PTSD & Lack of Trust

Trust was a big issue growing up. I didn’t trust my parents to go to them with my problems. I don’t know if I ever fully trusted a boyfriend or husband. I know I was private with my husband. I didn’t talk much about my past. I never told him about being raped. I liked my past to stay in the past. I don’t know if it served me. I think it hurt my marriage. I was so repressed. Too many secrets. Right now, my ex husband and I are in talks about maybe getting back together. Maybe we will be together by the time I’m done writing this book, I’ll let you know. To tell you why my marriage ended, well, I should tell you how it began. It ended because of a big fight. A weekend of a fight. I also was talking to Chris again. The combo ended my marriage. In truth, I had been vaguely thinking about it for a long time. Every argument I wondered if we would last.

I trusted Chris with my secrets, but I trusted my husband to take care of me. I was scared Greg would judge me. I didn’t know how to be open with him. Chris was older, more experienced, open with me. He gave me his secrets and I gave him mine. My Greg doesn’t have secrets to give. He is my baby lamb. I have many regrets. I don’t know if I can regret the separation though. Greg and I have grown so much. People have bonded to my kids way more than they would have. They are spending more time with family and having tons of fun at my in laws house. I just don’t know. I wish it could have been different, but I think if Greg and I do get back together, we will be stronger than ever. I’ve grown and so has he.

That is the thing about twin flame. They make you grow the most. They are your mirror. I don’t know if my twin and I are meant to be together. We both love each other but we both love someone else. Even if we managed to have open marriages, I’m sure that our partners would veto each other. Our bond is too great. No matter what happens, I’m glad I had him as a special friend. He told me what we have is sacred. We have given each other great advice. We have supported each other. Maybe I needed him to learn how to be open with my husband. He helped me talk out my trauma. He validated my murderous feelings, even though I won’t ever act on them. He helped me work out my anger. I felt I needed Chris at the time. He gave me a different perspective. I’m a stronger person now. I don’t know what the future hold. I don’t know who I will end up with. I just know that life is a work in progress.

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