Redecorating

I feel like my apartment had a torrential rainfall inside of it. It is a disaster. I suppose, the lucky thing is, the kids are at their dad’s for a few days. I miss them already, but as I prepare to paint the living room, it is nice to have some alone time to do it.

I am moving things around as I fix the walls, filling holes from what seams like a past life. We have rearranged the living room a few times. We had a house phone on the wall at some point, just for the buzzer. Now it is linked to my cell phone. My ex-husband’s diploma hung prominently, now it is gone. Family picture collage frames used to hang. It was too painful to look at them after we broke up. Now I have completely different idea for photos. New area, new frames.

I feel like I have been erasing my ex since the day he moved out. I packed up all his stuff for him. I gave him the bed and bought a completely different one. I kept my TV but he has his TV stand. I kept the wine cabinet. That, he was so excited when we bought it. I now do my resin art in it and it has a shelf full of girly, floral, bone china. Something he didn’t want, in patterns he would never allow.

I am constantly terrified about getting evicted or getting fired. I haven’t done anything to deserve those things to happen, however, I still live in fear. Painting is just triggering me more. I love this apartment. I am getting more attached to it the more I make it “mine”. I could survive the evicted part, but it would suck. Prices for apartments have gone up so much! It would be a few hundred more a month plus at least hydro. My job, my now full time job, works around my availability so well. I don’t have to get babysitters at all when the kids are in school. Not even an afterschool program.

It is crazy to me that I have lived in this apartment for over 7 years and had my job for almost 2. I am waiting for the ball to drop. I felt more secure when I was married; when I had a partner with their own income taking care of things. The biggest thing that I think sparked this ridiculous anxiety is the fact that they wanted to evict us! They said my daughter was too loud. They accused us of letting her run around at 3 am, when, in fact, we were all asleep. This was a few years ago but I can’t shake it. My children have their loud moments but now that they are in school all day, I do feel a bit better.

I must go now. I must do some dishes, sew some masks, and get some sleep! Night my lovely readers.

2 thoughts on “Redecorating

  1. Anxiety increases with loneliness…but won’t last long last as the mind gets occupied with better things with passage of time…as you get used to the change and overcome the challenge it throws with the commitment to move on…
    Stay blessed 🙏

    Like

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