A Little Hello From My Phone

I haven’t written in so long. I haven’t made any time to sit down and just write. I haven’t opened my computer in months. Right now I have a desperate urge to open my laptop. I cannot. I am putting the children to bed. I felt like the words would slip away by the time they finally fell asleep. The words always come out different, though, as I type on my phone. Funny how there a million different influences on an artist.

Sometimes I feel like I relate to the dark tower series a little too much. I went for a long walk home today and it reminded me of the gunslingers quest. I was in a city, not the desert. However, I could see the horizon in the distance. The clouds were stunning. Sometimes I crave these moments of immersion. Sinking into the environment.

If you are new, welcome, I’m bipolar. I’ve been medicated for a two years now. I wonder at times if the medication squashes my creativity. I wonder if I am who I am supposed to be. Most of the time, I wonder if it does anything at all. Personally I still feel the waves. I still have daily anxiety. I try hard for a month or two. Get excited about projects. Enviably though, I burn out. I stop caring so much. I am too tired. I rest, hard. Slowly, I climb what feels like the steepest cliff to get out of that phase. I’ll do some cleaning a couple days in a row. I’ll cut up fabric but won’t turn on my sewing machine. The anxiety kicks in and I think I don’t remember how to sew. The to do list piles up and I get overwhelmed. I procrastinate the productive stage until theres some sort of deadline. I begin. I overdo it once again.

If you are returning and wondering how I have been the answer is mixed. Love life is up in the air. I don’t know what to do with that. Work life is going well. I am learning how to use the power equipment on Saturday and of course that comes with a ton of anxiety. My house is mostly clean except the kids room. That is definitely a problem for September since I have about 30 more masks to sew. If I didn’t have such a long rest phase I’m trying to get out of then I would have been done that by now! I needed the rest though.

So that is what has been going on. I hope you are all well. Xox

How’d May Go?

Guysssss I’m finally getting my house in ORDER. It’s slow but it is coming along. This week I packed up 10 garbage bags full of stuff. I think there were like 3 just of kids old artwork!! (I kept a couple special pieces). The thing is, I live in a two bedroom apartment. With two kids. We all have a lot of stuff! I’m really particular on what I let myself have in my apartment, so I haven’t had to get rid of any of my stuff. I did do a movie and book purge a few months ago too. It was nice to get rid of the baby toys.

On that note, I’m 100% decided that I am not having any more kids and I am okay with it. I think I’m honestly more of a teenager & baby person. This adorable, yet messy kid phase is pulling at me. Like seriously. The talk back from my 6 year old daughter is insane. We fight, but we love each other a lot. It was just simpler when they were babies. Want a cuddle? Want a boob? Want a nap? Here’s a chew toy. So simple. So cuddly.

According to our Snap streak, I’m on day 42 talking to my man friend. Interested what day we get to lol or if we get mad at each other and ruin our streak. (haha) I’m not talking to any other guys anymore, besides my platonic friends. Snap streaks, future standard of romantic relationships? I hope so! I never really got into Snapchat before him, but it is actually really adorable and fun. I was super mad about the UFC thing (see last post) but he made it up to me. I’m happy that I moved on.

Work is going really well. Been busy. I have gotten to work in my primary department all month long. I’ve sewn some masks for friends at work. I still have 25 masks to make. I don’t know if I will actually be able to sew masks to donate because I had already accepted so many orders before they asked. I feel really behind. I haven’t really sewn much in the last two weeks because I have been cleaning and in need of some down time. Today, right after this, I’m going to get started on cutting out a bunch of fabric and putting elastics in. I am so glad I stocked up on fabric when I did because Walmart has been DRY for weeks!

Hope all is well for you guys!!

FPIES Update

On Sunday, Mother’s Day, I ended up going home sick from work because I puked. I was feeling out of it. I had had a headache for a couple days. I still went to my ex’s house for dinner after taking some Zofran. However, I left right after and went to bed by 6 pm. I didn’t sleep through, but I stayed in bed until 8 am the next day. In the morning, I still had a headache when I woke up but my stomach felt 100% better. That’s the thing about FPIES, once it is out of your system you are normally fine.

I was worried about soy allergy because it is so closely related to dairy, however, I ate soy sauce with my sushi last night and it didn’t affect me at all. Really not sure what bothered my stomach this weekend. I wonder if I only threw up because of my migraine and the rest was from the small bit of Nutella I had Friday morning? I’m unsure. The only other thing that timing wise made sense was that the pasta sauce upset my stomach a bit. I have some leftover which I’ll probably eat today. I am expecting it to be fine but I do swear at one point I had an issue with basil.

One of the things I have to be careful about is not overreacting. Making sure I am really allergic to something is important so I am not cutting out foods for no reason. When I had the basil issue, I noticed that once I made homemade pasta and forgot the spices at the end. I was able to eat that fine but not canned sauce. I made it again with basil and oregano and was sick. The third time I made it with just oregano and was fine. If I were to do this again, I would eat basil on like a potato which I know is safe, and see how I felt just to be extra sure. There are a lot of ingredients in store bought pasta sauce and it could be anything.

A lot of times I’ll get sick from a normal meal with a bunch of ingredients. It takes some detective work to figure out what is going on and narrow down the one thing upsetting my stomach.

I reallllllly hope it is just dairy this time. I can live without dairy. Last bought of allergies even vegan pizza upset my stomach. Even if I can’t eat dairy ever again, it would be super nice to be able to eat vegan cheese. I don’t know how to end this (haha). Wish me luck?

FPIES Hitting Me

My stomach is a mess. I know I had some Nutella yesterday morning, which has dairy in it, but usually it doesn’t affect me the next day. I’m half convinced I’m back to having multiple food allergies but it too soon to say. Going to have to go a few more days without dairy. Pretty embarrassing but I’m so gassy today, which is unusual for me. If I fart one time its usually allergy related. When I’m feeling well, I just don’t fart (haha).

If you don’t know I have FPIES which is food allergies that make you puke or have diarrhea within certain time frames.

Today, I also have had bad acid reflux mixed with nausea, which, for me, is always related to my allergies.

I’m feeling a little anxious and depressed. I wish I could go back on my McDonalds diet of three hashbrowns for breakfast and two hamburgers for lunch and dinner. Joking. But not joking. It seriously worked. My stomach was mint and my allergies were under control.

A few months ago I couldn’t eat dairy, soy, pork, bell peppers, and eggs. I am very curious if that is what the problem is. I didn’t really eat any of those today though, besides some egg powder in chicken strips. Before that never bothered me this much though.

Yesterday I did have chilli with bell peppers, beans and corn for lunch. I just find it weird that I would be so affected the next day, especially the acid reflux, which has gotten worse through the night (but wasn’t bad this morning).

I’ll let you guys know what’s what in a few days when this dairy gets out of my system more. Hope you are doing well!

Quarenbelly UGH lol

Found out today that over the last three months, I’ve gained 10 lbs. I’m in a shit mood. Actually it was more like 13 but I started my diet last week. I thought I had gained like 5. A lot of things contributed. The gyms are closed. I started driving to work instead of walking twice a week. I’ve been sitting in the office instead of walking around at work lately.

The worst thing that happened was McDonalds closed. I know it sounds crazy! However, I had a diet plan worked out that included McDonalds and was affordable. I would always get a hamburger and a Jr Chicken. When I had to give up eggs, I switched to two hamburgers. Dinner would be 400-500 calories and under $5. I used to buy a case of Coke Zero and bring a can with me to work.

3 months ago I was FPIES reacting to dairy, soy, pork, eggs and bell peppers. No cream in my coffee for me. Even though my stomach got better, and I started having double double coffees again, I kept with the two burger things. I loved it and I was LOSING weight.

After McDs closed, I started eating more Walmart food. I would get a lot of the hot food counter. Chicken strips, wedges or chicken pieces a lot. That’s over a 1000 Calories, but, also, I would get a coffee Monster which is around 250 calories. Totally delicious dinner.

That is the past though. I am reacting to dairy again so no more coffee Monsters. No more hot food counter because it’s just not that healthy. The last few weeks I have been eating a lot of sushi at work. The pack I get is very low in calories. I end up being starving after work, but that is besides the point.

What is the point?? I need to get my shit together or I’ll have to buy new clothes soon. Everything is a little too snug for my liking!! I’ve started my diet. I’m really trying. I want to make more time to workout but I have like 30 masks to sew and an apartment to maintain. I’m finding it hard to justify the time. For now, I’m super focused on my diet and eating healthy. Last week I made homemade chicken noodle soup and this week it was a huge pot of chilli.

The person that I was kind of seeing but am definitely not because they wanna live some secret, underground tunnel life, is dieting too and doing well. That was motivating. We were, I thought, the same weight so that was cool until I realized that I gained way more than expected. Feeling the urge to catch up to him, even if we might be ending things once I get the nerve, or I decide to be all about that secret hobo lifestyle. IDK read my last post talking about my bruised ego. That’s basically the other half of why I’m in a shit mood.

Anyways, hope you all are doing better than me right now! How’s everyone’s quarendiets going??

My Special Friend

I’ve been thinking about my sign a lot lately. Leo cusp Cancer with a Virgo moon. Personally, I find it accurate.

I believe in astrology if you look at the whole chart. Do I believe it can predict your future, or pick your soulmate? No, I do not. However, I do like to look into someone’s birth chart when we are courting each other. Maybe it’s just a need to control, thirst for more information. Maybe it’s my Virgo moon.

More specifically, I’ve been thinking of that lion pridefulness, that big ego of mine. It came about after meeting someone much more private than myself. I’m a very open person. I’m also very showy as it turns out. When I eventually get a boyfriend/girlfriend, I want to be able to tell my friends all about them and show off pictures. I don’t think I could ever be with someone who asked me to keep things secret. I’d feel awkward having to keep so much in.

With this person, I find myself back peddling and lying sort of recently. At first I told my friends all about them. This week I followed up with I think I just wanna be friends with them. Which is true and not true. It’s true but it’s misleading in the fact that I will probably NOT tell this person we should just be friends. It’s true because it is how I sort of feel. Things feel friendly with them and I am sort of resentful that I am in this position. I had felt guilty about talking so much about them before I really knew how private they were and what the situation was. Is that my fault? No. Is it healthy? Probably not, so we should just be friends. I feel frustrated, confused, my guard is up. The problem? The are probably the most sweet, kind, talented and ambitious people I have ever met. The more I get attached, the more I want to distance myself because it is not entirely right.

Maybe I was only half misleading my friends. My heart legit feels like friend zone is the safe zone right now. I just wish things would naturally run their course, either way it goes.

All that being said, I could check me ego a bit. Still not happy about being in that position, however, do I need to be a total Leo and show off everything all the time. I’m just like a proud mama, I feel like I can’t help it! Obviously, I’m trying to respect his boundaries and privacy but it is really hard. Here is me right now totally not talking about him (haha). It literally just hurts me ego a lot having someone not want to show ME off as much as I want to show them off. That’s probably the bigger issue. Feeling like a total Cancer today, very emotional. My Virgo moon is like what hard work do I need to do to work this out??

Because he bruised my ego, and I have mostly friend zoned him. If he does every want to move things forward and act more “boyfriendy”, some grovelling may need to be involved. Definitely the official asking me to be his girlfriend because I will definitely be bringing up the fact that he told his people I’m his friend when we are more right now.

The more I vent about this, the more I want to pull back. My instinct is, this will not end well for me. I need to hold out for someone like him that doesn’t wanna keep our relationship a secret, it’s that simple.

Saturday Night

So it’s Saturday again, typie typie time. Hit those keys.

What I really wanna be doing is writing my book or making cards. I can’t really do anything extra right now besides clean and make masks. I have to make about 25 masks and I am hoping to be done by the end of the week. I cut out all the pieces and started putting them together. I’m going to pleat some tonight, yes at 11 pm. Jeez I’m tired.

Book is not coming along. I honestly think next January will be my JAM. Kids will both be in school, hopefully, and its a slow season at work. In the Fall I’ll probably be working 5-6 days a week and my day(s) off will be catching up on cleaning and baking. Speaking of baking, I have made oatmeal chocolate chip cookies for the last weeks. I’m mostly off dairy so I have been giving them to my kids and friends. This week I’m going to make oatmeal raisin and bring a bunch to work as it is my friend’s birthday. Damn, I’d love to make a new card for her but I probably don’t have time. I have lots ready to go at least!

How are you managing your time? I find it difficult. Personally, I’m trying to balance work, kids, hobbies and chatting with friends. I feel like keeping in contact with friends is really keeping me sane.

Side note, I really need a haircut. I like my long hair right now except for the fact that the ends are getting tangly. My feet are pretty fine but I’d die for a pedicure too. I just enjoy getting them so much. Spa day post quarantine? You know what? That sounds good in THEORY. However, I feel like I’ll be one of those people that it’s going to take me a hot minute to get comfortable getting that close to people again.

Alright, enough daydreaming about nice hair and soft feet, time to sew some masks!

Happy Saturday everyone!

Expectations VS Reality.

Last night I stayed up for three hours cutting pieces of fabric to make masks. In all fairness, I was also texting. I got the front and back for about 25 masks cut out. I still have to cut out the middle pieces, plus, do all the ironing and sewing. I have a few friends who want them and I am happy to make them. I’m a bit tired and a bit behind on housework, but it is good for me. I’m not the world’s best sewing expert. I’m still learning and I am getting some really great practice in!

I got my sewing machine when my six year old daughter Ellie was a baby. I couldn’t afford it but I usually get birthday money from my family, and then, in laws. I currently have mixed feelings about the fact that they helped buy it. It’s the only thing left in the house that I can remember them buying us. Actually, the baby stroller. The baby stroller was given to us by my in laws during our first baby shower.

Now it’s bugging me a little. It really shouldn’t but it does. There are just so many hard feelings between us. I am grateful for everything that they have done for my kids and our family. At one point that was a lot. I don’t like acknowledging that I needed them. Admitting that we didn’t have the money for a stroller or sewing machine. That is just me being a Leo and prideful though.

Why did I even want a sewing machine? I had this vision of being the “perfect housewife”. You know, baking for the family, a clean house and sewing dresses for my daughter. In the end it felt impractical. You can buy so many dresses for reasonable prices. I didn’t think sewing to be SO expensive. I didn’t expect to need SO much practice. I thought I would have had more time. I believed I would be better at it, sooner.

Even though I am now separated, and I have a little less patience than I want with my kids, I still have this vision of how I want to be. I am learning. I am growing closer everyday. As my kids get older, well, there are pros and cons to them getting older. Now, they get into everything but one day they will both be at school all day. Maybe I never made my daughter a dress, but I did make an outfit for her doll, which she cherishes. Maybe I’ll be the grandma who bakes and sews for everyone.

Do you have any hobbies?? What did you envision for yourself??

Sleep Deprevation

I got 11 hours sleep last night. It was so needed. My stomach has been upset all week, reacting to dairy I believe. Even as I write this, my eyes close, reminiscing about the exhaustion I had just yesterday. Although I feel so much better, I’m still sleepy. I crave coffee.

Work yesterday was literally embarrassing because of how groggy I was. Everyone I talked to said I looked tired, or pale, or sad. I’m really hoping I look better at work tonight after all my sleep! Besides looking like shit, work is going good! I’m back to my main department which is so nice! We are shipping out all the winter and Easter stuff. I feel like I have so much job security in this role. Sure, sometimes we are slow, but when they need me, they REALLY need me. Not too many people are trained in that department. There is two of us with the job title, and maybe four more that can help a little bit.

I feel like last week I really pushed the limits of not sleeping. I stayed up cleaning and talking to friends. I often woke up at two am and couldn’t get back to sleep til five. I’d work til 11 and couldn’t fall asleep til three am. I was all over the place. Gavin mostly doesn’t nap so napping isn’t really an option for me anymore.

Even though there was a lack of sleep issue, and even though there are diet changes afoot, I was incredibly happy last week. Not like bipolar mood swing happy haha. It just felt nice to have these personal connections. In some ways, with quarantine, I feel closer to my friends than ever. It feels like we are putting in extra efforts to entertain each other. Just this morning, a new friend of mine was sending me silly videos he made. Totally made my day.

That’s pretty much how its been going for the last few weeks though. Erratic sleep patterns, the food issues are new but before this I had a cold for three weeks. Working, doing the homeschool thing, trying to get my house in order, sewing masks when I have time, and working on strengthening the relationships. Now more than ever, I’ve been realizing how valuable the people in my life are. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I took people for granted, but sometimes I get caught up in things and don’t always pay attention.

Hope you are doing well and getting your sleep in!

Feeling Flirty These Days

I’ve escalated to Red Bull. Actually, I do have some good news. After a slew of “I should be cleaning” posts, on Friday night, I cleaned the living room and my bedroom! Took hours because it was like a weeks worth of toys in the living room. Alas, it is, Tuesday and it has been trashed again.

About a month ago my son learned to use the potty. As he was just learning, I rolled up the carpet. I was finally able to put it back down this past weekend. So even thought TODAY I have some cleaning to do, it is nice to have the carpet down. I am cleaning today I swear it, I swear it. I’m pretty sure everyone in my life is so tired me talking about cleaning or being overwhelmed by my kid’s messes. Every time they ask what’s up, I say cleaning or avoiding cleaning.

If I am being completely honest, I’ve been doing a little bit more than not cleaning my house. I started a series on TikTok reading the funniest tinder messages I get. In the process of making this series, I did end up talking to a couple humans that are very nice and getting to know them. Dating during covid is not really an option but there have been a lot of silly Snapchat shenanigans.

Am I even ready to date after the separation in October? A question I ask myself.

The answer is, well, with covid and social distancing, what I have is perfect. I am dipping my toe in. I am actually a little flirty again for the first time in years. I am starting to trust again, a little bit. There may be someone with the potential to be special to me but its so early, there’s no way of knowing. But it gives me hope. Hope that, one day, I will be able to open up again.

I will not say, one day I will be happy, because I am happy now. In this moment, in the week, I’m full of wonder and amazement. Maybe, just maybe, it doesn’t matter how things will work out with this one. I know that eventually I will meet the one. What matters to me, is that, I surround myself with people who expand my heart and soul. That I heal from past relationships. That any relationship I enter into, or maintain, friendly or romantic, helps me grow into a better person. I never want to feel held back or repressed again.

If I am being even more honest, I did see someone for about four months starting right after the separation. It was alright. We cared about each other in a respect way. It stayed pretty casual though and I never fell in love. The more time went on, the more things naturally faded. Our breakup was mutual, like dandelion fluff gently being floated away in the wind, without resistance. Even though that ended, I treasure it, because when we were together on a date, it was very nice. It was a good stepping stone to where I am now. We respected each other’s standards and emotions. Sometimes it’s just not there, just not right, and that is okay.