Journaling Is Making Me Irritated

A few times in my life I have attempted to journal. Once my mother found it and lost her shit. Let’s just say, until I moved out, she read my mail. I didn’t ever try while I was married. I don’t know if it never occurred to me to try, or subconsciously I didn’t want to risk someone reading it.

Writing has always been important to me. It was a strength in school. I don’t feel as confident in my abilities these days after taking years off, same with art, however, I like it. I really regret taking YEARS off writing and art. What was I doing with my life? I was working retail. I was a mom. I was dealing with a super sick baby. I was running a direct sales business.

It is funny how life turns out though. The skills I NEED now are video, writing and art. Drawing is just not a skill I have at this point. I was starting to acquire it as a kid but then I stopped after grade 9. You may think your life is going in one direction then suddenly, you make a u-turn.

I started journalling last week, and let me tell you, it is not all joy and rainbows. It is bringing out my flaws. I see messy writing. I am so jealous of the people who can hand letter beautifully. That being said, I could probably do some boss lettering with an Ipad. This morning a made a to do list for today and tomorrow. Well, not only did I cross of 4 things and deemed them “unrealistic”, I also had to give myself two extra days. All that correcting and scribbling and making me want to throw out my journal and start over. Clearly I am still struggling with perfectionism. It is rare that what I do is good enough for me. I really want to work through this because it is no way to live. Even this article, I kind of hate it. I took a break from writing it, and now that I’m back, just no. I’m going to post it though because as silly as this issue seams, not having not nice lettering, it hits a nerve with me. It is a real, irritable, side of me.

The journaling is not all bad though. It has given me time to think. I have laughed at myself at times. It has also really inspired me. At one point I really wanted to write a book about FPIES, about my life and my kids struggles with it. I think EVENTUALLY I will put out that book and self publish. Until then, I have decided to blog about everything; one little story at a time. One day, when I have time, and enough material, I will take all my posts, tweak it, and turn it into a more cohesive book. Alright, that’s what I’ll do.

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