children do when they are late teenagers. I hope they read everything I’ve written. I hope they see every photo I’ve ever posted on social media. There’s a strange thing about life these days, when we die, no one is fighting over a photo album. They can look at mom’s Instagram, isn’t that odd?

Why would I want my kids to read my blog?
– sometimes I talk about them and I want them to know how proud I am of them
– I want them to know about things on a deeper level, once they are old enough and ready
– to see what hard work and commitment can accomplish
– so they can know me better
– to start a dialogue
– I may change my perspective as my life progresses, I may learn and evolve; I want them to see that is okay. What’s important is that we are always growing as people
– maybe I’m a little narcissistic, or just proud of it

I don’t know what my kids will be when they grow up but I know they love art. I personally wish I had continued my passion with art as a hobby instead of taking a 15 year break. Art is a skill that I wish I had more of. Now I’m not saying that I will FORCE my kids to continue with art. I will say that I plan to encourage and motivate them, especially when they are teenagers. Right now it’s easy, they love art. They draw, colour and paint everyday. Even if they don’t go into art and don’t want a side hustle, creating is so fulfilling. It can give you such a sense of pride and accomplishment. It can be therapeutic.

I find art fun, but I struggle since I haven’t been doing it my whole life. I find writing more therapeutic. It isn’t about being the best writer, I’m definitely not. It’s about panging on the keys, releasing of my raw emotions, the processing of events passed that still bother me, and the reminiscing of the good memories.

Do you have a craft you are proud of? What is your legacy?

Perfectionism

Every time I try to keep a diary, I end up throwing it out. The first time I did this blog, I deleted everything. I’m a perfectionist. I also get so passionate in the moment and later feel like I look insane. Some things were written when I was in a very emotional state. I was going through a separation from my husband and I had just got diagnosed bipolar. I have mixed feelings about just writing that. On one hand, I don’t want anyone to know that I have been diagnosed that. I am also a fully functional human being. I have a job and usually work full time hours. I am a single mom with shared custody of two amazing kids.

I hope to move up in my company one day. Then I get scared. Will they read my blog? Will they find out I’m bipolar? Will it matter? I really hope that in this day and age, it won’t matter. I hope that if I randomly post a couple conspiracy theories I am seen as fun and quirky, not crazy. Maybe just the fact that I have a blog will give hesitation to promoting me. I do try have a boundary between work and my blog. There is a bunch of tiktoks I would love to make about work, but I’m too scared of being fired. You never know. We are in a day and age where this technological world is still new. That is just my opinion on it.

I also live with anxiety, but if anything it makes me a better employee (also, just my opinion). I am meticulous with details and following up with things. I don’t let anything fall off the wayside. I am not trying to boast. I can find work extremely stressful because of my anxiety. I am the type of person who would buy my own planner and make little work to do lists for each day, write down important deadlines, and notes if I have to get back to someone with an answer to something. I am 100% more affected with anxiety than bipolar. Maybe it is the type of bipolar I have, or the fact that I am on medication for it. I could easily opt for anxiety medication but I am coping and I am a big believer in exposure therapy. I noticed the longer I am in my role, the more good days I have, and the more comfortable I am at work.

Recently, I learned how to ship out packages. Every time I do it, I have anxiety. I double check that the address is right and perfectly align the labels on the box. I feel like I am doing a good job but I still have a fear that the senior employee will correct me. He is always really nice about it, but I still worry about it. I actually worry more that he won’t look and a mistake will be missed. In reality, I know I am doing things properly and worst case scenario is it will probably come back to us. Not the end of the world. For me, living with anxiety means things feel like a much bigger deal than they are. I know that, like other parts of my job, one day I will be able to ship packages without any second thoughts, it’ll just take some practice.

Personally, at this point in my life, I would not apply for a promotion until I was as emotionally ready as possible. I am being strategic about it. I am learning as much as I can. I am now going into my third department and learning it from the bottom up. Is this a completely necessary step for someone who wants to be promoted? No, but I find it helpful. The last time I was a manager, I started as a greeter. I later moved to cashier, then to keyholder. I was comfortable with this because I knew exactly what was expected from each position. My company now is much larger so I probably won’t have a chance to learn EVERY department bottom to top, but every bit helps. Nothing will completely prepare me for being promoted. I expect to have anxiety for a while, but I also expect it to go away eventually.

The one thing I need to remind myself of: most people get nerves with new tasks and in new positions. Maybe, someone with anxiety may struggle more, but that doesn’t make it less natural. I’m going to be okay eventually, as I master the skills, things will become second nature.

Dreaming of Patterned Paper

I don’t know if anything will ever come from my cardmaking. Of course, I hope it does. I hope, at least, all the good ones sell. I hope my cards are loved. I know some people sell cardmaking courses. I don’t know if I will ever do that. Maybe I should have a cardmaking blog instead of a personal blog. I want to do more YouTube videos of me making cards. Right now I have been more focused on TikTok, but it is limited to a minute video or less. I don’t really need to be successful financially at cardmaking, but that would be nice. I enjoy the community. I like growing my Instagram. I like the back and forth with other cardmakers. It is nice to get compliments on my cards from friends, friends of which may never buy because they like the Dollarama prices.

I have seen in the past year an improvement in my cards. I discovered alcohol inks and I love playing with them. I’ve made some really awesome vibrant backgrounds. I know that I have a specific style when I use alcohol inks to make backgrounds. Not that it is a laziness, well kind of, but I find that now I’m so comfortable with alcohol ink backgrounds that I’m hesitant to use other mediums. I want to get more into distress oxide in backgrounds. Even simple pattered paper might be fun. Sometimes when I’m not comfortable with something I push myself in that direction. Maybe I’ll attempted different types of cards with different mediums.

Do you craft? What is your favourite medium?

Art Costs Money

I was on the lovely TikTok today and there was a video talking about people wanting art for free and ‘exposure’ as payment. It made me think about what I have invested in the past year and it was quite a bit. Not only do the art supplies cost money, but things like Photoshop and Adobe are quite expensive. Even this blog and Microsoft Word are expenses I incurred this year. Maybe if I had known more about TikTok I wouldn’t have gotten stuff to make YouTube videos.

Honestly, I just wish I had done more with it so far. Halfway through my subscription and I have only made a handful of videos.  Same with this blog. Before I deleted all my posts and started fresh, I actually had quite a bit written on here. However, some of it was manic lunacy for which my ex and his family were greatly offended. I honestly have a bad tendency of throwing everything away and starting over. It is a habit developed from childhood when I was in school. If I wrote messy, no problem I could rewrite it. It didn’t matter if you kept last years’ homework.

Overwhelmed isn’t quite the word. I don’t FEEL overwhelmed. I feel clustered. I feel busy. I feel like I’ve slightly overextended and given up. I am trying to get in shape and been going to the gym. I have a huge list of books I want to read. I have multiple social media platforms I have been posting on. I have my son home with me all week and my homework to do with my daughter every night. I don’t have my kids on the weekend but I do work then. I want to blog and I want to make YouTube videos. I haven’t been doing those two things. I had a grand vision of doing that, of doing everything. Maybe I need a schedule. Maybe I need some inspiration. In September, my son will be starting school but that means I will be working more.

I’m so stressed. All of this is stressing me out. Why do it then? Well it is definitely not for fame because I doubt that I will ever be famous. I am building a brand though. Recovering a brand? I had a little bit of mom culty fame when my son was sick and a nursed him back to health. Unfortunately, when my husband and I got separated the first time I went a little dramatic and deleted all my social media. Like a phoenix, I shall rise I suppose. The main reason I am doing all this though? I LIKE IT! I like it a lot. I like making videos and crafting. I like blogging, even if it makes me look crazy. I like reading and working out. I like eating a little too much to be skinny, but I like working out. There is an element of ‘is this realistic? Is this worth it?’

At the end of the day, art, and all my projects, do in fact, cost money. Money I do not necessarily have because I am trying to pay off debt, if I am being honest. Every time I think of that though, I think YOLO. You only live once. My debt may take an extra month or two to pay off because I decided to YouTube. Is it worth it? Right now? No. However, if I do the videos I want by the end of the year, then yes, yes it is worth it to me.

What is your passion? What are you trying to achieve? What are you working on? Are you struggling like me?