Fights=Drinks

I’ve been thinking a lot about my standards, or lack there of. On Saturday, I had plans with my man friend. It didn’t work out because he drank too much watching UFC and decided he was too drunk to come. I am glad McDrunky didn’t show up that way. I didn’t really react except to ask why he would drink so much when he knew we had plans. He just texted “fights=drinks”. Well, can’t argue that, I guess. I wasn’t feeling 100%, so I was kind of relieved to be honest.

The next day I was talking to a friend of mine, and I was insisting there better be some serious grovelling. They suggested I drop him. Honestly, if you read this blog you know that a week ago I was thinking we should just be friends already, but hadn’t the nerve to tell him.

There are a few reasons why I wasn’t actually mad, except the fact that I wasted time shaving my legs. I wasn’t “sitting and waiting” for the date. Sure I cleaned the living room and vacuumed, but that needed to be done anyways. I put on makeup but ended up making five TikToks. I was about to start sewing when he cancelled the date. I decided not to do that after he messaged because I was kind of annoyed. I don’t like sewing annoyed. It’s like perfect stewing situation. Instead, I put my headphones in and started dancing around. I ended up complaining to another boy that my plans fell through. He offered to be here in 30 minutes (haha – good to know). It was already 1 am by that point though and I needed to go to bed.

So all morning, as my man friend slept, I thought of what I was going to say. I’d finally say I wanted to be friends. Right? Blah. No. We acted completely normal like nothing happened. There was no grovelling. We ignored it. We moved on. Does this mean I have no standards? Does this mean I don’t respect myself? These are questions I can’t answer now.

I do know how I feel about him has changed. I originally just wanted to be friends because I was falling in love with him. He didn’t seem like 100% the best fit for me so I was pulling back. I wanted to protect myself. Now he feels friend zoned even though we haven’t had a talk. I feel more emotionally disconnected. I feel as if I could care about this person and could be friends with this person for life but I have doubts if we would work out as a couple. I feel like I am more open to other people than I was, say, two weeks ago.

Have I completely given up on him? Obviously not because I am avoiding a feelings talk. When I tell a guy I just want to be friends, to me, it’s like accepting I may never speak to him again. I feel like I have a case of adjusted expectations. Maybe I just don’t want to give up the benefits (haha), and I am not just talking about the fact that we have the longest Snap streak I’ve ever had. I’ve lowered my expectations of the situations. I’ve lowered my standards for him.

That being said, I’ve raised my standards because of him in some ways. I’ve never talked to a guy so much since high school. He is always interested in my day and makes me feel good about myself. He saves almost all my snaps of myself, even the ones with goofy filters. He is a very positive and ambitious person. So even if nothing comes out of this relationship, and being friends doesn’t even work out, at least I have better formed ideas of what I am looking for in a person and in a relationship.

Part of me feels guilty being so frustrated at him. Maybe it is because I am a woman trained to say sorry a thousand times a day. Honestly, another part of why I’m not that mad is because the idea of him FINALLY watching his fight and having a great time is so adorable to me. I tend to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and forgive people quickly. I feel tremendous guilt when I get angry. “Sorry I got mad” is something I’ve said a thousand times. I often feel like its ‘not my place’ to be mad. What gives me the right? I feel like I should be madder about Saturday than I am. If I was just hanging out waiting, I would be madder.

One of the big things I like about this guy is that we hang out so late. We are both really busy and he basically works nights so its when he is awake and available. I don’t know many guys who would be understanding that I work til 11 pm and I still have to get home and get ready. I find him really accommodating to my schedule. We talked about when the kids go to school and hanging out during the week and he would be down for that also. Can you feel my wheels spinning? Because I can. I think I am still really up in my feelings, even though I do genuinely feel more disconnected.

Now I feel like friend zoning someone over one mistake is an overreaction. I’m osculating. I’m sorry.

FPIES Update

On Sunday, Mother’s Day, I ended up going home sick from work because I puked. I was feeling out of it. I had had a headache for a couple days. I still went to my ex’s house for dinner after taking some Zofran. However, I left right after and went to bed by 6 pm. I didn’t sleep through, but I stayed in bed until 8 am the next day. In the morning, I still had a headache when I woke up but my stomach felt 100% better. That’s the thing about FPIES, once it is out of your system you are normally fine.

I was worried about soy allergy because it is so closely related to dairy, however, I ate soy sauce with my sushi last night and it didn’t affect me at all. Really not sure what bothered my stomach this weekend. I wonder if I only threw up because of my migraine and the rest was from the small bit of Nutella I had Friday morning? I’m unsure. The only other thing that timing wise made sense was that the pasta sauce upset my stomach a bit. I have some leftover which I’ll probably eat today. I am expecting it to be fine but I do swear at one point I had an issue with basil.

One of the things I have to be careful about is not overreacting. Making sure I am really allergic to something is important so I am not cutting out foods for no reason. When I had the basil issue, I noticed that once I made homemade pasta and forgot the spices at the end. I was able to eat that fine but not canned sauce. I made it again with basil and oregano and was sick. The third time I made it with just oregano and was fine. If I were to do this again, I would eat basil on like a potato which I know is safe, and see how I felt just to be extra sure. There are a lot of ingredients in store bought pasta sauce and it could be anything.

A lot of times I’ll get sick from a normal meal with a bunch of ingredients. It takes some detective work to figure out what is going on and narrow down the one thing upsetting my stomach.

I reallllllly hope it is just dairy this time. I can live without dairy. Last bought of allergies even vegan pizza upset my stomach. Even if I can’t eat dairy ever again, it would be super nice to be able to eat vegan cheese. I don’t know how to end this (haha). Wish me luck?

FPIES Hitting Me

My stomach is a mess. I know I had some Nutella yesterday morning, which has dairy in it, but usually it doesn’t affect me the next day. I’m half convinced I’m back to having multiple food allergies but it too soon to say. Going to have to go a few more days without dairy. Pretty embarrassing but I’m so gassy today, which is unusual for me. If I fart one time its usually allergy related. When I’m feeling well, I just don’t fart (haha).

If you don’t know I have FPIES which is food allergies that make you puke or have diarrhea within certain time frames.

Today, I also have had bad acid reflux mixed with nausea, which, for me, is always related to my allergies.

I’m feeling a little anxious and depressed. I wish I could go back on my McDonalds diet of three hashbrowns for breakfast and two hamburgers for lunch and dinner. Joking. But not joking. It seriously worked. My stomach was mint and my allergies were under control.

A few months ago I couldn’t eat dairy, soy, pork, bell peppers, and eggs. I am very curious if that is what the problem is. I didn’t really eat any of those today though, besides some egg powder in chicken strips. Before that never bothered me this much though.

Yesterday I did have chilli with bell peppers, beans and corn for lunch. I just find it weird that I would be so affected the next day, especially the acid reflux, which has gotten worse through the night (but wasn’t bad this morning).

I’ll let you guys know what’s what in a few days when this dairy gets out of my system more. Hope you are doing well!

Quarenbelly UGH lol

Found out today that over the last three months, I’ve gained 10 lbs. I’m in a shit mood. Actually it was more like 13 but I started my diet last week. I thought I had gained like 5. A lot of things contributed. The gyms are closed. I started driving to work instead of walking twice a week. I’ve been sitting in the office instead of walking around at work lately.

The worst thing that happened was McDonalds closed. I know it sounds crazy! However, I had a diet plan worked out that included McDonalds and was affordable. I would always get a hamburger and a Jr Chicken. When I had to give up eggs, I switched to two hamburgers. Dinner would be 400-500 calories and under $5. I used to buy a case of Coke Zero and bring a can with me to work.

3 months ago I was FPIES reacting to dairy, soy, pork, eggs and bell peppers. No cream in my coffee for me. Even though my stomach got better, and I started having double double coffees again, I kept with the two burger things. I loved it and I was LOSING weight.

After McDs closed, I started eating more Walmart food. I would get a lot of the hot food counter. Chicken strips, wedges or chicken pieces a lot. That’s over a 1000 Calories, but, also, I would get a coffee Monster which is around 250 calories. Totally delicious dinner.

That is the past though. I am reacting to dairy again so no more coffee Monsters. No more hot food counter because it’s just not that healthy. The last few weeks I have been eating a lot of sushi at work. The pack I get is very low in calories. I end up being starving after work, but that is besides the point.

What is the point?? I need to get my shit together or I’ll have to buy new clothes soon. Everything is a little too snug for my liking!! I’ve started my diet. I’m really trying. I want to make more time to workout but I have like 30 masks to sew and an apartment to maintain. I’m finding it hard to justify the time. For now, I’m super focused on my diet and eating healthy. Last week I made homemade chicken noodle soup and this week it was a huge pot of chilli.

The person that I was kind of seeing but am definitely not because they wanna live some secret, underground tunnel life, is dieting too and doing well. That was motivating. We were, I thought, the same weight so that was cool until I realized that I gained way more than expected. Feeling the urge to catch up to him, even if we might be ending things once I get the nerve, or I decide to be all about that secret hobo lifestyle. IDK read my last post talking about my bruised ego. That’s basically the other half of why I’m in a shit mood.

Anyways, hope you all are doing better than me right now! How’s everyone’s quarendiets going??

My Special Friend

I’ve been thinking about my sign a lot lately. Leo cusp Cancer with a Virgo moon. Personally, I find it accurate.

I believe in astrology if you look at the whole chart. Do I believe it can predict your future, or pick your soulmate? No, I do not. However, I do like to look into someone’s birth chart when we are courting each other. Maybe it’s just a need to control, thirst for more information. Maybe it’s my Virgo moon.

More specifically, I’ve been thinking of that lion pridefulness, that big ego of mine. It came about after meeting someone much more private than myself. I’m a very open person. I’m also very showy as it turns out. When I eventually get a boyfriend/girlfriend, I want to be able to tell my friends all about them and show off pictures. I don’t think I could ever be with someone who asked me to keep things secret. I’d feel awkward having to keep so much in.

With this person, I find myself back peddling and lying sort of recently. At first I told my friends all about them. This week I followed up with I think I just wanna be friends with them. Which is true and not true. It’s true but it’s misleading in the fact that I will probably NOT tell this person we should just be friends. It’s true because it is how I sort of feel. Things feel friendly with them and I am sort of resentful that I am in this position. I had felt guilty about talking so much about them before I really knew how private they were and what the situation was. Is that my fault? No. Is it healthy? Probably not, so we should just be friends. I feel frustrated, confused, my guard is up. The problem? The are probably the most sweet, kind, talented and ambitious people I have ever met. The more I get attached, the more I want to distance myself because it is not entirely right.

Maybe I was only half misleading my friends. My heart legit feels like friend zone is the safe zone right now. I just wish things would naturally run their course, either way it goes.

All that being said, I could check me ego a bit. Still not happy about being in that position, however, do I need to be a total Leo and show off everything all the time. I’m just like a proud mama, I feel like I can’t help it! Obviously, I’m trying to respect his boundaries and privacy but it is really hard. Here is me right now totally not talking about him (haha). It literally just hurts me ego a lot having someone not want to show ME off as much as I want to show them off. That’s probably the bigger issue. Feeling like a total Cancer today, very emotional. My Virgo moon is like what hard work do I need to do to work this out??

Because he bruised my ego, and I have mostly friend zoned him. If he does every want to move things forward and act more “boyfriendy”, some grovelling may need to be involved. Definitely the official asking me to be his girlfriend because I will definitely be bringing up the fact that he told his people I’m his friend when we are more right now.

The more I vent about this, the more I want to pull back. My instinct is, this will not end well for me. I need to hold out for someone like him that doesn’t wanna keep our relationship a secret, it’s that simple.

Saturday Night

So it’s Saturday again, typie typie time. Hit those keys.

What I really wanna be doing is writing my book or making cards. I can’t really do anything extra right now besides clean and make masks. I have to make about 25 masks and I am hoping to be done by the end of the week. I cut out all the pieces and started putting them together. I’m going to pleat some tonight, yes at 11 pm. Jeez I’m tired.

Book is not coming along. I honestly think next January will be my JAM. Kids will both be in school, hopefully, and its a slow season at work. In the Fall I’ll probably be working 5-6 days a week and my day(s) off will be catching up on cleaning and baking. Speaking of baking, I have made oatmeal chocolate chip cookies for the last weeks. I’m mostly off dairy so I have been giving them to my kids and friends. This week I’m going to make oatmeal raisin and bring a bunch to work as it is my friend’s birthday. Damn, I’d love to make a new card for her but I probably don’t have time. I have lots ready to go at least!

How are you managing your time? I find it difficult. Personally, I’m trying to balance work, kids, hobbies and chatting with friends. I feel like keeping in contact with friends is really keeping me sane.

Side note, I really need a haircut. I like my long hair right now except for the fact that the ends are getting tangly. My feet are pretty fine but I’d die for a pedicure too. I just enjoy getting them so much. Spa day post quarantine? You know what? That sounds good in THEORY. However, I feel like I’ll be one of those people that it’s going to take me a hot minute to get comfortable getting that close to people again.

Alright, enough daydreaming about nice hair and soft feet, time to sew some masks!

Happy Saturday everyone!

Expectations VS Reality.

Last night I stayed up for three hours cutting pieces of fabric to make masks. In all fairness, I was also texting. I got the front and back for about 25 masks cut out. I still have to cut out the middle pieces, plus, do all the ironing and sewing. I have a few friends who want them and I am happy to make them. I’m a bit tired and a bit behind on housework, but it is good for me. I’m not the world’s best sewing expert. I’m still learning and I am getting some really great practice in!

I got my sewing machine when my six year old daughter Ellie was a baby. I couldn’t afford it but I usually get birthday money from my family, and then, in laws. I currently have mixed feelings about the fact that they helped buy it. It’s the only thing left in the house that I can remember them buying us. Actually, the baby stroller. The baby stroller was given to us by my in laws during our first baby shower.

Now it’s bugging me a little. It really shouldn’t but it does. There are just so many hard feelings between us. I am grateful for everything that they have done for my kids and our family. At one point that was a lot. I don’t like acknowledging that I needed them. Admitting that we didn’t have the money for a stroller or sewing machine. That is just me being a Leo and prideful though.

Why did I even want a sewing machine? I had this vision of being the “perfect housewife”. You know, baking for the family, a clean house and sewing dresses for my daughter. In the end it felt impractical. You can buy so many dresses for reasonable prices. I didn’t think sewing to be SO expensive. I didn’t expect to need SO much practice. I thought I would have had more time. I believed I would be better at it, sooner.

Even though I am now separated, and I have a little less patience than I want with my kids, I still have this vision of how I want to be. I am learning. I am growing closer everyday. As my kids get older, well, there are pros and cons to them getting older. Now, they get into everything but one day they will both be at school all day. Maybe I never made my daughter a dress, but I did make an outfit for her doll, which she cherishes. Maybe I’ll be the grandma who bakes and sews for everyone.

Do you have any hobbies?? What did you envision for yourself??