End Of An Era

We have the power to transmute energy. Pulling in negativity and creating positivity. I had ordered a tarot deck off Etsy and it arrived 20 minutes before I left for a Rob Zombie & Marylin Manson concert. It is special to me. I decided to put it in my purse and read it on the train. I bought it for myself for my birthday. It pulled to me. Each card had cartoony animals with a positive interpretation. The cover had two swans with three baby swans. I have a two and a five year old. In the picture two of the babies are behind the mama swan and one in between. I wondered if I should have another baby. Maybe I was just sad to be done.

The more I thought about it the more I realized how it wasn’t about an actual baby. I wondered if I just needed to get over the trauma of my first two. My babies were perfect but my son, my youngest, my Gavin, was sick. He was diagnosed with Food Protein Induced Enterocolitis Syndrome. He was so sensitive he reacted through breastmilk. At one point he had twenty-five allergies. It was the hardest thing I ever lived through. I changed my diet to help him. The vomiting and diarrhea stopped. We tried new foods one at a time. We reintroduced foods slower. By two, his gut was completely healed. He was recovered. To me, it was a miracle. I never imagined he would outgrow his allergies so quickly. I at 28, still have FPIES. My daughter also had it, but mild. FPIES causes projectile vomiting that can lead to shock. Half a dozen times Gavin was so lethargic I couldn’t wake him. We brought him to the hospital multiple times.

I don’t know what would make me want a third child. I am blessed with a boy and a girl. I just love cute little babies. The chances of another being sick too are too high. My husband and I decided that our second would be our last while I was still pregnant with him. I was incredibly sick while pregnant. I will always remember puking in the bathroom while Greg talked to the doctor. Vasectomy while wife is pregnant may be a little unorthodox, but it was right for us. Still, Greg and I were on a break and staring at those swans made me crave a baby. Will you ever feel complete? When the baby stage is over will you always be sad? When breastfeeding is done are you ever 100% over it or will you always miss it?

I Was In The ICU Alone

Two years ago I got suddenly sick. I think it was dehydration. A lot of it could have been stress since Gavin was very FPIES sick. All that month when I had a drink it felt as if my throat was swelling shut. I was scared I had MCAS, another autoimmune disease. I was eating a very limited diet to keep my son thriving, he had food allergies through breast milk. He started reacting to the orange juice I was drinking, I think it was the citric acid. Every time I would have a glass of juice, he puked. Maybe I just had an FPIES reaction myself.

What I do know is that I wasn’t feeling well that week, I was groggy. Thursday night I went to bed early with a migraine and I woke up Friday morning and vomited. I told Greg to bring me to the hospital. I felt as if I was going to pass out. We got my in laws to watch Ellie but I brought Gavin to the hospital with me since he was nursing. While I was checking in I through up lamb I ate 16 hours before. They gave me IV saline while I was in the waiting room.

The emergency Dr. was good. He hooked me up with some IV Zofran for the nausea. I had chills so bad so I was under half a dozen heated blankets. Around 1 am they did a gas test and told me I was in keto acidosis. They didn’t know why I was so sick but they were moving me to the ICU. I was told my potassium was lower than they had seen before and they didn’t understand how I was still awake. I was told I was dying and my milk was toxic. When I was being moved to the ICU, Greg was told to go to the waiting room with the baby. He was informed he had to put the baby on formula. Luckily his paediatrician was on call at that hospital and we got a hold of him at 2 am. He approved the formula. I didn’t get to say goodbye, but they eventually went home.

Greg came with the kids to visit me for a short time on the Saturday and Mother’s Day Sunday. My friend Ami and my mom also visited. It was hard with the kids there, Gavin and Ellie wanted to breast feed. I was told by the Dr. that I neglected my health to nurse and if we didn’t do formula she would call CAS. The whole thing was traumatizing. I spent Sunday morning asking to go home and fighting with that Dr. The rest of the day I spent crying. I wanted my family. I wanted to go home.

I ended up being discharged Monday morning with better potassium. I felt sick to my stomach and I was having chest pains. Dairy was upsetting my stomach after not eating it for so long. A week later I was back to breastfeeding Gavin since he ended up being allergic to the formula. He lost 1.5 lbs that week. He ended up being admitted to a children’s hospital for failure to thrive and dehydration while I got my milk supply back. The whole thing was insanely stressful. We decided to keep Ellie weaned which ended up being a good choice since I had to stay with Gavin at the hospital for 3 weeks. She stayed home with dad.

Being alone was hard but the days went quickly. My night nurse cried for me on Sunday evening. We bonded a lot and she felt awful I was trapped in the hospital. She was from Russia and didn’t expect this type of thing in Canada. I get that I needed to stay though. I get that I needed my potassium up. I also get that seeing me just made the baby cry for milk. It was just a tough situation. I could have called my family and asked them to come but I was so distraught I didn’t think to reach out to anyone. I’m just glad it is over and we are all healthy now.

I may not ever know for sure what caused me to get sick and vomit. Dehydration, flu, FPIES, MCAS? I needed the MCAS test then when I was so reactive but I didn’t think to ask for it. Honestly, when I was in the ICU I just remember the one big fight with the doctor. I got sick suddenly and went straight to the hospital so I’m not sure I could have done anything differently. Things were so hard with my son’s food allergies. It was a mess.

App What Do You Think?

Section for things I love and a section for possibly will try? Like interests on Fetlife. Listed after the questionnaire?

Is it just me or does cuckolding need two names? One with humiliation and one without. Or just the clarifier.

Before I said skins for littles but I think skins for everyone. Emo, plusheen, unicorn, skull

Imagine if you could link to your fetlife and your Instagram if you want.

Tinder are you on this? We need our LGBQ app.

My Dream House

In my dream house I would have a big white kitchen. This wooden open shelving with a huge Le Creuset and Staub collection. Two stoves, side by side, for holidays.

Three or four bathrooms. One by the front door, just a toilet, sink and mirror. One bathroom a big tub like Sabrina. One bathroom with a two person stand up shower. One bathroom with a jacuzzi. Tons of bath bombs and bubble bath on hand.

In the basement I would want a craft room like Jennifer McGuire.

Man cave for my husband??? Maybe I’ll get married again one day or maybe my Gregory will come back.

The bedroom needs a firm queen or king sized bed. My kids would have their own rooms.

My Dream Life In 20 Years

Either I will move where land is cheaper or get a cheap starter home I can renovate. If I build from scratch it would be in the country. Maybe down the street from a farm where I have a horse. I’m so torn between country life and city life. Might be fun to flip houses. My father does that and rents them out.

My plan is to go back to work in retail when my kids are old enough to be home alone. Work hard and become store manager. I live across the street from a mall. Maybe save up and get a car. Right now I have too much debt to have a car but I can get by without it. Simple life. Write books and do art projects in my spare time. Might do a craft show or two. I sell SeneGence makeup and handmade cards on the side. Maybe they will get more serious one day. I mostly just sell the family and friends and it is just to keep me busy. I miss retail. I’m a workaholic. If I had the money, I would build a mall. Maybe I’ll store manage two stores.

Sometimes I feel like I have two many interests. I’m into too many things. I love learning. I love reading. I love creating. I don’t love sales. I love retail stores because people come in when they want and spend the money they want. You make it pretty and people buy it. That is how I sell. Just make it pretty. If I pursued sales I would do better but I prefer the retail approach. Maybe one year I’ll have so many cards I’ll rent a stand in the middle of the mall, Christmas time. Sell my cards, give the kids a job. Maybe the kids can make their own cards to sell. I can teach them about business.

One day I do want a home where I can host the holidays with the kids and future grandkids. One day I want to have a place to serve Turkey and use all the pretty Le Creuset I have. I have a dream of having a table set with a rainbow of Staub and Le Creuset dishes in the middle. White dishes or beautiful bone china. My nana Walker, Florence, had beautiful floral bone china we used at holidays. I really wanted it but I didn’t have a chance to go through her house when she passed. She had cute teacups and everything. Everything was stored in a hutch for safe keeping. One day I want to recreate the memories for my children. They never got to meet my grandparents who passed away.