Before losing my virginity I was molested during a sleepover. I woke up with a naked boy onto of me and he forced me to do other sexual acts with him. We never had actual sex though. A year or so after it happened a friend of mine came up to me at school. She said “don’t worry, I had sex with Scott too”. I was mortified. I was worried she had been raped, which she hadn’t. I hadn’t told a soul about what happened and I was scared it was my fault. With my friend, it was consensual though. Part of me regrets not saying anything, for fear it happened to another girl. The other part wants to let it go because he was only a teenager.
He told people we had sex, that’s really something I haven’t thought about much before. I was eleven years old when it happened. I kind of thought I was younger but I remember her telling me and at the time other people in our school were having sex. Figuring out my timeline of when everything happened has been something I’ve been working on for months. Shortly after my friend broke the news to me, I had sex. I have no idea why. It was with a boy I wasn’t dating. I was in grade 7 and he was in grade 8. We were hanging out at his house one day after school. It was honestly the second I became sexually aggressive.
Maybe I just needed to get my power back. Maybe it was just that he was cute and puberty is hormonal. It was a warm beautiful day, he was a great kisser, it was fast but it was great. Honestly, if I didn’t happen to be on my period then maybe we would have dated after. I didn’t really care. I didn’t really think of my virginity at all. I had never even thought of the guy as more than a friend before it happened. I was very Aries like. Impulsive, in the moment. I know it would have never happened if I hadn’t been molested. I would have gone to high school a virgin, dated and it probably would have been cheesy as fuck. I was now impulsive, and sex was completely meaningless to me.
I’m trying to give it some meaning now. It seems ridiculous since I’m 28 and I have two kids. I could never be called a virgin. I could never play a good girl for very long. Maybe I just want to pretend. Maybe I want to erase my life and start over. Unfortunately, no matter how long I’m celibate for, my past still happened.