Little Embarrassed,

So if you read my blog, you know, I SHOULD BE CLEANING. Like seriously. I hate picking up todays. Well, I’m officially super embarrassed. My stepdad came over for a minute today to help me bring up groceries and he was stepping over toys left right and centre. I had a friend come to the door a few hours later and there were still a couple grocery bags on the floor. Nothing that needed to be refrigerated of course, but still! It’s just that I had a long day at work and when I got home I wanted to do some sewing. I got right into my project and that was that. I have tomorrow off and kids are with their dad so I can clean then! Right!?

In case you were wondering, I am sewing masks for the 72 year old I share and office with and my friend who has diabetes.

Okay, back to the house. The thing is, I just wanna clean it in my own time. Make it a little party. Then show it off and be like see I can tidy, eventually (haha).

So plan for tomorrow:
– do my hair and makeup
– make TikToks
– clean!!!
– finish sewing the masks
– make chicken noodle soup from scratch

It’s a big day but I got all day. It’s going to be awesome!

Happy Easter!

Current Mood: Gratitude.

So I’m behind on posting. This week has been kind of exhausting. I’ve been working longer hours some days because of Coronavirus. I’m grateful to be able to work though.

I’m also grateful for my ex right now because without him I wouldn’t be able to work. My grandmother was watching the kids twice a week, so I could pick up extra shifts, but we are worried about getting her sick. My ex is now watching the kids two nights a week ontop of having them all weekend. I’m actually home with them more (of their awake) time now that I’m starting work so late.

The deal was that I will cook him and the kids dinner the nights he babysits. So far I’ve made homemade meaty pasta sauce with rotini, roasted chicken and vegetables and one night we had chicken Caesar salad. Next week I’m making homemade chicken noodle soup. I’m getting lots of recipes from the TikTok.

I’m trying to get the kids outside a bit more, just for walks around the block, no socializing of course. They are taking the quarantine really well. I’m really proud of them! My son learned to use the potty. We are still using diapers at night and first thing in the morning. I stopped using diapers during his nap though.

Alrighty, that’s the update. I guess I better start thinking of what to write Saturday so I’m not late again haha. Best wishes everyone, stay safe.

Should Be Cleaning…

I should be cleaning right now. I think that all the time. I hadn’t made cards in weeks and even as I made one today I felt like I should be cleaning. There is so much that I want to do but I feel like I don’t have the time. I made a commitment to blog twice a week for the rest of the year, and I’m sticking to that. Cleaning be damned!

I am thankfully still working 31 hours a week which is my max with my availability. Since I work in a grocery store, and there is all this Covid craziness, my managers want me to work more. I don’t have more childcare as of now, so I said no. Schools are closed. Daycares are closed. I know of one daycare that is open but it would cost me as much as I make to send both kids. My ex and I don’t want the kids going to daycare right now anyways until the schools reopen and it’s safer.

I’m taking the next hour for me. I am determined to have some creative time. I need it. I have so much stuff on my to do list, writing out my to do list is on it. Fuck, I’m tired.

Hope everyone is hanging in there! Are you still working? Any projects on the go?

We Are Very Different

I had my ex over for dinner tonight and we took the kids for a short scooter ride. While we were out, we got talking about how much we appreciate the different things we do for the kids. I like that he takes the kids to the park, for bike and scooter rides, is very clean and somehow gets my daughter to do lots of reading. I told him that sometimes I feel like shit because it feels like he is the better parent. He said that I am the parent who lets them paint themselves with glitter, and dry up all the playdoh making statues. He likes that I let the kids be so creative and although they completely trash my house, they get to do a lot of cool, fun things that he wouldn’t be down with.

My daughter loves it at her dad’s because they have a playroom. She loves it here because sometimes I fall asleep putting them to bed and she gets tons of snuggle time. I think we are happier now that we are apart. At least now, we never ever fight in front of the kids. Things are definitely harder and more exhausting being apart, but in some ways more relaxed. I used to apologize every day because the kids would make a mess and I suck at staying on top of keeping things clean. We eat a lot more leftovers these days. Tonight I made homemade pasta sauce and you can sure bet that’s what dinner is the next two days. For lunches, today I cut up a pineapple, a brick of cheese and a turkey kielbasa, so that will be offered. If I am feeling motivated, I may make sandwiches.

I’m just glad they have both of us in their lives. Maybe it can’t be quantified who is the better parent. It is all about perspective and priorities.

What Is Your Legacy?

Part of me doesn’t care if anyone reads this blog. Part of me hopes no one in my family does, but I hope my children do when they are late teenagers. I hope they read everything I’ve written. I hope they see every photo I’ve ever posted on social media. There’s a strange thing about life these days, when we die, no one is fighting over a photo album. They can look at mom’s Instagram, isn’t that odd?

Why would I want my kids to read my blog?
– sometimes I talk about them and I want them to know how proud I am of them
– I want them to know about things on a deeper level, once they are old enough and ready
– to see what hard work and commitment can accomplish
– so they can know me better
– to start a dialogue
– I may change my perspective as my life progresses, I may learn and evolve; I want them to see that is okay. What’s important is that we are always growing as people
– maybe I’m a little narcissistic, or just proud of it

I don’t know what my kids will be when they grow up but I know they love art. I personally wish I had continued my passion with art as a hobby instead of taking a 15 year break. Art is a skill that I wish I had more of. Now I’m not saying that I will FORCE my kids to continue with art. I will say that I plan to encourage and motivate them, especially when they are teenagers. Right now it’s easy, they love art. They draw, colour and paint everyday. Even if they don’t go into art and don’t want a side hustle, creating is so fulfilling. It can give you such a sense of pride and accomplishment. It can be therapeutic.

I find art fun, but I struggle since I haven’t been doing it my whole life. I find writing more therapeutic. It isn’t about being the best writer, I’m definitely not. It’s about panging on the keys, releasing of my raw emotions, the processing of events passed that still bother me, and the reminiscing of the good memories.

Do you have a craft you are proud of? What is your legacy?

We Are All Tired

I’m at the gym, relaxing in a massage chair, waiting for my iced coffee to kick in. Admittedly, not the most strenuous of workouts so far, but I do pay for gym daycare. Having some me time is lovely in this moment.

On Fridays I have my son home all day, I do the school routine with my daughter. At dinner time I head to work and am there til 11 at night. Saturdays I’ll usually work 8 hours and do some cleaning. Sundays my kids have sports and then I go to work. Bed early on Sunday because I’ll work at 6 or 7 am on Monday. This is my weekend routine, every weekend.

During the week I mostly hang out with my kids, do art and homework. I try to keep up on the daily cleaning but I honestly hate cleaning. Of course, when there is five minutes of tidiness, it feels amazing. My son is king of trashing the joint. On Wednesdays, my grandma will come watch my son. I’ll walk my daughter to school, walk to work, work, walk to her school, then walk home. I get a lovely 15 minute break at lunch time that I cherish. I’m usually starving by the time I get home, so now all my jackets have granola bars in the pockets.

In September, I hope to work more since my son is in school. Because I work shorter shifts, I’ve been scheduled for six days a week before. My grandma is only up to watching my son two days a week right now and I do want to spend as much time with him as I can. If I wasn’t so deep in debt, I would only be working weekends. Those Monday and Wednesday shifts really add up.

Am I burnt out? Sometimes it feels that way. The grind of cleaning my house gets to me. It feels like it is always time to deep clean something. I really can’t let the house go because my grandma watches the kids at my house, which is probably a blessing. I’m hoping that once my son gets a little older, he will be less messy (he’s three right now). My daughter is six and she’s pretty clean. At the very least, he will be in school all day so he will have less time to get into things!

So, a little burnt out, but incredibly grateful. Grateful to have two AMAZING kids. Grateful to have my grandma’s help. Grateful to have a job, especially one that works around my schedule. Grateful I don’t have to pay for before/after school daycare.

Why did I even bother writing this? Partly, I’m venting. I’m tired. I’m trying to do better all the time. However, I want to give empathy to those other single parents, working parents, tired parents, parents of messy kids, those thinking of becoming single parents, those considering going back to work, those who need to take some me time. You are not alone. We are all grinding away. We are all doing the best we can.

Hey, look at that! My coffee kicked in! Time to actually work out! (Haha) I better go do that.

It Never Occurred To Me Before

I wrote the other day about possibly having another kid, or not. I don’t know what the future holds and the most likely answer is that I am done having children. However, what is possible? Step children. I have the big elaborate tattoo sleeve planned for my two kids and it honestly just occurred to me, what if I have step children. Maybe I’m waiting until I’m 40 to get this tattoo! I just have so much life to live and so much uncertainty. I’m excited for it. I feel like my future is bright. For a while after the separation it felt like my life was over, but I’m moving past that. I think everything will be okay. At least, that is what I tell myself. Genuinely though, if I get married again, and I have stepchildren, I would want them to feel as loved as my kids. I’m just saying if the little kids are in my life for a decade or more, then they deserve to be part of my tattoo. In case you don’t know, I am planning on getting mutant animals and the sun signs of my kids. It’s all very symbolic so no matter what happened it would still look good. Maybe it will happen, maybe it won’t work out. Either way, I’m good. I have a vague idea of what I want in my tattoo. Maybe it isn’t complete for a reason. Will everything in my life being up in the air, I understand why my tattoo ideas are in flux. Okay, I’m rambling but I am getting more optimistic by the day.

Will I Ever Move?

Sometimes I really wonder if I will live alone forever. I have so much fear about living with someone. Will it work out? Will it be worth giving up MY place? I’m so attached to my apartment and the fact that it is affordable. Rent has gone up hundreds of dollars since I moved in seven years ago. I know that one day my kids will move out and my place is big for one person. Maybe I will feel more comfortable moving in with someone once my kids no longer live with me. It’s less of a risk. Right now I know I can afford my apartment and support my kids no matter what. There is also the fact that if I do live with someone before my kids move out, that is a change for them. That is not necessarily a bad thing, it’s just a risk.

I don’t have to decide anything right now. It will be at least a couple years before I would have to make the decision. I do feel guilt in dating though. What if I chose to not live with someone while I’m raising my kids? Am I leading them on? Am I wasting their time? Will they understand? Will I be able to stick to my guns? Or should I get over my fears? Obviously, it depends on a million things and I will never know for sure what is the right decision until things play out. Living with anxiety is hard. Being a parent is hard. I wish I wasn’t so worried about it now. It’s honestly mostly the guilt of dating when their might be a glass ceiling. I always tell them it will take A LOT for me to consider moving. Maybe that is enough warning.

Two Kids or To Three Kids

Someone asked me last night if I wanted more kids. I giggled and said maybe. The truth is I’m really good either way. My kids are so perfect. I just miss having a cute, cuddly, breastfeeding baby. Babies grow up though and I will once again long for it. I’m sure when my kids are teenagers, I’ll miss the way they are right now. Every moment seems fleeting. The truth is, I never really expected someone to look at me with my two kids and be open to possibly, one day, maybe, having a baby with me. I was caught off guard. If it is the right decision is a completely different story, but right now I’m in my emotions. The smile I got when I said I would be open to getting married again to the right person. I guess it is just what I needed in the moment. I needed someone to look at me like that. I needed to feel validated. I needed to feel like maybe there is hope for the future. Maybe I will be with someone if I choose. That being said, I’m still completely on the fence about if I want to live with someone while my kids are still living with me. Definitely, yes, after they move out. Before? It would take someone really, really special. Obviously, if I wait twenty years I’m definitely not having more kids. In financial practically, its impractical to hope for it. Did that make sense? Basically, I was made to feel really good about myself and my future. I’m not going to pretend I have a crystal ball. I’m going to try to be less cynical about my future and see what comes my way. Until then, I love my kids, I love my job and I love the life I have. It’s totally okay if nothing changes.

Finding the Balance

My kids have been sick for two weeks. It was the first flu I had to deal with as a single mother. I got through it. There was lots of vomiting in buckets and fevers, but we survived. I washed all the pillows and bedding in the house. I’m working on sanitizing everything. I’m vaguely surprised I got through it alone. It definitely was harder than it was when my husband lived here.

I spent the weekend thinking of the trade-off. Thinking about this flu and how now I have to walk to work all winter. We used to share a car but it was his. So when it’s blizzarding and I’m walking to work I’m thinking “well, this is my life now”. Unless I get a different or second job I’ll never be able to afford my apartment and a car. Once my kids turn eighteen I’ll probably need a second job to just pay for my apartment and food. That really isn’t a bad idea because I need to save for retirement. Of course, I could get a job that pays more, however, it may not be within walking distance and I may need a car.

This is how my brain runs lately. Thinking about how I am going to afford life. Thinking about how we will have a decent life and balance our budget. I think about spoiling my kids with art supplies and how everyday we have the best time. Every time we do that, it takes away from their RESPs. Then I think about the balance. I think about how I can work more when they are older and worry about that then. There is the fact that they could get a loan and pay for it themselves. I do want to help them as much as I can, comfortably. I guess the truth is, I’m not ready to completely sacrifice, never eat out, stop buying stamps, and not go to the movies to pay for their University. I’m trying to find the balance. I’m trying to take care of everything and get used to this single mom life. It’s going better than I expected.