Why I’m Celibate, Until I Decide Otherwise

Talking to my friends and family it feels like there is an undertone of judgement over how I am feeling post separation. How should one grieve after a relationship? If the break up was my idea, I don’t grieve openly. I just don’t feel the need to. If the end came from the other person, well, I’m human. When I end a relationship, I have thought about it for a long time. I usually give people four hundred more chances than I need to. I bend, adapt, and change to try to make them happy. My ex husband is a good person, but he didn’t know me well. Every time I thought that there was something working, something went wrong. Our last week of our relationship we talked for hours every night. We fucked every day that week. That weekend we fought badly. I thought he was out of line and things were the same. I felt that if we were in a better place and this is how he acted, I was done.

I probably could have stayed married for the rest of my life if I chose, but would I have been happy? He wanted the forever. I wanted the forever, but I needed to be loved in the way I needed to be loved. I needed a calm home life. I needed things to be better. We were together almost 5.5 years. We simply were only good as friends. In our relationship I felt judged. He always makes me feel judged no matter how good his intentions. We simply do not work. I was sad I had a failed marriage. I was sad that my kids had to switch houses constantly. I was lonely. I still felt we were incompatible and there is nothing that will make me want to come back. The problems get in the way. Mentally I can’t move past them. A couple moments he has wooed me with his good parenting but again, the problems get in the way.

With my twin flame, getting over it was harder. Maybe my marriage had a slow death and I had a couple years to slowly wrap my head around things not working. My twin and I were talking a ton one day, the next he wasn’t replying to my texts. There were some clues to things he was saying but there wasn’t a big fight. He left, it was his choice, it hurt. It was confusing for a while, yet so obvious now. Now I feel lucky that we talked as much as we did. I am over my twin in a romantic way, but I miss our friendship. Maybe it won’t be something I think about or actively miss, but I will always have room for him to come back and be my friend.

I used to say I have a terrible memory but maybe it is just all blocked. Maybe I am secretly an avoider. Most of my relationships have been of the more casual types. They faded away. Maybe I wasn’t being taken seriously enough and I started dating someone new. I never really took men too seriously. At times I wondered if I was a lesbian but men were so easy and entertaining. I’m definitely just a bisexual but I haven’t ever dated a woman. Let’s just say, it has been casual. I don’t know if I will end up dating a woman but for the right girl I would. Men are characterized by if I feel safe or unsafe. With women I am just too inexperienced to even conceptualize how I feel. If I find one I will let you know. I would say that I want to date a woman for the experience, but I don’t want to date a woman just for the experience. I don’t like using people. I don’t like things to be just things. Maybe I have some romantic fantasy that I will meet one and she will sweep me off my feet. I actually have met two women who I would have totally dated but it was bad timing. We weren’t single and I wasn’t ready for them.

Right now, the point is mute, I am celibate. It is kind of a funny irrational story but at the end of the day, being single and not fucking after a separation is kind of healthy, right? When I first got separated my sex drive was way up. I was also talking to my twin flame and he has that affect on me. After he gave up pushing me to stay with my husband, even suggesting we go to therapy, he suggested I do the Tinder. He was the good supportive friend, who gave the good advice, now it was time for the get back on the horse advice. I actually had an alright time with the whole thing. I went on a few dates. Some guys were funny, some were smart, some were slutty, and one called his house Little Amsterdam. It was fun for a while, but the more my twin helped me date, the more attached I got to him. One guy I saw three nights in a row and it started to feel couple like. I got upset and took it out on my twin. I told him that I just wanted to date him, and it was breaking my heart that all these other guys were willing to do so much for me. A few days after, I apologized for my antics. I knew the situation. I knew we were just friends and he loved his girlfriend. I was pulling on someone who was taken. It still hurt. Me and my fucking antics, I’m my own worst enemy. After that he continued to suggest I date and get laid. He said I was his sex hero and he was living vicariously through me. It was a fun game we have always played, living vicariously through each other. The problem was that I always ended up wanting more. Always. He is just so fucking lovable. It is annoying as fuck. I told him that I’m done fucking around. I don’t like settling. I won’t fuck anyone else until I fuck him. That was in May.

Apparently, I am becoming a monk because now I am celibate. In truth, I also told him that I reserve the right to change my mind about anything, but not to worry, I won’t change my mind about him. At this point I want to keep going. I don’t think I can go fucking people until I get over him. I fear he will get single and I will be dating someone. I am pretty lovable too, and I can get a boyfriend way too fast. I have gone on some dates since then, but I am being incredibly picky. I don’t want to settle. I want someone as good as him or better. Maybe I will find a younger version of him one day. I am not a rush though. I have a million things I want to do and that I want to manifest. I am tempted to say I won’t break my pack until I am divorced officially. Set a timeline. I do love planning, but I also love freedom. Right now I’m going with feeling out the situation. I will have sex again when it feels like the time is right. I have never really been single before, not for more than a couple weeks. I’m embracing it. I’m going full hermit mode. I have my mind on my money and my hobbies. Maybe my twin will be the one or maybe we are just made to be distant friends.

That is the shitty thing about relationships. They are messy, so much emotional entanglement. You can’t control other people. You can hope, you can influence, if they allow it. Sometimes the timing is wrong. Sometimes you aren’t as compatible as you seemed during those first few months. Sometimes other people are in play. Maybe you can’t manifest a specific person, but you can manifest the qualities in a mate you want. I prefer to pick feelings mostly. I want someone I can laugh with, feel safe with, to have fun with, to talk to, to cuddle with, who I find physically attractive and I want to have sex with. Maybe I can’t manifest my twin, but I can manifest a soulmate who I am happy with. Just don’t settle. Keep meeting people until you find someone potentially compatible. Don’t go into a relationship to go into a relationship, unless that is what you want to do. Do whatever you want. Honestly a lot of people could be fun to date. Maybe I’m traumatized from getting pregnant before I knew more about my husband. For now, I want to vet my potential dates a little bit more. I’m valuing my time more these days. I’m prioritizing getting my apartment in order and plotting ways to make money. Dating is not a priority unless I already know that person is amazing. Maybe I know a couple of amazing potentials, if they are the one they will wait to fuck me until I’m ready. Maybe waiting for me to be ready is what I am really looking for. Someone I could really trust. The first time I feel I was robbed. Something better than the casual shit I did in high school.

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