Journaling Is Making Me Irritated

A few times in my life I have attempted to journal. Once my mother found it and lost her shit. Let’s just say, until I moved out, she read my mail. I didn’t ever try while I was married. I don’t know if it never occurred to me to try, or subconsciously I didn’t want to risk someone reading it.

Writing has always been important to me. It was a strength in school. I don’t feel as confident in my abilities these days after taking years off, same with art, however, I like it. I really regret taking YEARS off writing and art. What was I doing with my life? I was working retail. I was a mom. I was dealing with a super sick baby. I was running a direct sales business.

It is funny how life turns out though. The skills I NEED now are video, writing and art. Drawing is just not a skill I have at this point. I was starting to acquire it as a kid but then I stopped after grade 9. You may think your life is going in one direction then suddenly, you make a u-turn.

I started journalling last week, and let me tell you, it is not all joy and rainbows. It is bringing out my flaws. I see messy writing. I am so jealous of the people who can hand letter beautifully. That being said, I could probably do some boss lettering with an Ipad. This morning a made a to do list for today and tomorrow. Well, not only did I cross of 4 things and deemed them “unrealistic”, I also had to give myself two extra days. All that correcting and scribbling and making me want to throw out my journal and start over. Clearly I am still struggling with perfectionism. It is rare that what I do is good enough for me. I really want to work through this because it is no way to live. Even this article, I kind of hate it. I took a break from writing it, and now that I’m back, just no. I’m going to post it though because as silly as this issue seams, not having not nice lettering, it hits a nerve with me. It is a real, irritable, side of me.

The journaling is not all bad though. It has given me time to think. I have laughed at myself at times. It has also really inspired me. At one point I really wanted to write a book about FPIES, about my life and my kids struggles with it. I think EVENTUALLY I will put out that book and self publish. Until then, I have decided to blog about everything; one little story at a time. One day, when I have time, and enough material, I will take all my posts, tweak it, and turn it into a more cohesive book. Alright, that’s what I’ll do.

Redecorating

I feel like my apartment had a torrential rainfall inside of it. It is a disaster. I suppose, the lucky thing is, the kids are at their dad’s for a few days. I miss them already, but as I prepare to paint the living room, it is nice to have some alone time to do it.

I am moving things around as I fix the walls, filling holes from what seams like a past life. We have rearranged the living room a few times. We had a house phone on the wall at some point, just for the buzzer. Now it is linked to my cell phone. My ex-husband’s diploma hung prominently, now it is gone. Family picture collage frames used to hang. It was too painful to look at them after we broke up. Now I have completely different idea for photos. New area, new frames.

I feel like I have been erasing my ex since the day he moved out. I packed up all his stuff for him. I gave him the bed and bought a completely different one. I kept my TV but he has his TV stand. I kept the wine cabinet. That, he was so excited when we bought it. I now do my resin art in it and it has a shelf full of girly, floral, bone china. Something he didn’t want, in patterns he would never allow.

I am constantly terrified about getting evicted or getting fired. I haven’t done anything to deserve those things to happen, however, I still live in fear. Painting is just triggering me more. I love this apartment. I am getting more attached to it the more I make it “mine”. I could survive the evicted part, but it would suck. Prices for apartments have gone up so much! It would be a few hundred more a month plus at least hydro. My job, my now full time job, works around my availability so well. I don’t have to get babysitters at all when the kids are in school. Not even an afterschool program.

It is crazy to me that I have lived in this apartment for over 7 years and had my job for almost 2. I am waiting for the ball to drop. I felt more secure when I was married; when I had a partner with their own income taking care of things. The biggest thing that I think sparked this ridiculous anxiety is the fact that they wanted to evict us! They said my daughter was too loud. They accused us of letting her run around at 3 am, when, in fact, we were all asleep. This was a few years ago but I can’t shake it. My children have their loud moments but now that they are in school all day, I do feel a bit better.

I must go now. I must do some dishes, sew some masks, and get some sleep! Night my lovely readers.

Perfectionism

Every time I try to keep a diary, I end up throwing it out. The first time I did this blog, I deleted everything. I’m a perfectionist. I also get so passionate in the moment and later feel like I look insane. Some things were written when I was in a very emotional state. I was going through a separation from my husband and I had just got diagnosed bipolar. I have mixed feelings about just writing that. On one hand, I don’t want anyone to know that I have been diagnosed that. I am also a fully functional human being. I have a job and usually work full time hours. I am a single mom with shared custody of two amazing kids.

I hope to move up in my company one day. Then I get scared. Will they read my blog? Will they find out I’m bipolar? Will it matter? I really hope that in this day and age, it won’t matter. I hope that if I randomly post a couple conspiracy theories I am seen as fun and quirky, not crazy. Maybe just the fact that I have a blog will give hesitation to promoting me. I do try have a boundary between work and my blog. There is a bunch of tiktoks I would love to make about work, but I’m too scared of being fired. You never know. We are in a day and age where this technological world is still new. That is just my opinion on it.

I also live with anxiety, but if anything it makes me a better employee (also, just my opinion). I am meticulous with details and following up with things. I don’t let anything fall off the wayside. I am not trying to boast. I can find work extremely stressful because of my anxiety. I am the type of person who would buy my own planner and make little work to do lists for each day, write down important deadlines, and notes if I have to get back to someone with an answer to something. I am 100% more affected with anxiety than bipolar. Maybe it is the type of bipolar I have, or the fact that I am on medication for it. I could easily opt for anxiety medication but I am coping and I am a big believer in exposure therapy. I noticed the longer I am in my role, the more good days I have, and the more comfortable I am at work.

Recently, I learned how to ship out packages. Every time I do it, I have anxiety. I double check that the address is right and perfectly align the labels on the box. I feel like I am doing a good job but I still have a fear that the senior employee will correct me. He is always really nice about it, but I still worry about it. I actually worry more that he won’t look and a mistake will be missed. In reality, I know I am doing things properly and worst case scenario is it will probably come back to us. Not the end of the world. For me, living with anxiety means things feel like a much bigger deal than they are. I know that, like other parts of my job, one day I will be able to ship packages without any second thoughts, it’ll just take some practice.

Personally, at this point in my life, I would not apply for a promotion until I was as emotionally ready as possible. I am being strategic about it. I am learning as much as I can. I am now going into my third department and learning it from the bottom up. Is this a completely necessary step for someone who wants to be promoted? No, but I find it helpful. The last time I was a manager, I started as a greeter. I later moved to cashier, then to keyholder. I was comfortable with this because I knew exactly what was expected from each position. My company now is much larger so I probably won’t have a chance to learn EVERY department bottom to top, but every bit helps. Nothing will completely prepare me for being promoted. I expect to have anxiety for a while, but I also expect it to go away eventually.

The one thing I need to remind myself of: most people get nerves with new tasks and in new positions. Maybe, someone with anxiety may struggle more, but that doesn’t make it less natural. I’m going to be okay eventually, as I master the skills, things will become second nature.