I’m Separated

My husband and I broke up, again. This time was way less dramatic. I didn’t have a complete nervous breakdown. I didn’t even cry. This weekend I felt like crying though. I really missed my kids. I didn’t do anything besides work and clean my house all weekend. The quiet I can deal with. It’s not the quiet. It is all their cute, messy, little things all over my house. It’s the tiny little laundry of theirs I have to fold and put away. I even almost miss the constant interruptions.

Part of me misses my husband. We were together for seven years. If I’m honest, maybe I just miss how he took care of us. I miss his help cleaning up the toys. I miss the days where we would go out to dinner together. Him picking me up from work and getting groceries together. How he used to rub my head when we would watch tv together. I miss him as a friend too. We would watch shows and play video games together. I would show him all the cards I made.

I’m not going to get into all the reasons why we broke up. I will say that I honestly believe we both made mistakes. I feel like I had unresolved resentments towards him from the last breakup. I have a hard time letting go of being hurt it seems. I’m sad that things are over but I have to believe it is for the best. I don’t think we were entirely suited for each other. Even when we tried it was a struggle, although we were getting better.

I hope we can remain friends. I hope we can continue to communicate and share the kids well. The past three months, I feel like we have done a much better job at being civil and cooperating. He stayed in the apartment until he could move into his own apartment. We go to the kids’ activities together on the weekend. I’m very lucky that my work is accommodating and is scheduling me around their sports.

How am I doing now? I’m scared. I’m sad at times. I’m also very happy. I feel like I appreciate things more. I appreciate time with the kids more. Even my job. I’m scared because of the financial burden. I know it will be harder to get out of debt. I know that I have to work a certain amount to pay for our groceries. I wonder how much money I am going to waste on my Etsy shop before I give up. I worry that if I give up too soon I’ll be kicking myself for not having a second income stream. Money is the biggest fear. I think I’m doing a good job taking care and feeding the monkeys, though. I’m trying to acknowledge that it is an adjustment and that it will take time.

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