I Tell Guys I Hate Flowers

When I got married I didn’t use real flowers. I bought a bouquet off Etsy made of broaches. It is beautiful and has already outlived my marriage. At the time I envisioned using it as a centrepiece or at least on display in our imaginary future home. I wanted something to last and I wanted to avoid the pesticides and fancy carbon emissions.

When I talk to men I am very classy about it. I tell them if they want to impress me get me a woman, not flowers. That takes a lot more work than simply going to the grocery store. I don’t think my problem is actual flowers. It is grocery store flowers. It is the idea that someone has been a jackass to me and the grocery store flowers are an easy out. I think if a man went to a florist and got some beautiful flowers I would love those fucking things until they all die. Maybe I am baiting men. Hello, I’m difficult. Are you up to the challenge? I don’t want some basic dumbass relationship where all we do is go to Kelsey’s and go bowling. Sure that stuff is fun, but I do that shit with my kids. Can I have a man who knows a decent bar and who can surprise my stubborn, difficult ass? Fingers crossed. Wish me luck.

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