This Is Why I Listen To Korn

I mentioned in an earlier post that I love Korn to channel my rage and emoness. I listened to Korn a lot in high school. I had a terrible relationship with my mother. Putting on my headphones and tuning her out was a lifesaver. I think it was my mother who introduced me to Korn. She had a cd display I used to poke through and load onto my computer, back before Apple Music. Korn was basically my suicidal playlist except when I was freshly divorced and I had Never Never on repeat, that was just fun.

My mom’s cousin and I have become good friends as I’ve grown up. Technically part of the older gen, we just get along so well. She texted me on Sunday to let me know some of the things my mom said before I got incarcerated into the hospital. My mother had told her I was wandering the streets, off my meds, and one step from losing the kids. None of this was true, besides the meds. Actually, the police had specifically told me just “no crazy walks” which I giggled and happily complied with.

Why would my mother go to the police against me if I am not a raging lunatic? Well, I think revenge. I hate to even suggest it for fear of sounding like a paranoid schizophrenic. We have always had issues, and she has always been the most selfish woman I ever met. She scoffs at the fact that I have PTSD, not believing it. The few times I have been hurt and needed the support, she didn’t believe me or abandoned me. I’ll probably blog about the things individually because I’ve been finding it therapeutic. My mother was always physically and emotionally abusive, until I was sixteen and I pushed her out of my room. My mom acted like it was the most violent thing in the world and wanted to call the police on me. I was excited for the witnesses. The happiest I ever saw my mom was when I had chickenpox, the one time I can remember that I let her mother me. I’m a little scarred from pulling out some pox to see their roots and do little autopsies on them. Hello, yes, I’m a science nerd.

My mom throwing me to the police and locking me up was her version of helping. She thought I was out of my mind for not complying with my ex’s every whim. He was withholding the kids when I didn’t think he had a legal right too. Unfortunately, I had gotten myself so physically sick from taking meds I was allergic to for three weeks that I really needed rest. While people were saying I was not myself and crazy, I was in bed with chills. I was dehydrated, got an UTI and fever. The thing that made me look the most mentally unstable was that I hadn’t cleaned my house since my kids left. Again, I was sick, who gives a fuck about toys on the floor, and my kids weren’t even back yet.

I’m so sick of these people. I am terrified that I am 28 and my mother can ruin my life so much. It took me four weeks to get out of the hospital because I was too angry. The one doctor actually suggested I might fight a stranger on the street and get hurt. To me this is ridiculous. I can get mad, I can yell, so what? I’m mad at being basically arrested. I’m mad that I was locked up based on a lie. I’m mad that my mom is going around trying to rally everyone I love against me, trying to stage some ridiculous intervention because I hate her. I don’t want my mother in my life and that makes me sound like a mean, terrible person. People haven’t had to live through the abuse I have, so I’m sorry, not sorry. I need her to stay away from me.

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