Feeling Flirty These Days

I’ve escalated to Red Bull. Actually, I do have some good news. After a slew of “I should be cleaning” posts, on Friday night, I cleaned the living room and my bedroom! Took hours because it was like a weeks worth of toys in the living room. Alas, it is, Tuesday and it has been trashed again.

About a month ago my son learned to use the potty. As he was just learning, I rolled up the carpet. I was finally able to put it back down this past weekend. So even thought TODAY I have some cleaning to do, it is nice to have the carpet down. I am cleaning today I swear it, I swear it. I’m pretty sure everyone in my life is so tired me talking about cleaning or being overwhelmed by my kid’s messes. Every time they ask what’s up, I say cleaning or avoiding cleaning.

If I am being completely honest, I’ve been doing a little bit more than not cleaning my house. I started a series on TikTok reading the funniest tinder messages I get. In the process of making this series, I did end up talking to a couple humans that are very nice and getting to know them. Dating during covid is not really an option but there have been a lot of silly Snapchat shenanigans.

Am I even ready to date after the separation in October? A question I ask myself.

The answer is, well, with covid and social distancing, what I have is perfect. I am dipping my toe in. I am actually a little flirty again for the first time in years. I am starting to trust again, a little bit. There may be someone with the potential to be special to me but its so early, there’s no way of knowing. But it gives me hope. Hope that, one day, I will be able to open up again.

I will not say, one day I will be happy, because I am happy now. In this moment, in the week, I’m full of wonder and amazement. Maybe, just maybe, it doesn’t matter how things will work out with this one. I know that eventually I will meet the one. What matters to me, is that, I surround myself with people who expand my heart and soul. That I heal from past relationships. That any relationship I enter into, or maintain, friendly or romantic, helps me grow into a better person. I never want to feel held back or repressed again.

If I am being even more honest, I did see someone for about four months starting right after the separation. It was alright. We cared about each other in a respect way. It stayed pretty casual though and I never fell in love. The more time went on, the more things naturally faded. Our breakup was mutual, like dandelion fluff gently being floated away in the wind, without resistance. Even though that ended, I treasure it, because when we were together on a date, it was very nice. It was a good stepping stone to where I am now. We respected each other’s standards and emotions. Sometimes it’s just not there, just not right, and that is okay.

Scallops Anyone??

I’m done. I’m a cooked potato. I’m pretty tired. How’s your quarantine going?

I wouldn’t say I was lonely, because I’ve had lots of social interaction. I talk regularly with my friends on the phone and on FaceTime. Text them in between our chats. I am also still working. Maybe I’m overstimulated. Maybe I need a cuddle. I’m almost at the point where I take a deep breath when my phone lights up. Can I just have an uninterrupted hour to clean the kitchen?

In reality, I obviously know I could turn my phone off, or just put it in another room and I can take all the time I want and need.

Last weekend I had Friday night and all day Sunday off. Friday I had some drinks with a best friend of mine over FaceTime. I had done a little bit of cleaning beforehand but then I ended up setting up my sewing machine on the clean table. Which brings me to Sunday, in which I spent the entire day sewing masks. I made 8 masks, which is the most I could do because I didn’t have more elastics. I kept three for myself, gave one to my drinking buddy and gave four to the 72 year old I share an office with.

The masks have been a huge hit at work. I’ve gotten lots of complements on them and so far I’ve only made plain ones. I’ve had a couple people ask me to make masks for them and I have started prepping them. I think my problem is I keep taking on projects!! First I was just making cards, then I was selling makeup, then I was learning to paint, learning to draw and now sewing masks. All on top of working, cooking, blogging, making TikToks and having two kids at home.

You could say single mom life problems, artist problems, single problems, parent problems, human problems, first world problems, ambitious person problems, etc.. Basically, I’ve done it to myself. I want to do so much. I probably would get so much more done if I didn’t have so much social interaction.

I do find it kind of silly to complain about my phone blowing up when I honestly start most of the conversations. The problem is, 45 minutes in, I’m having a great time, I’m just realizing all the chores I have an projects I haven’t worked on. Even this blog post is a day late. Does that really matter? Probably not. A day is just a day. But I feel bad. I made a commitment. I’ve broken my word. I feel like I’ve broken a million promises to myself and it hurts. A lot. At the end of the day though, I’ll never ever be able to get back snuggle time with my kids, but I can do arts and crafts later in life a lot more. If I pass up communicating with my friends so much, we won’t have these amazing relationships that I have.

I guess I just needed to vent. I needed you, my blogverse. I needed another full circle, pointless chat with myself. I know if I was talking to my friends about this they would say that you can only get so much done in a day and that is okay. Maybe I just wanted you to hear it too. If you are overwhelmed, especially in this quarantine. That’s okay. I am too. Let’s take it one day at a time together. If you are bored and alone, don’t be afraid to be the one to reach out to your family and friends. I also, highly suggest a hobby. One thing I am definitely not is bored!

Little Embarrassed,

So if you read my blog, you know, I SHOULD BE CLEANING. Like seriously. I hate picking up todays. Well, I’m officially super embarrassed. My stepdad came over for a minute today to help me bring up groceries and he was stepping over toys left right and centre. I had a friend come to the door a few hours later and there were still a couple grocery bags on the floor. Nothing that needed to be refrigerated of course, but still! It’s just that I had a long day at work and when I got home I wanted to do some sewing. I got right into my project and that was that. I have tomorrow off and kids are with their dad so I can clean then! Right!?

In case you were wondering, I am sewing masks for the 72 year old I share and office with and my friend who has diabetes.

Okay, back to the house. The thing is, I just wanna clean it in my own time. Make it a little party. Then show it off and be like see I can tidy, eventually (haha).

So plan for tomorrow:
– do my hair and makeup
– make TikToks
– clean!!!
– finish sewing the masks
– make chicken noodle soup from scratch

It’s a big day but I got all day. It’s going to be awesome!

Happy Easter!

Current Mood: Gratitude.

So I’m behind on posting. This week has been kind of exhausting. I’ve been working longer hours some days because of Coronavirus. I’m grateful to be able to work though.

I’m also grateful for my ex right now because without him I wouldn’t be able to work. My grandmother was watching the kids twice a week, so I could pick up extra shifts, but we are worried about getting her sick. My ex is now watching the kids two nights a week ontop of having them all weekend. I’m actually home with them more (of their awake) time now that I’m starting work so late.

The deal was that I will cook him and the kids dinner the nights he babysits. So far I’ve made homemade meaty pasta sauce with rotini, roasted chicken and vegetables and one night we had chicken Caesar salad. Next week I’m making homemade chicken noodle soup. I’m getting lots of recipes from the TikTok.

I’m trying to get the kids outside a bit more, just for walks around the block, no socializing of course. They are taking the quarantine really well. I’m really proud of them! My son learned to use the potty. We are still using diapers at night and first thing in the morning. I stopped using diapers during his nap though.

Alrighty, that’s the update. I guess I better start thinking of what to write Saturday so I’m not late again haha. Best wishes everyone, stay safe.

#art

I recently started tagging some of my social media posts #art and #artist. This honestly took a lot for me. I was seeing artists on TikTok tagging this, but I didn’t have the courage. I’m a crafter, not an artist. This is a card, not art. Well when I post my alcohol ink backgrounds, how is it different from alcohol ink art? #fluidart. Well? I argued with myself for weeks. Is it not fluid art???

Short story, shorter. Be proud of your work and give it the dues it deserves. Show it off.

I’ve loved art since I was little, definitely as long as I could remember. When I went into high school I decided to pursue science instead. I wanted to be a doctor, specifically a pathologist. I did some drawing through my teen years, but it was few and far between. I suppose when I was a kid I identified as an artist somewhat. Now, I’m possibly having a bit of an identity crisis. I don’t feel like I have enough skill to be considered an artist. I can’t really draw, I can’t really paint.

I want to learn to draw, specifically human anatomy. I am still in fact a science nerd. I could do it decently if studying reference photos. I just never make the time. I don’t know what the point would be. I’m not going to make cards with that. I should do it though. I could at least make TikToks about it. I follow a couple artists that make horror versions of cartoons and fast food restaurants. I don’t know where drawing might lead. What I might be inspired to create.

Honestly, right now though, I’m overwhelmed. My daughter is off of school and we are trying to do some homeschool. Started doing flashcards with my three year old, and now he is obsessed. He wants me to look at the cards with him all day long. My house is basically always a disaster. I clean it when they are at their dad’s on the weekend. I’m exhausted. I will be having a few days off from work coming up, so maybe that will help.

I don’t feel artistically burnt out. I am motivated. I’m just generally busy and tired. Maybe I’ll get a sketchbook and do a couple sketches a week. Something manageable. I could do that. Not that I need more on my to do list, but maybe it will help me destress. If I show off any of the sketches I’ll definitely give it a #art.

FOMO

FOMO got the best of me. If you don’t know what that is, it’s fear of missing out. Seriously, it gets to me and then I shop. The problem is that five years ago, I picked out everything I would want in my dream house. Now, I realize I may never have a house. I found a way to make those things work in my apartment, for the most part. Some things have been discontinued since I picked them out. Some things I’ve ditched the idea of owning because of space. Margarita glasses, I’m still not sure about you honey.

I put my bone china in my bar where the alcohol goes and moved the glasses around so I have more space on that shelf also. So instead of a collection of alcohol I was planning on, I now have a three tiered server with gold trim by Royal Albert. Right now, we are isolating, so I won’t have people over anyways. Also, I got thinking, and with having kids, maybe it is better to not have alcohol in the house. A stocked bar is fun and all, but that is just tempting them when they are teenagers. They already steal my coffee when I put it down for a minute! I bought a stand to put my bone china on I’m just not sure it will work out. Right now it is staying in the bar because I have young kids, three and six years old. The reason I’m not sure it will work out is because I bought some more Le Creuset and for now, I’m putting it on the stand. I could put a French oven in the cupboard *gasp*, no that’s blasphemy. I am considering getting more shelves for the unit my Le Creuset is now displayed on, and there is another shelf that currently has kid art stuff on it. POTENTIALLY, that could hold some kitchen stuff. If I ever plan on getting serving dishes I’ll have to utilize that art shelf somewhat. The point is, there are options.

I want either an All Clad or Le Creuset pasta pot, but then I think space. The couple times I’ve tried to make a homemade sauce and a big pot of pasta have been frustrating because I only have one large stock pot. After the last time, I finally realized that I could cook the sauce in a dutch oven. So now getting a pasta pot in itself seems frivolous. Although, I just ordered a 4.7 quart oval French oven when I already own a 7.25 quart round French oven. Why did I do that? Honestly, because I wanted an oval cast iron pot, and I wanted a yellow Le Creuset piece. If I own a house with a large oven, I would have gotten a goose pot or something much bigger. Apartment life means apartment sized oven. Reality sunk in. I did feel like it wasn’t the worst thing to have different sizes. I also own a 2 quart French oven, the pumpkin one by Le Creuset. I would like the Tomato pot by Staub, which I believe is 3 quarts. Will I get a 1 quart pot? Possibly, if I have room, however, it is really not necessary. I like the Staub and Le Creuset as serving dishes as well. I picture using the 1 quart for corn or cranberry sauce during a holiday dinner.

Will I host a holiday dinner, given that I live in an apartment?? Possibly a very small one, but mostly just special meals with the kids or with our friends. I plan on pulling out the bone china on the regular once I have enough of it. It will be used weekly! I will tell my kids how having them home is special especially since I cannot see them everyday and if I cook something from scratch, we are having a fancy meal. Homemade pizza on bone china? That actually sounds like something I would do!

Have you had to make compromises because of space? Do you suffer from FOMO?

Happy Birthday Aries

I just need to write tonight. I need to get it all out.

There is a person I know, an Aries, who’s birthday is taunting me. I don’t know if I should wish them happy birthday. You see, we fell out of touch you could say, a year and a half ago. I was at my rock bottom. I wasn’t myself. I was acting out and being childish. I have huge regrets. I was turning green with jealousy. It wasn’t my finest moment. It was the beginnings of a breakdown, which only got worse in front of this person. He got most of my crazy when I was going through it. He never lashed out. He simply ignored me, which I am now sort of grateful for.

I’ve reached out a couple times and apologized, to no response. My number has probably been blocked. I definitely should take a hint. The thing is, he was in my life off and on for 13 years. We have fought and made up before. He was in the dog house for a while and I forgave him. I hope that he has forgiven me, even if he doesn’t want me in his life right now. It would be nice to have some closure but I doubt I will get any. Maybe this can be some sort of closure in itself.

I accept that I fucked up and I have to deal with the consequences; it just sucks. At some point I’ll probably get into more, but not tonight. Tonight, I just want to get one thing out: Happy Birthday you wise, handsome, wonderful, witty human. You deserve the world. Don’t settle. Take care of yourself during these dangerous times. I’m sorry I hurt you and you had to endure my rock bottom. I know I can never make things right, but I won’t stop trying, even if that means NOT texting you to apologize again. Even if that means respecting your space when it kills me. Even if it means hoping you will read this, knowing you won’t. As Olaf says, “some people are worth melting for”, and you are one of them. You deserve better than me, and I think I’m pretty awesome, even though I’m far from perfect.

There are just no words that can fix the past. My heart aches. Friendship is gone, plus my marriage is over. Don’t even get me started on the convoluted emotions I feel about the loss of my husband these days.

You see, when I love someone, I love them for my entire life. I am tortured by it. I have a hard time letting go. I guess it’s just the Leo cusp of Cancer in me. I should leave this in the drafts but I am going to share it with you. I feel like I am exposing a piece of my soul and sometimes that’s okay. Sometimes it feels necessary.

Should Be Cleaning…

I should be cleaning right now. I think that all the time. I hadn’t made cards in weeks and even as I made one today I felt like I should be cleaning. There is so much that I want to do but I feel like I don’t have the time. I made a commitment to blog twice a week for the rest of the year, and I’m sticking to that. Cleaning be damned!

I am thankfully still working 31 hours a week which is my max with my availability. Since I work in a grocery store, and there is all this Covid craziness, my managers want me to work more. I don’t have more childcare as of now, so I said no. Schools are closed. Daycares are closed. I know of one daycare that is open but it would cost me as much as I make to send both kids. My ex and I don’t want the kids going to daycare right now anyways until the schools reopen and it’s safer.

I’m taking the next hour for me. I am determined to have some creative time. I need it. I have so much stuff on my to do list, writing out my to do list is on it. Fuck, I’m tired.

Hope everyone is hanging in there! Are you still working? Any projects on the go?

On A More Serious Note

I work in a grocery store. It’s been chaos. My company hasn’t announced a temporary hazard pay increase but others have.

I feel like I have accepted the fact that I will most likely get Coronavirus. We are doing our best: wearing gloves, using hand sanitizer and washing our hands very often. I work in three departments claims, receiving and cosmetics. In claims I touch most items that are returned and everything in the store that gets damaged. In receiving I work with the vendors/merchandizers/drivers. It is easier to keep a distance but some have been sick and the couriers touch all the boxes I have to handle. In cosmetics I am stocking and tidying. I know customers are touching products because I find open bottles constantly, which I then have to bring to claims and I possibly deal with it the next day. I’m not trying to complain. I’m just stating facts. Any position in the store you are dealing with people and things people have touched. It’s risky when a virus is going around.

I don’t worry so much for myself. I worry for my 72 year old coworker I adore and share an office with. I worry for my grandma who babysits my kids while I’m at work. My ex had convinced me that this virus isn’t too dangerous for our kids; that is mostly the elderly who are the most at risk. I can’t even begin to worry about my babies because I couldn’t handle it if anything happened to them.

When I get home, I put my clothes in the hamper and jump in the shower. I hope this is enough. I heard today that another store has a lot of people off work between Corona and the regular flu. Our store has some people in quarantine from association and self quarantine but no cases yet.

I need my job. If I was still with my husband, I’d probably take a leave of absence or quit.

Besides needing my job, there are reasons to stay. I love my job. I like my coworkers a lot. I’ve made a lot of friendships. Everyone has been working really hard and pulling together, especially lately. I love being part of this awesome team.

Still, I would probably leave to protect my babies and grandma if I could.

We Are Very Different

I had my ex over for dinner tonight and we took the kids for a short scooter ride. While we were out, we got talking about how much we appreciate the different things we do for the kids. I like that he takes the kids to the park, for bike and scooter rides, is very clean and somehow gets my daughter to do lots of reading. I told him that sometimes I feel like shit because it feels like he is the better parent. He said that I am the parent who lets them paint themselves with glitter, and dry up all the playdoh making statues. He likes that I let the kids be so creative and although they completely trash my house, they get to do a lot of cool, fun things that he wouldn’t be down with.

My daughter loves it at her dad’s because they have a playroom. She loves it here because sometimes I fall asleep putting them to bed and she gets tons of snuggle time. I think we are happier now that we are apart. At least now, we never ever fight in front of the kids. Things are definitely harder and more exhausting being apart, but in some ways more relaxed. I used to apologize every day because the kids would make a mess and I suck at staying on top of keeping things clean. We eat a lot more leftovers these days. Tonight I made homemade pasta sauce and you can sure bet that’s what dinner is the next two days. For lunches, today I cut up a pineapple, a brick of cheese and a turkey kielbasa, so that will be offered. If I am feeling motivated, I may make sandwiches.

I’m just glad they have both of us in their lives. Maybe it can’t be quantified who is the better parent. It is all about perspective and priorities.