I just need to write tonight. I need to get it all out.
There is a person I know, an Aries, who’s birthday is taunting me. I don’t know if I should wish them happy birthday. You see, we fell out of touch you could say, a year and a half ago. I was at my rock bottom. I wasn’t myself. I was acting out and being childish. I have huge regrets. I was turning green with jealousy. It wasn’t my finest moment. It was the beginnings of a breakdown, which only got worse in front of this person. He got most of my crazy when I was going through it. He never lashed out. He simply ignored me, which I am now sort of grateful for.
I’ve reached out a couple times and apologized, to no response. My number has probably been blocked. I definitely should take a hint. The thing is, he was in my life off and on for 13 years. We have fought and made up before. He was in the dog house for a while and I forgave him. I hope that he has forgiven me, even if he doesn’t want me in his life right now. It would be nice to have some closure but I doubt I will get any. Maybe this can be some sort of closure in itself.
I accept that I fucked up and I have to deal with the consequences; it just sucks. At some point I’ll probably get into more, but not tonight. Tonight, I just want to get one thing out: Happy Birthday you wise, handsome, wonderful, witty human. You deserve the world. Don’t settle. Take care of yourself during these dangerous times. I’m sorry I hurt you and you had to endure my rock bottom. I know I can never make things right, but I won’t stop trying, even if that means NOT texting you to apologize again. Even if that means respecting your space when it kills me. Even if it means hoping you will read this, knowing you won’t. As Olaf says, “some people are worth melting for”, and you are one of them. You deserve better than me, and I think I’m pretty awesome, even though I’m far from perfect.
There are just no words that can fix the past. My heart aches. Friendship is gone, plus my marriage is over. Don’t even get me started on the convoluted emotions I feel about the loss of my husband these days.
You see, when I love someone, I love them for my entire life. I am tortured by it. I have a hard time letting go. I guess it’s just the Leo cusp of Cancer in me. I should leave this in the drafts but I am going to share it with you. I feel like I am exposing a piece of my soul and sometimes that’s okay. Sometimes it feels necessary.