A Letter To The Children’s Place

I would love it if you merged with two of my favourite brands, AppleCheeks and Tokidoki Jujube. I think you could make all your stores with them both. Make it like a cube with four sections. AppleCheeks and Jujube together. Baby. Toddler. Big. I think your sizing should go up to a large hot topic and enough with the sizing changes. I’m upset to see employee racks used as clearance bins at Burlington Mall location. I offered to merch it for them on December 14. Not sure if they are still there, I didn’t get the job. I had the wrong availability. I want to train my old DM Laurs how to do visual as good as me, or maybe we can be co DMs for Canada. Million a year each? Fire all DMs.

Also, I think that your management structure has to change. One people SM and one visual SM. Salary. Store Leads open and close all week. SMs are extra. You need better shoes, Disney Vans & Nikes. Let’s make a deal??

On My Book …

“If you do this to me, I’ll be the poster child for a bipolar mother and burn your family to the ground” A threat made by me to my ex when I was first getting diagnosed in September and he was supporting it.

In hindsight, I don’t blame him. He stupidly had said “Well, I googled bipolar and maybe the divorce was a manic episode.” Maybe it made him feel better to think I was out of my mind than things fell apart past repair and I hit the end of my rope. I don’t even know if he googled FPIES, the disease my kids and I have.

I was already considering two books. The first would be about hope and parenting, focusing on Gavin’s first year. I had wanted to include all the dumbass comments from family, but I had felt bad exposing them like that. I could still do it and be understanding within my writing. I’m sure my mother in law would hate the book no matter what, since it came from me. My one sister in law may actually enjoy it. I know how to self publish and I know how to get it in the local Indigo, so that’s not an issue. I really could say anything I want. The truth is honestly more dramatic than anything I could make up.

The second book is a fiction about Adam and Eve, inspired by my twin flame journey. I have a lot of notes for it. I have started this one about five times and deleted it. I was getting a little lost between my blog and all the drafts. I think I need to just block out three months to focus on it. Right now I am distracted by my apartment renos and organization. I’ll finish my apartment by the end of the year though. I once met a girl in the Navy who does all her endeavours in 3 month stints since she wants to do so much. I am considering doing that. I’ll have fun time blocking in my Erin Condren.

Writing Prompts & Suicide Ideation

I found a book I bought in 2012 right between losing my job and meeting my husband, 642 Things To Write About. I only filled in about 11 of the things and I was in a terrible place. It was the epitome of my teenage emo years. Describe the first and last death you remember. I wrote “First) 2000 my uncle killed himself when his girlfriend went to the store. Last) 2012 my neighbour died in a motorcycle accident. Next) mine, undecided date.”

I used to be very depressed, very suicidal. I used to plan and plan. I was always trying to push through, find the perfect time. Maybe in three months if I’m not happier. Two weeks after Christmas maybe, I don’t want to ruin Christmas for the family. Every year I get more put together. Every year my will to live gets stronger. It is still hard some days. I know I won’t do anything. I have children and I’m not impulsive about it. I know that I am a grown up with the power to mostly control my life. I sometimes wonder if the thoughts will ever be completely gone.

In May I told two people I was having the thoughts. The feelings that I did not want to go on. I felt as though I was living for my children. When was my contract over? When will I be allowed to be done? When they are 18? When they are 21? When they are done college? I told a friend I’m going to die in 21 years, apparently that was the answer I came up with. The thing was, when I felt like it was official, I cried a lot. It felt dramatic. It felt wrong. I wondered if my kids would think I stayed alive miserable for them this whole time.

I think I had to face my death one last time to really purge suicidal thoughts out of my system. The first time I tried to kill myself I was ten years old. It was a few months before my uncle died. I couldn’t tell you exactly why. It was impulsive. There was a peacefulness to it. A psychotic way about it. I just decided. It just felt right. I felt like it needed to happen. In honestly, the pills I took did nothing but made me high. I wasn’t close to death at all. I was ten, I didn’t even really know what I was taking. I wonder if I’m just broken that way. Too sensitive to the world. At points it felt as if that was true. I definitely need extra hermit time. I’m definitely sensitive to everyone’s wants and feelings. Being alone at times is necessary.

I have hope that I have gotten over the idea. It took me 18 long years to cure myself of that idea that came over me like an infection so long ago. I don’t just want to live for my kids anymore. I want to live for me. Maybe that is why I’m so gung hoe about this bucket list and twin flame thing. I’m done settling. I’m done dealing with the same toxic family members. I need my life to be mine. I need space from judgement. I’m done living for everyone else, but I’m definitely not done living. I’m living for me and my kids now, not just them.

Tia, the Bitchiest Horse I’ve Ever Met

If my life was a book, Tia would be foreshadowing for my life ahead. She was one of my favourite horses to ride when I was into it. I did horseback riding when I was 11-13. When I got in trouble at school, my lessons were cancelled as punishment. There were a few horses I rode and got to know. Duke, Monte, Sam & Tia. Duke was a giant golden blonde baby who I helped train. Monte was chestnut. He was the first horse I rode. An older guy, great with beginners. He was so easy to ride and sweet. Sam literally had the print of a cow, was short, and had the biggest ass. He had the gentlest ride but he was pretty lazy. The instructor usually had to physically push him to the track.

Tia was my girl. She was all black with sensitive skin. She would kick the wall and bite at you. Not as many people rode her because she was so angry. I’m so angry. She didn’t like people because it hurt her skin to be brushed. You had to be extremely gentle but firm with her. I totally get the hurts to be touched thing. Riding her was fun. She ran so fast. I miss my girl.

I feel like my life is like my Tia. My bones hurt, my skin hurts, I’ve been having chest pains again. I’m just tired from life. I want the snuggles but I’m scared to be touched. One day I hope to get back into horseback riding. I really did love it.

Job Bucket List

Dear Chris,

Since yesterday, my Chris, my twin flame said I could be his girlfriend. I want to tell him my big ass list of jobs I want. I need a manager, like a band manager. Maybe that, but I don’t do sales. I DM, quality control. What should we call it?

I want to run Square One, like a casino, run the room, or a casino. Or both. One job one night a week? Or just text Square One. Just text. I have suggestions, you are the client. Not my problem if you don’t follow my advice and fail. Ill post some photos on my Instagram account with my suggestions and notes. Corporate espionage charge Laura TCP???????????? Need USA and Canada to be one country. Avoid jail. I want back and I’ve got retail secrets. I didn’t make Target leave, I want them to come back.

The companies I currently want to work for, in no order:

Nike, Lululemon, IG model, send me shit.

Las Vegas style casino, Military doula in Iraq, we will talk prices.

The Children’s Place, Justice, Vans, and Hot Topic. There will be more. $200,000 a year per company to district manage, product development, visual specialist.

Square One, $1,000,000 a year, organize your boxes. I know about fire safety.

Also fix this program, make it more like Word.

Treatment for FPIES

My autoimmune disease causes vomiting/diarrhea when I eat food or take medicine I’m allergic to. It can also cause lethargy, dehydration and shock. 25% of FPIES patients also have regular allergies. FPIES is considered rare in babies, although some babies are misdiagnosed with reflux or milk allergy. It is really rare for an adult to not have outgrown the disease, like myself. The hospital treatment for a FPIES reaction is IV fluids and Zofran (an anti-nausea medication).

Mother’s day weekend of 2017 I was hospitalized for FPIES and ended up in the ICU. At the time only my son had been diagnosed and I wasn’t sure why I was so sick. I suspect I also have MCAS, another autoimmune disease as well. My body was so reactive at the time it felt like my throat was swelling shut for up to an hour after even a sip of water. It scared me a lot. I tried to find purified bottled water and getting a high tech water filter did help some. I was on a very restricted diet to breastfeed my son who very reactive at the time. I think I may have overdone eating peanuts, which caused the whole mess. I had recently lost 15 lbs in 2 weeks even though I was eating 3500 calories a day.

While in the hospital, on Mother’s day, alone, the doctors did not understand how I got so sick so quickly. The ICU doctor straight up did not believe that it was quick. My potassium was lower than some nurses had ever seen and yet I was still conscious. They told me I was dying and my breastmilk was toxic. I was in keto acidosis. The doctor insisted I had been sick for months and that sick babies need to be on formula. She called CAS on me and reported me for breastfeeding. She claimed I ruined my health to breastfeed. Maybe that is true, in a sense. Before going on a diet for Gavin though, I was sick a lot. I had no idea why. I took way too many pregnancy tests because of my random weeks of vomiting. Even birth control pills made me nauseous.

I ended up being released from the hospital on the Monday with better potassium levels. A week later I was breastfeeding again and Gavin was deemed failure to thrive, too allergic to have any of the formulas in Canada. Coconut water and eventually potatoes became staples. Now, I’m not breastfeeding anymore but I do have low B12. Burgers and B12 needles are on the regular menu these days. I know how to rehydrate myself and as long as I am careful to not ignore symptoms, things should be good. FPIES is usually straightforward but you can be more reactive when your immune system is down, think post flu or post antibiotics. It is really about management. Gut bacteria plays a huge role. Breastfeeding, playing in grass/dirt, petting animals are all helpful. Probiotics weren’t an option for Gavin because he was too allergic to the barley they were grown on, but even that, the evidence is debatable for their use long term.

My advice? When you have a sick baby, or a rare disease, it is really helpful to do your own research. We work really closely with allergists and at one point had a nutritionist for Gavin. I have the most faith in specialists.