Twin Flames – Mission Complete

Twin flame is the concept of your perfect match, the other half of your soul. I think that the twin flame protocol was a spiritual operation so God could take a fucking vacation. The idea is that you need to come into union with self, focus on yourself, and stop with the codependent relationships. Apparently, everyone who isn’t your twin flame is a karmic partner to make you grow but your twin makes you grow the most.

Let’s just play it out like spirit teams and literally everything is real. It is fucking genius. I don’t know if I believe that everyone who is a twin flame has had a past life with their twin before. I definitely don’t believe that soul’s split in half. I think it is an analogy for how fucking awful it feels when you first separate from your twin. Our souls are married. Possibly. I hear this a lot in the twin flame community that our higher selves are in union, don’t worry, 3D union will come.

I think that the twin flame experiment, yes I think it is an experiment, and it is a fucking intervention. I do possibly think it is spiritually orchestrated. It’s genius, serious. Twin flame partners are like carrots at the end of sticks. All of sudden thousands of people are talking to their spirit teams and getting tarot readings done. It may even be good for the economy. I don’t even necessarily think all twin flames will be in union. How is it that we have free will and union can be guaranteed? Twins do have intoxicating relationships that are hard to give up, so the odds are ever in your favour.

I think a big point of the intervention was for us to figure out our lives, do things for ourselves and realize how amazing we are. We are in a culture where anxiety, depression and low self esteem is an expected part of life. Being confident is idolized because it is hard. Every time you look on TV or social media you see everyone else. Comparison is natural and if you aren’t doing something amazing while looking like a model, it is hard to be confident.

At least for me, I will say thank you, mission complete. I know what I want and I’m happy where I’m at now. I’m over my twin flame as much I will probably ever be. I am ready to date someone else, but I want them to be awesome. I don’t want to settle. I’m okay being alone for as long as it takes for me to be with my twin or someone as good, someone as potentially intoxicating. I don’t think the point of this thing is to make us have loving relationships. I think it is to show true unconditional love, the kind of love that comes when your twin may be with someone else or may be doing something you don’t want. Knowing my twin is happy with someone else is hard but I don’t see her as some evil karmic that has to go. He needs to make up his own mind, learn his own lessons and figure his shit out himself, just like I did. I had to do it alone. Feelings change all the time, new experiences happen, new decisions made. For right now, I have a plan for school (possibly) and work. For right now, I’m single and open to someone who fits what I’m looking for, twin or not. I wish us both all the love and happiness in the world, no matter who it is with.

Emotional Entanglement

I’m in a stage post divorce where I am questioning everything. What is love? Does it matter? I loved my husband, but not as much as I should have. There were times where we felt close and I felt like I needed him in my life, however, we were very incompatible. I’m handsy and chatty, he is the sit in a rocking chair silently and alone type. We both liked video games and board games. He told me he did drugs but what he really meant was he smoked pot with friends camping one time. He was way more of a nerd than I expected. When we met I didn’t vet him so much. He was nice and we enjoyed each other’s company. Three months in I was pregnant by accident. Forced emotional entanglement I suppose.

Now that I am dating again I am fully vetting. Most could say my standards are too high. I just want to make sure I know what I’m getting before we are together a while and we get tangled. I’m so emotionally entangled with my twin flame and we have never even met in person. Too much time talking I suppose. Too many deep conversations. I want to grow old with my twin, make him one of my best friends, even if we never have sex. It might be easier for us to just be friends if I have a boyfriend, but I don’t want to settle just to be with someone. I feel so young and so old at the same time. In some ways I’ve had a full life. In others I feel so young and inexperienced. I could spend the next five years skill building and not dating, I even might be content with that. I’m not sure if I want to get attached to anyone new. I’m not even sure if I want to have sex ever again. I’m still heartbroken over everything, and I think it’s ok to be fragile and untouchable right now.

Why I’m Celibate, Until I Decide Otherwise

Talking to my friends and family it feels like there is an undertone of judgement over how I am feeling post separation. How should one grieve after a relationship? If the break up was my idea, I don’t grieve openly. I just don’t feel the need to. If the end came from the other person, well, I’m human. When I end a relationship, I have thought about it for a long time. I usually give people four hundred more chances than I need to. I bend, adapt, and change to try to make them happy. My ex husband is a good person, but he didn’t know me well. Every time I thought that there was something working, something went wrong. Our last week of our relationship we talked for hours every night. We fucked every day that week. That weekend we fought badly. I thought he was out of line and things were the same. I felt that if we were in a better place and this is how he acted, I was done.

I probably could have stayed married for the rest of my life if I chose, but would I have been happy? He wanted the forever. I wanted the forever, but I needed to be loved in the way I needed to be loved. I needed a calm home life. I needed things to be better. We were together almost 5.5 years. We simply were only good as friends. In our relationship I felt judged. He always makes me feel judged no matter how good his intentions. We simply do not work. I was sad I had a failed marriage. I was sad that my kids had to switch houses constantly. I was lonely. I still felt we were incompatible and there is nothing that will make me want to come back. The problems get in the way. Mentally I can’t move past them. A couple moments he has wooed me with his good parenting but again, the problems get in the way.

With my twin flame, getting over it was harder. Maybe my marriage had a slow death and I had a couple years to slowly wrap my head around things not working. My twin and I were talking a ton one day, the next he wasn’t replying to my texts. There were some clues to things he was saying but there wasn’t a big fight. He left, it was his choice, it hurt. It was confusing for a while, yet so obvious now. Now I feel lucky that we talked as much as we did. I am over my twin in a romantic way, but I miss our friendship. Maybe it won’t be something I think about or actively miss, but I will always have room for him to come back and be my friend.

I used to say I have a terrible memory but maybe it is just all blocked. Maybe I am secretly an avoider. Most of my relationships have been of the more casual types. They faded away. Maybe I wasn’t being taken seriously enough and I started dating someone new. I never really took men too seriously. At times I wondered if I was a lesbian but men were so easy and entertaining. I’m definitely just a bisexual but I haven’t ever dated a woman. Let’s just say, it has been casual. I don’t know if I will end up dating a woman but for the right girl I would. Men are characterized by if I feel safe or unsafe. With women I am just too inexperienced to even conceptualize how I feel. If I find one I will let you know. I would say that I want to date a woman for the experience, but I don’t want to date a woman just for the experience. I don’t like using people. I don’t like things to be just things. Maybe I have some romantic fantasy that I will meet one and she will sweep me off my feet. I actually have met two women who I would have totally dated but it was bad timing. We weren’t single and I wasn’t ready for them.

Right now, the point is mute, I am celibate. It is kind of a funny irrational story but at the end of the day, being single and not fucking after a separation is kind of healthy, right? When I first got separated my sex drive was way up. I was also talking to my twin flame and he has that affect on me. After he gave up pushing me to stay with my husband, even suggesting we go to therapy, he suggested I do the Tinder. He was the good supportive friend, who gave the good advice, now it was time for the get back on the horse advice. I actually had an alright time with the whole thing. I went on a few dates. Some guys were funny, some were smart, some were slutty, and one called his house Little Amsterdam. It was fun for a while, but the more my twin helped me date, the more attached I got to him. One guy I saw three nights in a row and it started to feel couple like. I got upset and took it out on my twin. I told him that I just wanted to date him, and it was breaking my heart that all these other guys were willing to do so much for me. A few days after, I apologized for my antics. I knew the situation. I knew we were just friends and he loved his girlfriend. I was pulling on someone who was taken. It still hurt. Me and my fucking antics, I’m my own worst enemy. After that he continued to suggest I date and get laid. He said I was his sex hero and he was living vicariously through me. It was a fun game we have always played, living vicariously through each other. The problem was that I always ended up wanting more. Always. He is just so fucking lovable. It is annoying as fuck. I told him that I’m done fucking around. I don’t like settling. I won’t fuck anyone else until I fuck him. That was in May.

Apparently, I am becoming a monk because now I am celibate. In truth, I also told him that I reserve the right to change my mind about anything, but not to worry, I won’t change my mind about him. At this point I want to keep going. I don’t think I can go fucking people until I get over him. I fear he will get single and I will be dating someone. I am pretty lovable too, and I can get a boyfriend way too fast. I have gone on some dates since then, but I am being incredibly picky. I don’t want to settle. I want someone as good as him or better. Maybe I will find a younger version of him one day. I am not a rush though. I have a million things I want to do and that I want to manifest. I am tempted to say I won’t break my pack until I am divorced officially. Set a timeline. I do love planning, but I also love freedom. Right now I’m going with feeling out the situation. I will have sex again when it feels like the time is right. I have never really been single before, not for more than a couple weeks. I’m embracing it. I’m going full hermit mode. I have my mind on my money and my hobbies. Maybe my twin will be the one or maybe we are just made to be distant friends.

That is the shitty thing about relationships. They are messy, so much emotional entanglement. You can’t control other people. You can hope, you can influence, if they allow it. Sometimes the timing is wrong. Sometimes you aren’t as compatible as you seemed during those first few months. Sometimes other people are in play. Maybe you can’t manifest a specific person, but you can manifest the qualities in a mate you want. I prefer to pick feelings mostly. I want someone I can laugh with, feel safe with, to have fun with, to talk to, to cuddle with, who I find physically attractive and I want to have sex with. Maybe I can’t manifest my twin, but I can manifest a soulmate who I am happy with. Just don’t settle. Keep meeting people until you find someone potentially compatible. Don’t go into a relationship to go into a relationship, unless that is what you want to do. Do whatever you want. Honestly a lot of people could be fun to date. Maybe I’m traumatized from getting pregnant before I knew more about my husband. For now, I want to vet my potential dates a little bit more. I’m valuing my time more these days. I’m prioritizing getting my apartment in order and plotting ways to make money. Dating is not a priority unless I already know that person is amazing. Maybe I know a couple of amazing potentials, if they are the one they will wait to fuck me until I’m ready. Maybe waiting for me to be ready is what I am really looking for. Someone I could really trust. The first time I feel I was robbed. Something better than the casual shit I did in high school.

My Uncle Jamie

I feel haunted, literally. It is something I wondered about since July. Maybe it is a spiritual intervention for me. Maybe things just have to be worse before they get better. A cleansing. A pheonix rising.

My uncle Jamie killed himself when I was ten years old. My mother and him were diagnosed bipolar, thus my diagnosis. My father once told me that when Jamie was in highschool he went around telling people he was Jesus.  I wasn’t around then so I have no idea the context or tone, but I do know he was very smart and went to a gifted school program. I know very little about my uncle and I don’t want to upset my family with questions. It does endlessly feel like I’m paying for that sin. My grandmother has no problem protecting my mother for fear she will kill herself like Jamie. Countless times I have felt a hopeless position. Even now, it seems as if my entire family is defending my mother for lying to the police about me being suicidal. Somehow she is always protected and I’m under the bus.

I’m not sure if Jamie is actually a ghost now or already reincarnated, but I could understand him watching out for me. I wonder sometimes if I will have another baby or if his spirit would come back in that baby. I wonder a lot about almost everything occult. I think people who commit suicide would want to come back, under different circumstances. Maybe they have the most to prove. All I know is that it is kind of nice to think of him as my ghost buddy, real or not.

Family Meeting

I think I will be fully released from the hospital, aka prison, on Tuesday. My mother had been asking for a family meeting and today I finally complied. My mother sat there, notepad in hand, making notes of my follow up team members. I have no idea why she was doing this because she was barely in my life before she did this to me. My family thinks the suicidal lie is okay because I was too anxious and angry. Possibly, but being taken away from my children again was extremely hurtful. I don’t feel like I was anxious with my little peanuts, just the adults I was fighting with.

When I got separated from my husband, my immediate family told me that he basically wasn’t abusive enough to divorce. I generally have the bigger, more aggressive personality. My ex husband, I feel, is still more of an asshole. What you see at a family party is not who someone fully is, people should understand that. My ex can be cold, distant and mean. I can be hot headed in the moment. I want things resolved super fast and he would drag things out for days. It felt like he never let anything go.

My ex and I tried somewhat to be friends post divorce. I was insisting on it, for the kids. It was really hard for him because I was the one who ended things and refused to take him back. In my defence, he wasn’t doing the things I needed to feel safe taking him back. Divorce is messy and tricky. Unfortunately, my parents always take two perspectives when I have a breakup. 1) he was a loser and wtf was wrong with you dating him 2) I am a bitch who hurt a good guy. One day, I wish they would just be on my side and listen to me vent without insulting me. Although, it would be nice not to have another breakup. My family is definitely part of why I don’t want to date right now.

The family meeting consisted of my doctor, my mother and my stepfather. Luckily, the doctor was praising my good work and post release plan. I am honestly scared that my mother had the power to do this to me. More so that it was kind of my idea for her. My grandma has many times used my mom’s mental health against me insisting they needed to see me and my kids more. It’s the most frustrating dynamic. I feel like a sacrificial lamb. My mother sat in the meeting saying that I rant and get upset too much in-front of my kids. Most of those times were me insisting my mom leave my house when the visit went sour.

I know I will see my mother again. Family get togethers and all. We don’t have to speak at those though. I won’t ever let her back into my home. I am trying to make my apartment my safe and comfy space. Living with her never felt safe. I’m just glad that dreaded meeting is over and I have the support of my doctor, even if she says I carry the bipolar diagnosis for life now.

A Story of The Pill – A Warning

Until this happened I was a lot more trusting of my prescription drugs that I love. I’m a hippy, but I’m not that much of a hippy. I have had periods in my life where I adored my Clonazepam and Prozac. Prescription medication and antibiotics have helped me numerous times throughout my life. My favourite right now is my Zofran that stops the vomiting when I eat something I’m FPIES allergic to. Love it.

When I was in high school my chemistry teacher said “the first time I had sex I was such a bitch I made my boyfriend use two condoms, and he was such a loser he did it”. She was one classy lady. Maybe she was on to something. Doubly safe.

In 2013 I was without health insurance. I had been on fancy brand name birth control for a few months because a nice doctor at the walk in clinic gave me samples. When it ended, I got a prescription for said fancy brand name stuff but when I went to fill it at the pharmacy, I was in sticker shock. The pharmacist said not to worry, that the no name was exactly the same. I asked him about four times. I had only been dating my boyfriend for three months, I had no savings, and was living with my parents. Fuck, I couldn’t even afford the fancy name brand birth control. The pharmacist said it was exactly the same. I went on my way and I got pregnant that month. The first fucking month on it.

Now nay sayers will tell you that when you switch brands you need to be careful for a month but apparently I was given the one that was a match for what I was on. After my beautiful girl was born, (she ended up being loved, beautiful, wanted and perfect), I got an IUD. The doctor putting in my IUD went off like a mother fucker. He told me that the pharmacy makes more money off of no name and that no name birth control only has to be 80% effective. Now, I haven’t personally looked up the sats, but I would say if you a fertil mertil like myself, pay the extra bit for brand name. Be safe if you can’t get pregnant right now. If think birth control is expensive, you obviously haven’t been car seat shopping, jeez. Now I am deemed “too fertile for the pill” so it is celibacy, iud, or surgery. My ex husband had a vasectomy but right now I’m single and celibate. I’m considering getting another iud incase my lust hormones get the best of me but there are always condoms. I would say I would make the lucky guy wear two, but I feel like that would only work on a 14 year old.

Happy family planning.

Bulimia & FPIES

I have such mixed feeling about my bulimia since finding out I have FPIES. FPIES causes projectile vomiting, diarrhea and stomach aches if you eat something you are allergic to. I’ve had stomach issues since birth and it was assumed it was because I was a premie born with an underdeveloped stomach. I heard FPIES was only discovered 10-15 years ago. When I was in highschool I remember so many days with crippling nausea. I would lay in bed all weekend just watching cable reruns. I was honestly too sick to have much of a social life besides dating a bit.

I did try pretty desperately at 17 to find out what was wrong with my stomach. I hid my bulimia from my doctor, throwing up relieved so much of the nausea. My weight didn’t really improve. I felt as if I couldn’t go past two hours without eating because the nausea would creep up. Constant eating kept my stomach bugs at bay. I leaned towards overexercizing over purging since my mom knew. She was convinced I would ruin the piping in the bathroom from vomiting. If I purged too often in a week I would tear my esophogus but the thing that really concerned me was my heart arthymia. Basically my entire highschool career I was bothered by chest pains and low blood pressure. Bring on the salty fries. Pretty much my metabolism was fucked by days where I was too ill to eat much.

I was mostly recovered from bulimia by the time I got pregnant with my daughter. It began when I was 12, a decade was long enough. I vowed to get my shit together. I was still uncontrolable vomitting through my entire pregnancies. After my son was born and sick, we realized it was diet related. I changed my diet to breastfeed him and I felt a million times better. Knowing that sometimes it is physical, just something upsetting my stomach, has mentally helped me so much. At times I am sick I do worry if I will relapse with the bulimia. Times like these, where I am gaining weight from depression and meds are especially hard. I want to be healthy though. I don’t want to constantly feel like I am having a heart attack. I want to be a good role model for my children. Our allergies suck sometimes but we must love our bodies no matter what. Currently, I’m white knuckling through my bad body image. Staying on a workout schedule and accepting I’m just in a rough patch helps.