I think I will be fully released from the hospital, aka prison, on Tuesday. My mother had been asking for a family meeting and today I finally complied. My mother sat there, notepad in hand, making notes of my follow up team members. I have no idea why she was doing this because she was barely in my life before she did this to me. My family thinks the suicidal lie is okay because I was too anxious and angry. Possibly, but being taken away from my children again was extremely hurtful. I don’t feel like I was anxious with my little peanuts, just the adults I was fighting with.
When I got separated from my husband, my immediate family told me that he basically wasn’t abusive enough to divorce. I generally have the bigger, more aggressive personality. My ex husband, I feel, is still more of an asshole. What you see at a family party is not who someone fully is, people should understand that. My ex can be cold, distant and mean. I can be hot headed in the moment. I want things resolved super fast and he would drag things out for days. It felt like he never let anything go.
My ex and I tried somewhat to be friends post divorce. I was insisting on it, for the kids. It was really hard for him because I was the one who ended things and refused to take him back. In my defence, he wasn’t doing the things I needed to feel safe taking him back. Divorce is messy and tricky. Unfortunately, my parents always take two perspectives when I have a breakup. 1) he was a loser and wtf was wrong with you dating him 2) I am a bitch who hurt a good guy. One day, I wish they would just be on my side and listen to me vent without insulting me. Although, it would be nice not to have another breakup. My family is definitely part of why I don’t want to date right now.
The family meeting consisted of my doctor, my mother and my stepfather. Luckily, the doctor was praising my good work and post release plan. I am honestly scared that my mother had the power to do this to me. More so that it was kind of my idea for her. My grandma has many times used my mom’s mental health against me insisting they needed to see me and my kids more. It’s the most frustrating dynamic. I feel like a sacrificial lamb. My mother sat in the meeting saying that I rant and get upset too much in-front of my kids. Most of those times were me insisting my mom leave my house when the visit went sour.
I know I will see my mother again. Family get togethers and all. We don’t have to speak at those though. I won’t ever let her back into my home. I am trying to make my apartment my safe and comfy space. Living with her never felt safe. I’m just glad that dreaded meeting is over and I have the support of my doctor, even if she says I carry the bipolar diagnosis for life now.