Frozen & In The Feels

I feel like I gave my kids everything when they were babies. They breastfed endlessly. I made some time for crafts but not much when they were younger. Now, I feel a little unwilling to compromise. Me time is more important to me. Craft time is a must.

When I was married, my husband helped me clean the house, he often brought home food and he sometimes cooked for me. He probably did most of the cleaning but I did most of the bedtimes. At the end, the kids and I would be at the craft table for over an hour while he was on the couch playing games on his phone. He needed his me time too.

Sometimes I’m very sad that things didn’t work out with my husband. I wonder though, if I’m sad over him the human, or the lifestyle. I had financial security. I had someone to vent to and who helped me clean up when the day was bad. He sometimes sat with me and rubbed my head. Things with another human though, are not all peaches.

Today, I gave me kids half of their big gift early. We were all excited and I wanted to. I thought it would be fun and I know some Christmases can be overwhelming for my kids having to open up gifts from multiple people. I knew they were in a good mood so it would go over well. My ex doesn’t really understand my behavior. I’m convinced he thinks I’m irresponsible. He definitely thinks this is the messy house.

To me, this is the house with one parent and two kids. We are all really creative and we all do projects constantly. I cook for my kids everyday and they always have clean clothes to wear. Their clothes may not be folded when they go get them…. but, they are clean.

I’m trying. I could try a little harder, and I have been. I donated a lot of their old toys and cleaned their room a few weeks ago. It’s spotless. I still need to finish painting the living room but I took a break to declutter and clean a bit. I have vacation in January so I’m going to try for then. For now, I just want to work on deep cleaning. On Friday, I cleaned the bathroom. Today I washed the laundry and all my kids’ bedding, including some new snowman sheets.

I don’t really feel depressed. I feel like I need extra time to decompress. I have too many projects on the go and to do lists too long and money situation too tight. It is making me freeze. It is putting me at a standstill being a bit unproductive. That is why simple things like cleaning the bathroom or washing to sheets is a big deal for me. I’m making slow progress, but it is still progress.

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