I have such mixed feeling about my bulimia since finding out I have FPIES. FPIES causes projectile vomiting, diarrhea and stomach aches if you eat something you are allergic to. I’ve had stomach issues since birth and it was assumed it was because I was a premie born with an underdeveloped stomach. I heard FPIES was only discovered 10-15 years ago. When I was in highschool I remember so many days with crippling nausea. I would lay in bed all weekend just watching cable reruns. I was honestly too sick to have much of a social life besides dating a bit.
I did try pretty desperately at 17 to find out what was wrong with my stomach. I hid my bulimia from my doctor, throwing up relieved so much of the nausea. My weight didn’t really improve. I felt as if I couldn’t go past two hours without eating because the nausea would creep up. Constant eating kept my stomach bugs at bay. I leaned towards overexercizing over purging since my mom knew. She was convinced I would ruin the piping in the bathroom from vomiting. If I purged too often in a week I would tear my esophogus but the thing that really concerned me was my heart arthymia. Basically my entire highschool career I was bothered by chest pains and low blood pressure. Bring on the salty fries. Pretty much my metabolism was fucked by days where I was too ill to eat much.
I was mostly recovered from bulimia by the time I got pregnant with my daughter. It began when I was 12, a decade was long enough. I vowed to get my shit together. I was still uncontrolable vomitting through my entire pregnancies. After my son was born and sick, we realized it was diet related. I changed my diet to breastfeed him and I felt a million times better. Knowing that sometimes it is physical, just something upsetting my stomach, has mentally helped me so much. At times I am sick I do worry if I will relapse with the bulimia. Times like these, where I am gaining weight from depression and meds are especially hard. I want to be healthy though. I don’t want to constantly feel like I am having a heart attack. I want to be a good role model for my children. Our allergies suck sometimes but we must love our bodies no matter what. Currently, I’m white knuckling through my bad body image. Staying on a workout schedule and accepting I’m just in a rough patch helps.