I was on the lovely TikTok today and there was a video talking about people wanting art for free and ‘exposure’ as payment. It made me think about what I have invested in the past year and it was quite a bit. Not only do the art supplies cost money, but things like Photoshop and Adobe are quite expensive. Even this blog and Microsoft Word are expenses I incurred this year. Maybe if I had known more about TikTok I wouldn’t have gotten stuff to make YouTube videos.
Honestly, I just wish I had done more with it so far. Halfway through my subscription and I have only made a handful of videos. Same with this blog. Before I deleted all my posts and started fresh, I actually had quite a bit written on here. However, some of it was manic lunacy for which my ex and his family were greatly offended. I honestly have a bad tendency of throwing everything away and starting over. It is a habit developed from childhood when I was in school. If I wrote messy, no problem I could rewrite it. It didn’t matter if you kept last years’ homework.
Overwhelmed isn’t quite the word. I don’t FEEL overwhelmed. I feel clustered. I feel busy. I feel like I’ve slightly overextended and given up. I am trying to get in shape and been going to the gym. I have a huge list of books I want to read. I have multiple social media platforms I have been posting on. I have my son home with me all week and my homework to do with my daughter every night. I don’t have my kids on the weekend but I do work then. I want to blog and I want to make YouTube videos. I haven’t been doing those two things. I had a grand vision of doing that, of doing everything. Maybe I need a schedule. Maybe I need some inspiration. In September, my son will be starting school but that means I will be working more.
I’m so stressed. All of this is stressing me out. Why do it then? Well it is definitely not for fame because I doubt that I will ever be famous. I am building a brand though. Recovering a brand? I had a little bit of mom culty fame when my son was sick and a nursed him back to health. Unfortunately, when my husband and I got separated the first time I went a little dramatic and deleted all my social media. Like a phoenix, I shall rise I suppose. The main reason I am doing all this though? I LIKE IT! I like it a lot. I like making videos and crafting. I like blogging, even if it makes me look crazy. I like reading and working out. I like eating a little too much to be skinny, but I like working out. There is an element of ‘is this realistic? Is this worth it?’
At the end of the day, art, and all my projects, do in fact, cost money. Money I do not necessarily have because I am trying to pay off debt, if I am being honest. Every time I think of that though, I think YOLO. You only live once. My debt may take an extra month or two to pay off because I decided to YouTube. Is it worth it? Right now? No. However, if I do the videos I want by the end of the year, then yes, yes it is worth it to me.
What is your passion? What are you trying to achieve? What are you working on? Are you struggling like me?