One So Deserving

Lately I have been plagued with anxiety. I talked a few days ago about the depression I have been having. I am full of disappointment and regret. I am the kind of person who takes everything seriously and literal. If I make a mistake, sometimes it takes me way too long to get over it. In the summer I crossed a boundary with my twin flame. In my defense I really don’t think I was in my right mind. I was not acting myself. I was trying to believe in magic. I was following my intuition, which at the time, was screaming for me to burn my life to the ground apparently.

Reflecting on it all it makes complete sense. When things get really bad for me I delve into my brain. I am one for escapism when the mood strikes. I was practicing manifesting, in which you have to act like it is already here. I had told my friends and family I was trying the manifesting thing, but they ended treating me like I was insane. I was going through a really rough divorce and I was no longer talking to my twin flame. Things weren’t exactly working in my favour. Sometimes in these post breakup times I tend to be at the end of my rope, with everyone. I enlist a No Fucks Given mentality. I do and say whatever I feel like in the moment. If I don’t like you, and you push me, you will definitely be hearing how I don’t like you, and possibly that I never did.

My friends and family started to think I was acting irate and “not myself”. The truth is, that in that state I’m more myself than ever. People just don’t like hearing what I have to say. I tell people when they are making me uncomfortable. I tell people that I don’t like that they think I’m crazy and if they don’t think this manifesting game is fun, maybe we shouldn’t be friends. I respect loyalty. I respect games. I respect working your ass off to make the most out of your life. The only person I regret my actions with is my twin flame possibly because he is the only person not clawing to be in my life. Everyone else is trying to fix me while clinging on for dear life. They love me so they don’t want to stop being friends. My twin has his own life and he went back to not talking to me. Is it really regret for what I did? A little, but mostly it is fear. Fear that he will hold it against me. Fear he won’t come back. I do think that I am more compatible with him than his girlfriend, maybe I shouldn’t have said that though. I do think I’m a witch, even if I am a super noob and I basically am only using some science to do a few small things.

The thing I need to remember, and what you need to remember if you are like me, is that if one statement shouldn’t ruin a relationship. One mistake, one humiliation, doesn’t make someone undeserving 99% of the time. We are emotional fuckups and we are doing our best. Sometimes we need so desperately for something to go right we act a little irate. Sometimes we need to be the bully of our lives to enforce our boundaries and make major changes. Things with him were in the toilet already. Maybe I needed to blow it up properly for me to give up all hope. Who the fuck knows? Do your best, forgive yourself, we all deserve love.

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