I feel haunted, literally. It is something I wondered about since July. Maybe it is a spiritual intervention for me. Maybe things just have to be worse before they get better. A cleansing. A pheonix rising.
My uncle Jamie killed himself when I was ten years old. My mother and him were diagnosed bipolar, thus my diagnosis. My father once told me that when Jamie was in highschool he went around telling people he was Jesus. I wasn’t around then so I have no idea the context or tone, but I do know he was very smart and went to a gifted school program. I know very little about my uncle and I don’t want to upset my family with questions. It does endlessly feel like I’m paying for that sin. My grandmother has no problem protecting my mother for fear she will kill herself like Jamie. Countless times I have felt a hopeless position. Even now, it seems as if my entire family is defending my mother for lying to the police about me being suicidal. Somehow she is always protected and I’m under the bus.
I’m not sure if Jamie is actually a ghost now or already reincarnated, but I could understand him watching out for me. I wonder sometimes if I will have another baby or if his spirit would come back in that baby. I wonder a lot about almost everything occult. I think people who commit suicide would want to come back, under different circumstances. Maybe they have the most to prove. All I know is that it is kind of nice to think of him as my ghost buddy, real or not.